


What Lies Between

by Jade4813



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: College AU, F/M, Mutual Pining, Sharing a Bed, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-19
Updated: 2018-10-27
Packaged: 2019-06-29 10:38:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 47,801
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15727713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jade4813/pseuds/Jade4813
Summary: Everyone knows the first rule of being Friends with Benefits is don’t fall in love. Westallen College AU.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was SUPPOSED to be a short, three page, college AU bedsharing tropefic. There is a college AU. There will definitely be bedsharing. And so much sex. Is it short, though? Not so much.

“Well, that’s a very serious look,” Iris teased as she slid into the vacant chair and kicked her bags under the table. “They didn’t announce they’re going to stop serving cronuts, did they?”

Barry’s grin crinkled the corners of his eyes and, as it always did, made her heart lurch in her chest. “Iris, we’ve been over this before. The end of the world as you know it isn’t necessarily the same thing as the end of the world,” he teased her in return. At her stern look, his smile fell and he added gravely, “Though, of course, in this instance, the lack of cronuts would be a travesty against the natural world order, and we should all say a prayer that such a day will never come to pass.”

She gave him a quick approving nod. “That’s more like it. So if not the Great Cronut Purge, what brought such a serious look to your face?”

His gaze shot away from her as one shoulder lifted in a shrug. “It’s nothing. I mean, nothing bad really. I just…I have a lot on my mind.” When she didn’t respond, shooting him an encouraging look instead, he added softly, “Patty and I…we’re talking about moving in together next semester.”

Iris’s mug hit the table with a loud thud, and she waved her arms in a wild gesture that almost sent it flying. “Oh, my god! _Barry_! That’s _fantastic_! Oh, I’m so happy for you guys! You know, I knew you’d be perfect together. I’m just – I’m so, so happy to see you two so happy together. I mean, you’re happy, and she’s happy, and that just makes me –”

“Happy?” he offered when her voice trailed off. When he looked over at her, her lips were pressed tight together and she nodded before grabbing her mug and taking a giant gulp of the scalding liquid. Reaching for her free hand, Barry gave it a quick squeeze. “Thank you, Iris. You know, your happiness means a lot to me, too. And don’t forget that we wouldn’t have found each other if it wasn’t for you.”

“Oh, believe me. I haven’t forgotten,” she mumbled into her mug. With another bright smile, she asked more loudly, “Can you hold on for a sec? I was up really late last night working on a paper, and I need a refill.”

“Already?” he asked in surprise, but she had already shot to her feet and headed for the counter. It was only when her back was safely to him that she let her smile fall. Sucking her lower lip between her teeth to stop its trembling, she concentrated on keeping her mask in place. Just a few more minutes, she promised herself. She just had to get through her daily coffee date with Barry, and then she’d go back to her room and have a good, long cry.

She just had to hide her feelings a little longer. “You can do this, Iris,” she whispered to herself. “God knows you have enough practice.”

She had first met Barry Allen in Comp 101 during freshman year. She still remembered how adorable he’d looked on that first day, his hair mussed and his jacket askew as he’d raced into the classroom at the last moment and claimed the only open seat remaining. Some days she wondered if it had been a blessing or a curse that it had been next to her…but, no. Heartache aside, he was still the best friend she’d ever had. She could never truly regret the day she’d met him.

It had taken her three months to realize she was hopelessly in love with him. It had only taken thirty seconds after that for her to realize that he did not love her back. He just didn’t see her that way. To Barry, she was just his best friend. The girl he grabbed coffee with every morning and watched cheesy horror flicks with down at the old movie house. He did not love her, and he never would.

Desperate that he not ever catch on to her hopeless infatuation, Iris had overcompensated. She’d encouraged him to go on dates with other women and had offered her shoulder to cry on when things went south. And if a tiny part of her had been relieved when Barry told her he and his date hadn’t “clicked” over dinner, well…surely she’d been made to pay for her selfishness. Because then came the date when they did.

Patty Spivot. Iris may not ever be able to bring herself to wish she’d never met Barry, but she had no problem wishing Patty had never come into her life. A friend of a friend, Patty had approached her once after class and asked her about her tall, lanky best friend with the heart-stopping smile. She’d asked Iris if she would introduce them.

At the time, Iris had figured there would be no harm in it. From what little she had known of Patty back then, she and Barry did seem to have a lot in common. She’d heard Patty had been trying to get over a bad breakup, so she figured that they would go on a couple of dates and then probably settle into a kind of casual, innocuous friendship. If, in the interim, Barry would be happy, it was worth it, she’d told herself. Because his happiness was more important to her than she wanted to admit, even now.

Only it hadn’t worked out that way. One date became two became several more. A few weeks stretched into a few months. They started attending every social gathering together and exchanging I love you’s and spending the night in each other’s dorm rooms. (She still remembered with utter horror and humiliation the time she’d come by Barry’s dorm with gratifyingly large cups of coffee, and Patty had opened the door wearing nothing but his shirt. That was the day she’d suggested they meet at the coffee house before their first class, instead of dropping by each other’s rooms.) 

And when things took off so well for the couple Iris had personally set up together, what could she do but become their biggest cheerleader? When Patty had told her that she thought she was falling in love with him and didn’t know what she should do, Iris had encouraged her to confess her feelings. When Barry showed up on her doorstep in a panic because he’d been so wrapped up in finals that he’d forgotten their six month anniversary, Iris had raced with him to the store to help pick out a gift.

And now…after almost a year of dating, they were talking about moving in together. What could Iris do at this point except paste yet another smile on her face and lie through her teeth that she was so, so happy for them both _really_? It was too late to do anything else.

All too quickly, the barista handed over her refilled mug and three cronuts in which Iris fully intended to drown her sorrows. She tried not to drag her feet too obviously as she made her way back to their table. As she took her seat again, she braced herself to talk about where the happy couple would live. To her surprise, however, he changed the subject.

“So, are you coming to the party tonight?” he asked her as he tore off a corner of one of her pastries. 

“You don’t seriously think I’d miss Patty’s birthday bash, do you?” she asked in mock affront. “What kind of friend do you think I am?” In all honesty, she’d be more than happy to miss it, except that Barry had planning it and had confessed he was worried it would flop. When he begged her to attend, how could she possibly say no?

His gaze was warm, a tiny smile lifting the corner of his lips in that way that almost made her think sometimes that there could be something more between them. “The best kind,” he murmured. Then, while Iris was reminding her stupid heart yet _again_ that his looks and smiles didn’t really _mean_ anything, he cleared his throat and asked, “So…uh…Is Chase coming, too?”

Iris swallowed hard. It was her turn to lift one shoulder in a slight shrug. “Ah…no. I don’t think so. We…uh…we’re no longer together.” She didn’t want to see the sympathy in his eyes that she hadn’t found the same happiness in love that he had (if only he knew), she rolled her eyes and gave a dismissive wave of her hand. “I mean, he actually tried to tell me that the _Fast and the Furious_ movies are Oscar-worthy cinematic achievements. Can you believe that? Life is way too short to waste it with someone like that.”

Barry responded with a dutiful chuckle, but his smile didn’t reach his eyes. “You broke up with him because of his bad taste in movies? I guess I can’t blame you, there. I don’t know how you put up with my cheesy movie marathons.”

Her mouth twisted. She knew she should probably let him continue to believe that was the case, but the only lie she seemed able to keep up with him was about the one thing that really mattered. “It makes a good story, right? But, actually…actually, he broke up with me.” Her sharp, bitter laugh was more a response to her entire situation than the loss of her last mediocre relationship, but Barry didn’t have to know that. “Pathetic, right? I can’t even make it work with a guy who thinks Vin Diesel is the greatest actor of our time.”

“Iris,” Barry murmured, grabbing her hands and holding them tightly in his. “Don’t say that. You’re the most amazing woman in the world, and one day, you’re going to find someone who realizes how lucky he is to have you in his life. Okay?” 

Blinking away a tear – _why couldn’t that person be you?_ – Iris gave a little nod.

His thumb rubbed against the back of her hand in a comforting gesture as he added gently, “Chase is an idiot, you know, and he never deserved you. I mean, I never thought he was a mental giant, but if he actually let you go, he’s dumber than I thought.”

Iris’s laugh broke off with a little hiccup, and she rolled her eyes at him, knowing he was trying to make her smile. “You thought Chase was dumb? You never told me that!”

Barry raised his eyebrows slightly at her. “That time we all went to the library to study together? I left my copy of the periodic table back in my room. I asked him if he had one, and he told me he was pretty sure it was oak. “Or it could be maple.” He thought I was talking about the library tables.”

Iris laughed, and Barry lifted a hand to cup her cheek. Brushing a rogue tear away with his thumb, he began, “Iris, I –” But whatever he was about to say got interrupted by the loud chirp of an incoming text message to his phone. With a sigh and a quick apology, he pulled it out of his pocket. “Damn. I – I forgot I promised to do something with Patty. Let me give her a call and let her know I’ll be a little longer. I’m sure she won’t mind if we –”

“Oh, no. Don’t you dare, Barry Allen!” Iris chided him, pulling out of his reach. Injecting some lightness into her tone, she continued, “This is a big day for you, and we are not going to let my revolving door of loser boyfriends and numerous personality defects ruin it! You go meet up with your girlfriend! I’ll be fine.”

“It’s really not a – wait, personality defects? You don’t – Chase didn’t say anything like that to you, did he?” His voice was so outraged that Iris was afraid for a second he’d go race around campus to find her ex and give him a piece of his mind.

He clutched his phone tight in his fist, and Iris could see the muscles in his jaw clench in anger. In an effort to reassure him, she reached out and covered his fist with her hand. “I appreciate that you’re willing to rush to my defense, but it’s okay. He didn’t say anything that’s not true.”

“You don’t _have_ any personality defe-”

She cut him off with a forced chuckle. “Oh, believe me. I have plenty. I just apparently keep them under wraps until I’m dating someone. If you and I had ever dated, you’d know.” She could have bit her tongue when she realized what she’d said. Before he could read too much into her statement, she rushed to add, “Anyway, I am _not_ going to allow this to derail your party. Or, um, Patty’s birthday. You go meet up with her. I’ve got some research at the library I need to do. See you tonight?”

For one moment, he looked like he was going to protest. Then he gave her a fleeting smile and ran out the door, leaving her to her pastries and her sorrow.

* * *

Barry threw his book bag on his desk as he took his seat across the table from Cisco. When his friend didn’t bother to look up, he rocked back on the chair’s back legs and tapped his fingers impatiently against his knee.

“What?” Cisco asked, still not looking up from his textbook.

“Nothing!” Barry replied. When his friend finally tore his gaze away from his text, Barry blurted, “Iris and Chase broke up.”

He was silent for a moment and then grunted and turned the page. “I see.”

Barry was practically vibrating as he dropped the front legs of his chair to the floor. “That’s it? That’s all you have to say?”

His friend shrugged. “Well, I was going to say ‘I’ll take “things that in no way impact you” for one hundred, Alex,’ but ‘I see’ was faster.” 

When Barry swiped a nearby crumpled piece of paper and tossed it at him, he met his eyes again. “You’re dating Patty, remember? She just asked you to move in with her, as I recall.”

Barry ran a hand through his hair and began fiddling with his pen, tapping it quickly on the desk until Cisco snatched it out of his hand and tossed it aside. “I remember!” he protested in a defensive tone. “And Patty’s great! Really! It’s just…”

Cisco sighed and closed his book, setting it aside. Resting his arms on the table, he said, “She’s not Iris.”

He shrugged, his gaze falling to the table. “She’s not Iris,” he agreed in a low voice.

“You know, I don’t want to ruin your moment of happiness, but Iris being single doesn’t really change anything.”

“I know,” he admitted. “And it’s not that I’m glad he broke up with her. It’s just…he was a jerk, and he didn’t deserve her.”

“So your current happiness is entirely altruistic?” Cisco asked skeptically.

“Well…it’s not entirely selfish,” he admitted weakly. “I just don’t understand how she doesn’t see that she deserves so much more than these guys she’s dated lately.”

“And the fact you’ve been hopelessly in love with her since freshman year has nothing to do with that assessment, I’m sure.” When Barry didn’t respond, he pointed out gently, “You know, you’re going to have to do something about this crush of yours eventually. Dating Patty to get over her clearly isn’t working, and it really isn’t fair to her.”

Barry grimaced. “I know it isn’t. I don’t want to hurt her,” he admitted softly. “I care about her. I just keep hoping, maybe if I give it a little more time…”

“It’s been a year. How long do you need? Maybe you should tell Iris how you feel.”

“If I do that, I know what’ll happen. If I tell her how I feel, it’ll make things awkward. I’m just her friend. That’s it. If I tell her how I feel, I might not even be that anymore.”

“Okay. But you can’t pretend forever.” Grabbing his book, he leaned back in his chair. “Frankly, I don’t know how she doesn’t know already. You’re a terrible liar.

Barry sighed and pulled out his textbook. Cisco was right, but that didn’t make it any easier to decide what to do.

* * *

“Please tell me you look this good for my benefit,” Linda joked as Iris joined her on the curb.

Throwing her friend an innocent look, “Are you kidding? I always look this good.” She wasn’t about to admit the number of wardrobe changes she’d gone through, wanting to look her best for Barry. 

Linda grinned. “I guess I can’t argue with that.” Nudging her with her elbow, she asked gently, “Are you sure you’re up for this?”

“It’s a party!” Iris responded brightly, walking towards the front doors to the house Patty and her five roommates were renting for the year. “What can happen at a party?”

Her friend smirked. “Oh, nothing interesting I’m sure.”

As soon as she walked through the door, she craned her neck to look for Barry. She would say hello, wish Patty a happy birthday, and then vamoose so the lovebirds could enjoy their party. With any luck, maybe she’d find her next Chad – someone new who would pose absolutely no risk to her heart as she tried to ignore her feelings for her best friend.

A minute later, she saw that all-too-familiar profile and made her way into the living room to say hello. He was standing on the far side of the room, one hand awkwardly shoved in his pocket, a red Solo cup in the other. Patty was standing by his side, talking animatedly to a couple of friends.

The moment he saw Iris, Barry broke into a smile and he stepped forward to pull her into a hug. “Hey! You made it!” he said happily as he enveloped her in his arms.

Iris allowed herself one deep sigh of contentment before answering, “Of course I did! I told you I would, didn’t I?” It took her a moment longer than it should have to step away, but when she did, she turned to Patty with a smile. “Happy birthday, by the way!”

Linking arms with her boyfriend, she responded cheerfully, “Thanks! Feel free to help yourself to a drink. There’s a bar in the kitchen and someone was just setting up a game of beer pong outside.”

“Great! I’m going to go see what kind of trouble I can find in the kitchen, then.” It was time to move on to Phase Two of her plan: Avoid Barry. So, throwing him a small smile and a wave, she turned on her heel and pushed through the crowd towards the bar. When she got there, a crowd of fratboys were in the way, and Iris couldn’t manage to push through them to get a drink.

“Hey, Steve? Can I get a beer?” 

Iris turned at the familiar voice and grinned. “My hero,” she teased. “Didn’t I just leave you in the living room?”

He put a hand on her hip, gently guiding her out of the way as one of the closest fratboys got caught up in his story and started to gesture wildly. “What kind of host would I be if I didn’t make sure you got something to drink? Anyway, maybe I needed a refill.”

Rocking forward on her toes, she peered into his cup. As she suspected, it was still mostly full of what was likely lukewarm beer at this point. “Oh, yeah. It’s a good thing you came when you did. At this rate, your cup will be empty by next Thursday. You may die of dehydration.”

Barry laughed. “Okay, so warm beer isn’t really my thing.” Grabbing the beer Steve passed his way, he passed it over to her. “You, uh, you look amazing by the way.”

Though she knew she should shrug it off, Iris glowed at his compliment and tried to pretend that she hadn’t had him in mind when she picked the deep red dress so tight she almost had to be sewn into it. “Thanks! You look pretty amazing yourself.” Somehow, he made jeans and a simple button up shirt look good.

Knowing she was lingering, Iris tossed her hair over her shoulder and raised her cup. “Thanks for this, by the way. I should, uh, I should probably go find Linda. If I know her, she’s probably playing beer pong, wiping the floor with her unsuspecting opponents. Word to the wise? If she ever challenges you, it’s a sucker’s bet. She’s absolutely ruthless.”

“I’ll bear that in mind!” An awkward beat fell between them, and then he added, “Um, I should probably get back to Patty. But…don’t leave without saying goodbye, okay?”

“It’s a promise!” she said brightly and then watched him melt back into the crowd.

* * *

A few hours later, Iris was only a little the worse for wear as she made her way downstairs, cursing the strappy heels that had seemed sexy earlier in the evening but were now a threat to her equilibrium. She’d had the idea to get a breath of fresh air outside, but she was distracted from her purpose when she bumped into the man who’d been on her mind all night on her way to the door.

“Barry!” she called out in delight. Someone jostled her arm, causing her to stagger forward. As though she hadn’t seen him in a year, she threw her arms around him in a tight hug. “You’re here!”

Barry laughed, pulled her against him. “Yeah, it’s my party, remember? Are you okay?”

“Just a little tipsy,” she replied, leaning back a little. Barry had a little beer foam the corner of his mouth, and she brushed it away with her thumb without a second thought. “You having a good time?”

“Oh, sure. You?” He hadn’t released her, though he did loosen his hold a little.

“Hey, I always love a good party. And I know you were worried about it, but this is a good party.”

“If you say so,” he humored her.

Iris shook her head. “No, it’s true! Nobody has thrown up on my shoes once!” She paused, her brow crinkling with a slight frown. “At least not yet.”

Barry laughed. “Well, that’s a high bar!”

“I’m not done! You also have good mus-ooh! Music! I love this song! Come dance with me!” 

“Are you sure you’re just a little tipsy?” he asked, though he didn’t protest as she grabbed his hand and pulled him back towards the living room, where the furniture had been shoved out of the way to make room for dancing. An up-tempo song was playing, and Iris had consumed just enough alcohol to ignore the voice in her mind that warned of the danger of whirling in his arms, pressing her back against him, and swaying to the beat. His breath on the side of her neck made her shiver as he rested a hand against her stomach and pulled her backwards against him.

The voice got much more insistent, however, when she looked up and saw his girlfriend watching them with wide eyes. “Patty!” she said happily, dancing forward like an impromptu conga line of two had been her intention all along. “Come dance!”

Reaching out, she pulled the other woman onto the dance floor, not really registering Patty’s slightly slurred, “But, Barry, you said you didn’t feel like dancing…” 

Twisting to the side, Iris all but shoved Patty into his arms. “Oop! Time for a refill!” she yelled over the music and then all but ran back to the kitchen to get a glance of water. She’d definitely had at least one beer too many as it was.

* * *

Iris downed a glass of water and sucked in a few deep breaths, trying to clear her head. It was lucky that Patty had come when she had, or Iris would have probably done something even more embarrassing. As it was, her behavior had bordered on mortifyingly revealing. It had certainly been inappropriate for a guy who was supposed to be just her friend. She should probably go before things got worse.

Still feeling tipsy, however, she headed for the kitchen door. It led to the back of the house, and while the party had undoubtedly spilled over into the yard, some fresh air would do her good. When she stepped out onto the patio, however, she heard raised voices and curiosity got the better of her – undoubtedly an occupational hazard of being a journalist-in-training.

Stepping off the patio, she rounded the corner of the house and regretted her curiosity immediately when she saw Barry and Patty in the middle of a heated argument.

“You know what? Screw you!” Patty yell, her words distinctly slurred. Iris took a quick step back, hoping to get away before they noticed her presence. Her slight movement seemed to capture the other woman’s attention, however, because she turned on her. Her eyes narrowed, she spat, “Oh, it’s you. Why wouldn’t it be you?”

“I-I didn’t mean to interru-” she began, but Patty wasn’t listening. Looking from Iris to Barry, she flung her arms out in a wild gesture threw her off balance and made her stumble slightly. “You know what? I take it back. Maybe you should screw each other! Get it all out of your system! Give another girl an actual shot for a change!”

Iris gasped, her eyes flying to Barry’s face as she felt her cheeks flush. Was Patty just drunk, or had she discovered her secret? 

“Patty,” Barry said in a low voice. “That’s enough. We should talk about this in private.”

“Why? She’s been such a huge part of our relationship so far! Why shouldn’t she be here for this, too?” The beer in Iris’s stomach soured when the irate woman whirled on her. “You know, I can’t decide if this is all an act or if you honestly are that oblivious, but –”

“That’s _enough_ , Patty!” Barry barked angrily.

Patty started to cry, sinking into a seated position on the ground. “You would defend her, wouldn’t you?”

Knowing her presence was only making things worse, Iris took a few quick steps back. “I-I should head out. I’ll see you later, okay?”

Though Barry’s eyes were sad, he didn’t stop her as she darted away. The last thing Iris saw, he had knelt down next to his girlfriend, wrapping an arm around her as she cried into his shoulder.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Barry called out and held up one hand in greeting when he saw Iris round the corner in front of him. Her face broke into a wide grin, and he couldn’t resist breaking into a quick jog to reach her side more quickly. It had been a few days since they’d seen each other last – since the unfortunate scene at the party – and he’d missed her. 

“Hey!” she greeted him warmly when she reached his side, hesitating only a heartbeat before stretching up on her toes and giving him a quick hug. He wasn’t fooled into thinking she’d forgotten Patty’s outburst, however, as she maintained more distance in their hug than usual. “It’s good to see you. Sorry I had to cancel our plans the other day.”

“No problem,” he replied, allowing himself to squeeze her tightly for only three seconds before releasing her and stepping back. “Looks like you survived the research paper, though!”

She looked away from him and brushed a stray hair off her cheek. “Barely. Don’t remind me.” Linking his arm in his, the two of them strolled towards the quad together. They didn’t really have specific plans together, but they didn’t need to do anything in particular for him to appreciate her company. Eventually, though, he knew he would have to tell her.

The subject came up a lot sooner than he’d hoped. “So, did Patty like her present?” He’d gotten her a gold chain with a small pendant, and he’d planned to give it to her the day after the party, on her actual birthday.

He grimaced and scraped his teeth against his lower lip, debating whether to dodge the question or address the issue straight on. “Oh, well…not really. Patty and I actually broke up. Over the weekend. It’s not –”

Before he could reassure her that he was okay, Iris pulled away with a soft cry. “Oh, no! This isn’t – it isn’t because of me, is it? Because of what happened at the party? Because if so, I can explain to her that there’s nothing between us beyond friendship. Maybe I can –”

“Hey, no,” he interjected, grabbing her arm and turning her to face him. Cupping her face in his hands, he stroked her cheek with a thumb and lowered his voice to tell her reassuringly, “This isn’t your fault, okay? We didn’t break up because of you or because of the party.”

She looked so miserable that his heart ached more at seeing it than for the breakup itself. Which, in the end, was why he’d decided he needed to end his relationship with Patty. “But – but you guys were so happy,” she protested in a tortured whisper.

He shook his head. “If we’d been so happy together, we’d still be together,” he pointed out gently. “Thank you. For being my friend and being so ready to fight this battle for me. But it wasn’t you. And it wasn’t Patty. It was me.”

She nibbled her lower lip, and then her shoulders sagged in defeat. “I’m sorry, Barry.” Stepping forward, she stretched up on her tiptoes and wrapped her arms around his shoulders. He stooped so she could rest her chin on his shoulder while she ran her hand comfortingly up and down his back. “Is there anything I can do for you?”

Tucking his cheek against the curve of her neck, he inhaled deeply. He could almost imagine telling her how he really felt, but instead, he suggested softly, “Well, there is a marathon of all the Jaws movies in the theater downtown tomorrow night. Want to go?”

Her lips pursed slightly, she looked at him askance. “There’s more than one movie? I guess Jaws was pretty good,” she began cautiously. “It could be fun.”

Barry grinned. “Wait until you see Mrs. Brody’s psychic connection to the shark with a personal vendetta against her family in the fourth movie. And the way the sharks somehow manage to look worse from one movie to the next, which is pretty much the opposite of what you would expect. It’s amazing.”

Iris tucked herself against Barry’s side and chuckled as they resumed their walk. “Well, if it’ll make you feel better, how can I resist?”

He smiled down at her and murmured, “Thank you, Iris. I’m lucky to have a friend like you.”

She chuckled. “I’ll remind you that you said that when you try to pretend that you aren’t going to buy me extra-large popcorn at the theater.” When he started to protest, she poked him in the side. “And Junior Mints.” Barry laughed, feeling happier in this moment than he had in a long time.

* * *

Their lives fell into a new pattern now that he was single. They still met at the coffee house each morning before class, it being a convenient source of both caffeine and pastries when one needed an emergency sugar rush. But now that he had no other claims on his time, they began to meet up after class to study at the same table in the library or to hang out together in one of their dorms.

On one such evening a few weeks after the breakup, Barry arrived at Iris’s room with a hot pizza from Iris’s favorite restaurant and a bag filled with brownies from a local bakery. She hadn’t so much invited him over as demanded he come. Truth was, he had beaten her at Rockband a few evenings before (with minimal cheating), and she had demanded a rematch. She was the only person he knew who could make Rockband into a full-contact sport.

A few hours later, when the pizza was gone and Iris had reclaimed her title as unquestioned victor, they lay together on the floor, their heads propped against the side of the bed. Iris stifled a yawn with one hand and rubbed her stomach with the other. “I can’t believe how much I just ate. Is it all gone?”

Barry tilted his head in her direction. “Not all of it. There’s one brownie left.” He nudged the container in her direction. “You want it?”

She moaned. “I shouldn’t. I think I’m about to pop.” But she threw the bag a considering look. “Just one?”

Fighting a smile, he reached into the bag and pulled out the last brownie. “Yup. Just the one. You sure you don’t want it?”

“I shouldn’t,” she admitted, eyeing the brownie meaningfully. “Mmmm…but I’d hate for it to go to waste. Maybe I could have just a little.”

He pursed his lips and shook his head. “No, maybe that isn’t a good idea. I should probably eat it and save you from yourself.” She made a swipe for it, but he rolled out of reach and got to his feet. She followed, but he danced away when she grabbed for him again. “Yes, I should definitely save you from yourself.” One more swipe, and he laughed and made a break for the door.

“Barry Allen, you bring me back that brownie!” Iris screamed in outrage as she chased him into the hall.

“But you said you’d pop if you had another bite!” he reminded her, taking a huge chunk out of his contraband.

She remained a pace or two behind him as he raced down the hall to the stairs. On either side of the hallway, her sorority sisters poked their heads through their bedroom doors to watch the commotion. But they just rolled their eyes and retreated again when they saw its cause.

“That doesn’t mean I wasn’t planning to eat it anyway!” 

Barry raced down the stairs, slowing just enough for Iris to keep up. “I know! That’s why I’m saving you from yourself! What are friends for?”

She ignored the question as she chased him from the hall to the dining room and into the kitchen, where they dance around the kitchen island long enough for Iris to catch her breath. Then he darted back into the hall and across to the living room.

He rounded the couch and turned to say something to his pursuer when he realized she’d taken a shortcut. Instead of going around, she’d chosen to go over. Just as he turned, she launched off the armrest towards him. Though she’d been aiming for his back, she landed against his chest, instead.

His free hand went around her instinctively, but her added weight had thrown off his center of gravity. Barry stumbled forward, trying to recover, before finally going down. They landed hard on the couch, Iris beneath him, their faces inches apart. But with a brownie on the line, Iris wasn’t so easily diverted from her purpose. She wiggled beneath him and she grabbed for his hand. When she still couldn’t reach, she grunted and stretched as hard as she could, her back arched. He had to bite back a grunt when her breasts pressed against his chest as she tugged at his outstretched arm.

Iris didn’t seem to notice his distraction. She was too focused on the remnants of the brownie he still held. “Give…it…to…me!”

Trying not to think about what her determined squirming was doing to him, he focused on taunting her instead. “You want this brownie? You’re sure?”

His teasing words seemed to catch her attention for a moment, because she stilled, staring up at him with eyes narrowed in suspicion. “Yes?” she finally said, though it came out more as a question.

His grin was mischievous. “Here you go!” He fully intended to smoosh it into her face. However, as he brought the brownie closer, her lips parted expectantly, distracting him from his purpose. His gaze falling to her mouth, his hand stilling. Her lips curving into a devilish smile of her own, Iris grabbed a chunk of brownie and smashed it against his mouth.

Barry’s eyes went wide at the realization that she’d beaten him to the punch. Unwilling to let her win so easily, he protested, “You should have some, too!” and rubbed the little bit of brownie he still held against her mouth.

Her laugh was infectious, and he lost himself in it until her tongue flicked against her lower lip, swiping away some of the crumbs left behind there. His breath seized in his chest, his laughter dying abruptly, when he watched the movement of her tongue and realized once again how close they were.

Iris seemed to pick up on the sudden tension between them because her laughter faded, and she stared up at him with wide eyes. She looked almost nervous, but she didn’t move or push him away. Though if she’d known what he was thinking, she probably would.

“You, uh, you missed a spot.” His voice was hoarse as he ducked his head, his gaze locked on the lips he so wanted to kiss. At the last moment, however, reason prevailed. He turned his head and pressed a soft kiss against her cheek instead.

“Oh,” she breathed as he pulled back. The silence that fell between them was finally broken by a sound from the doorway. Someone was clearing their throat very loudly and very pointedly.

Barry looked up to see Felicity watching them. Her arms were folded over her chest, and she lifted her eyebrows in silent emphasis when he met her gaze. “Ah,” he began, the subtle pressure of Iris’s hand against his chest prompting him to lift his body off her.

“He stole my brownie.” Iris offered the explanation in a subtle undertone. “I, um, I think I got some chocolate in my hair. I’ll be right back.” Without another glance at either of them, she scurried out of the room.

“I-it was totally platonic, I swear!” Barry rushed to explain once Iris was safely out of earshot.

“Oh, of course. I often eat food off my friends. Platonically. Of course.”

Felicity was, as far as Barry was aware, the only person in the house who knew of his true feelings. It was ironically thanks to Iris and her matchmaking that she did. In fact, Iris had tried to set them up on a date once. Their relationship, as it were, lasted the span of one dinner (spent talking more about other people than each other) and two kisses. When the kisses evoked more sheepish laughter than passion, they’d admitted to each other what had been obvious at dinner – they were too in love with other people for their relationship to ever really have a shot. Though romance between them would be hopeless, they had become good friends.

Since their failed date, Felicity had enjoyed more luck in her romantic pursuit than he. “By the way, I heard about you and Patty. I’m sorry,” she told him after a moment.

“But not surprised?” he asked, wiping his mouth with his hand as he leaned back against the couch.

“But not surprised,” she agreed.

She threw him a sympathetic look but thankfully refrained from pressing the issue. After a minute or two, Iris returned, fully de-brownified. As she plopped down in the adjacent armchair, Felicity asked in a bright tone, “So, Barry. Oliver was telling me earlier that they’re going to be doing some work on your dorms next week. Are they going to be working on your floor, too?”

He nodded. “The whole building, actually. Apparently, one of the parents complained about some suspicious mold. They’re kicking everyone out while they make sure we aren’t all being slowly poisoned.”

“That sucks!” What are you going to do?”

Touched by the obvious concern in her voice, Barry smiled over at Iris. “I’ll be all right. I’ll probably just go to a hotel –”

“Don’t be silly!” Felicity interjected. “You should stay in my room!”

“Wait, what?” Barry asked, thinking he had to have misheard.

“What?” Iris echoed in a similar tone.

Felicity waved her hand dismissively. “Not with me, obviously. That would be totally weird. And completely inappropriate because of, you know, Oliver. But since he is also being left to his own devices for a few days, he talked me into a romantic getaway. Just the two of us. Far away from here. Having far too much sex to interfere with you crashing in my room.” She paused and then added, “I mean, why waste money on a hotel when I have a room you can use for free? Unless you can think of a good reason why you shouldn’t stay here with a bunch of women with whom you are strictly platonic friends?”

Barry glowered at her, having not missed that subtle jab. Felicity looked all innocence over at Iris. Iris glanced at Barry, a small frown furrowing her brow. “Of course not!” she finally added cheerfully. “Like Felicity said, it makes a lot more sense for you to stay here than at some crappy hotel. Unless…there is some reason why you don’t want to?”

Backed into a corner – and unable to confess his reservations without also confessing his feelings – he shook his head slowly. “No, of course not. It sounds great.”

As she turned to leave, he wasn’t sure if he wanted to kiss Felicity for giving him the opportunity to be so close to Iris for a few days or throttle her for putting him in what would almost certainly be in an awkward position. His determination of “probably a little of both” changed to definitely wanting to throttle her when she ducked her head back into the room and pointed out gently, “By the way, you still have brownie all over your face. Just thought you should know.”

* * *

For three days, Iris had been unable to stop thinking about the fact that Barry would soon be sleeping in the very next room. She tried to push those thoughts aside now, as she led him through the front door and towards the stairs. Her foot was on the bottom step when Sara walked through the adjacent door. The sight of them seemed to send her into some kind of fit, because she fell into an outburst of coughing loud enough to make Iris jump. “Are you okay?” she asked in concern.

“Sara! Are you all right? Do you need water?” her sister, Laurel, called from upstairs. Iris narrowed her eyes, getting a sinking feeling in her stomach. That Laurel could have heard the coughing fit was totally believable. That she could have identified its person of origin from a floor away was less so. Plus, the tone of the question had been a little too exaggerated and deliberate. Before Iris could get to the bottom of the matter, Sara’s cough stopped as abruptly as it had started, and she waved them up the stairs. Though Barry shot her a bemused smile, he followed Iris without comment.

As soon as they reached the second level, however, she discovered that her sinking feeling had been entirely appropriate. Prescient, even. The moment she rounded the corner, she heard Felicity yell, “Like I would want to spend the night with your ego anyway!”

Oliver and Felicity were standing in the hallway outside of her bedroom, having what appeared, at least, to be a spectacular fight. “Oh, yeah? Well, better than being stuck with your…uh…computer!”

Their stilted shouts were one thing. When Oliver grimaced and Felicity gave him an encouraging nod, her eyes wide, Iris lost all doubt. This little performance was done for her benefit. Well, hers and Barry’s.

A beat of awkward silence followed, and then Felicity, all wounded dignity, cried, “I didn’t want to go on your stupid trip anyway!”

“Well, fine!” he returned in a similar tone.

“Fine!” 

“Fine!” Then, after Felicity gave a little nod towards the stairs, he turned in a huff and stormed away. Felicity made all pretense of bursting into tears, but Iris noticed her eyes remained dry, even as Laurel and Sara wrapped her in comforting hugs and swept her into her room. 

You suck, she mouthed to the unrepentant blonde before the door closed behind them. With a resigned sigh, Iris ushered Barry into her room, instead. 

“What was that?” he asked once she’d closed the door behind them.

Iris kept her tone flat as she deadpanned, “Drugs. My housemates take lots of drugs.”

If it weren’t for the prospect of the evening ahead, Iris would have been grateful to Felicity for the charade. Barry’s laugh warmed her heart and almost made her feel guilty for her homicidal inclinations in the hallway. Still, realizing she would have to address the sleeping situation sooner or later, she cleared her throat. “Um…about tonight…”

“I can still go to a hotel,” he rushed to reassure her, shifting the strip of his duffel bag where it rested on his shoulder.

She rolled her eyes. “Don’t be so sure. They’d probably knock you down the stairs and break your leg if you tried,” she grumbled.

“Huh?” he asked, but she ignored him.

Trying not to sound as defeated as she felt – or as hopeful as she wanted to be – she sighed. “No, don’t be silly. You can stay here! We’re friends. There is absolutely no reason why we couldn’t share a room for a few nights. Right?”

He looked askance at the bed. Though a double, it suddenly seemed so small. “Right,” he finally agreed.

* * *

Iris tried to put it off as long as possible, but there are only so many rounds with the X-Box one could challenge one’s best friend to before the procrastination becomes obvious. At one point in the evening, she’d been so desperate for a distraction from the evening ahead that she had dragged Barry down to the living room, where all her sorority sisters were sitting around talking. This plan had backfired, as the conversation had turned to the subject of Friends With Benefits relationships, and they had been forced to flee back to her bedroom in self-preservation.

When Iris could find no more reasonable excuses for the two to stay up for a while longer, she grabbed her pajamas and darted to the restroom to get ready for bed. Though she usually wore only an oversized shirt to bed, she pulled on some pajama shorts, as well, and then stared at herself in the mirror. Time for a much-needed pep talk. “You can do this,” she whispered with as much conviction as she could muster. “Just take it a night at a time. He’s just a friend. It’ll be okay. This doesn’t have to be any different than the time you went camping and shared a tent with Kara and Cynthia.” 

She blew out a deep breath and admitted the obvious. “Except you’ve never had any extremely graphic fantasies about having sex with Kara and Cynthia. So, actually, this is nothing like that, and you’re totally screwed.” Throwing her reflection a grim nod, she muttered on a groan, “Yup. Totally screwed.”

Lamenting that she couldn’t hide in the bathroom forever without raising serious questions, she smoothed her hands over her shirt, squared her shoulders, and walked with determination back to her room. She could do this. She could do this.

She threw open the door to find Barry, shirtless, digging around for something in his bag. She couldn’t do this.

He looked up and pushed his hair off his forehead. “I’m sorry. I could have sworn I packed a t-shirt to sleep in. I just can’t find it. I don’t suppose someone here might have one I can borrow?”

“That they’re likely to let us borrow? Probably not,” she admitted. She tried not to stare at his chest when he turned his attention back to his hunt. She’d known he was in good shape, but his abs were even better defined than she’d imagined. She was half-relieved and half-disappointed when he finally held up a plain white tee with a victorious cry. Her relief was short-lived, however, since it turned out to be tighter on him than she’d predicted. She had to straighten the books on her desk to keep from staring.

Barry puttered around for a few minutes, allowing her some time to regain her equilibrium while he ducked away to brush his teeth. All too soon, it was time to turn in. With a gulp, Iris switched off the lights and padded over to the bed. She climbed in, scooting all the way against the wall, and held her breath as he followed.

In the dim moonlight, she watched him settle back against the pillows. He tucked one arm under his head and stared up at the ceiling. She almost resented his apparent nonchalance at their closeness, though there was no point now in growing angry that her love remained unrequited. Still, while she knew she couldn’t afford to get complacent, she had to admit that it was nice, being close to him like this.

At least, it was until he broke the silence that had fallen between them by asking, “Iris? Have you ever had a friends with benefits relationship?”

She gulped, trying to keep her voice steady when she replied, “No. You?” When he shook his head, she asked softly, “What brought this on?”

He sighed. “Just…thinking about what the conversation earlier, I guess. Your friends seem pretty convinced that keeping relationships casual is the way to go.”

Her shoulders sagged when she realized what had prompted the question. It had been foolish of her to think for a moment that he had been as distracted by their current sleeping arrangement as she was. He was still heartbroken over Patty, probably on the rebound, and was justifiably wondering if there wasn’t a way to avoid such heartbreak in the future.

Turning toward him, she pillowed her head on one arm and asked as gently as she could, “Barry? Can I ask you a question? What happened with Patty?”

He turned to look at her and then back at the ceiling again. She almost convinced herself he wasn’t going to answer, but he finally did. The blankets shifted slightly with his shrug. “We just wanted different things, I guess. I kept trying to convince myself that we could make it work, that I could make myself want – or not want – things…that we would get on the same page, given time. But I finally realized I couldn’t, and I wasn’t being fair to her by pretending. You know?”

She wasn’t sure she did, but she nodded anyway. “By ‘some things,’ you mean…marriage and kids?”

“In a manner of speaking.”

“So are you for or against?”

He chuckled. “Definitely for. You should meet my parents, you know. I’ve never seen two people more in love. I want to have that someday. Something remarkable. Don’t you?”

She shrugged in return. “I don’t know. I haven’t really thought about it,” she lied. “I mean, sure. I guess. But, like you, I want something remarkable. And I think…that isn’t easy to find. And the problem is, even if you find someone that you can love like that, there’s no guarantee they will love you back, you know? Or that you’ll stay in love. So you fall in love, setting yourself up for spectacular failure. And in the end, you realize maybe you should have just tried to be friends all along. Because now, you can’t be that, either.” 

She was speaking more to herself, reminding herself of all the reasons why it was better that she keep her feelings to herself. Because the truth was that every time she thought about marriage and children, she thought about being married to him. Having children with him. And she didn’t know how she was ever going to get past that.

Ignorant of her musings, Barry turned towards her with a chuckle. “That’s a pretty dire view of relationships! I guess it’s good we’ve never been interested in each other like that, then, huh?”

Though she doubted he could see her, she hid her feelings behind a smile out of habit. “Yup! Nothing will ever get in the way of our friendship.”

He pulled his arm out from under his head and caressed her cheek, brushing her hair away from her face in the dark. “I – Right,” he agreed on a sigh. “Good night, Iris.”

“Good night, Barry,” she murmured. Squeezing her eyes shut and trying not to think about the warm body in the bed next to her, she willed herself to go to sleep.

 _One night at a time_ , she told herself. _You’ll get through this. Just take it one night at a time._

* * *

Although she had been so close to the edge of the bed that she’d fallen asleep with her back pressed against the wall, Iris found herself in Barry’s arms when she awoke the next morning. Her head was tucked against his neck, her hand against his heart. He lay on one side, his arms wrapped tightly around her. One hand had slipped under her hair, warming the skin between her shoulder blades, and the other had slid under her shirt and was pressed against her bare waist.

She caught her breath and stiffened, silently debating whether she could pull away without waking him up. She shifted, intending to disentangle her leg from his, but the movement only brought to her attention the feel of his erection, hard against her thigh. Iris’s breath escaped in a whoosh as she clutched the front of his shirt.

Iris bit her lip and didn’t move. She knew she should pull away, but she didn’t want this moment to end. As she struggled with indecision, Barry moaned softly and pulled her closer, pressing his cheek against the top of her head. His hand slid slowly along the curve of her waist, up her ribcage, to cup her breast in his palm. His incoherent mumble in her ear reassured her that he was still asleep, but that didn’t really solve her predicament. 

She stifled her moan against his neck when his thumb brushed softly against her nipple and unthinkingly pressed against him, sliding her leg between his and rocking her hip against his erection. When he made a soft sound in her ear, she moved against him again, though the pressure against his thigh did very little to distract her from the heat pooling between her legs.

Barry tightened his other arm around her waist, which only served to remind her that she was supposed to be trying to get out of this embrace. Not succumbing even more to it. She lifted her head off his shoulder and looked into his face, but the sudden movement seemed to have broken the spell. His eyelashes, unreasonably long in her opinion, brushed against his cheeks as his eyes fluttered open.

“Iris,” he greeted her with a sleepy smile.

In a moment, she knew that the cobwebs would fade and he would realize the position they were in. Inner demons warred with her better angels, one telling her to press closer while the other warned her to pull away before she got hurt. But this one time, she didn’t want to do the right thing. She had dreamt about having his hands on her all night long and had, miraculously, woken up to the real thing. Just this once, she wanted to be selfish, to hell with the consequences.

Just as he his eyes widened with the realization that he was cupping her breast under her shirt, she bucked her hips against him, pressing hard against his erection. “Barry,” she whispered.

She didn’t know who moved first, but then his mouth was on hers, his kiss swallowing her breath. She moaned deep in her throat, shifting her legs to position him between her thighs. This time, when she rocked her hips, his erection pressed against her core, making her yearn for more even as it promised relief from the need that drove her.

Barry thrust his hips again as he slid his free hand under her shirt, skimming along the curve of her spine to the back of her neck. He held her tight against him. His mouth was hot on the side of her neck, his faint stubble brushing lightly against the tender skin below her ear. “Iris. Oh, my god, Iris,” he moaned into her ear.

She couldn’t get enough of him. Her breath was a soft whimper as she tore at the bottom hem of his shirt, wanting to feel his bare skin against her palms. She slid her hands under his tee curling her fingers into the top hem of his shorts. He cupped her ass in his hands, pulling her hard against him as he thrust against her again and again. “Barry, please,” she moaned into his ear.

It was strangely that plea that brought her back to herself, making her realize what she and Barry were about to do. “Wait! No! Shit!” she cried, pushing off his chest and out of his arms. Scampering off the bed, she fell back into her desk chair. She held onto the chair arms as though it was the only thing keeping her from jumping back into his arms. Maybe it was.

His eyes wide, he pushed himself up to rest his back against the wall and pulled a pillow into his lap. “Oh, god. Iris, I’m sorry. I wasn’t – I didn’t –”

“I did,” she interjected. She knew what he was thinking, and she didn’t want to give him the wrong impression. “I really, really wanted to keep doing what we were doing. But, I – I don’t…”

Clutching the arms of her chair may have kept her in place, but it did nothing to distract her from how delectable he looked, his hair mussed from sleep. She stared at his lips, wishing she could feel them on her breasts.

Knowing she was messing this up, she ran her fingers through her hair and began to pace. “The thing is, I want to do this. I really do. But…we’re friends. So if we’re going to – uh – if we’re going to do this, then we need to understand what we’re getting into. We need to make sure we’re on the same page.”

“The – the same page?” he repeated, shaking his head slightly. “What do you mean?”

Iris took a deep breath. “I mean…Going from friends to friends with benefits can be complicated. I really, really want to have sex with you, but I don’t want it to be like this. If we just jump into it, we might regret it later. And that’s – that’s not what I want. So if we’re going to do this, I need you to be sure. Is this what you want?”


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Although she’d taken a long, hot shower, Iris still smelled Barry every time she turned her head. She could swear his aftershave clung to her everywhere. His scent clung to her hands. Her hair. Her skin. And her lips still tingled from his kiss.

Things had ended awkwardly between them that morning. After asking him what he’d wanted, Iris had blurted – loudly enough to almost be a scream – that she would give him time to decide and fled from the room. She’d barreled full-speed into Oliver and Felicity in the hall (mid-kiss, so their supposed “fight” hadn’t lasted long), then run into Kara’s room and made small talk until she heard Barry leave.

Now she was pacing outside of Linda’s class, waiting for it to let out. As soon as she saw her friend step through the doors, she stopped, flipped her hair behind her shoulder, and smiled widely. “Linda! Fancy meeting you here!”

“At – at my class?” Linda replied, looking around her in confusion. “Yeah. I’m here every week, pretty much. What are you –”

“Where are you headed?” Iris interjected, cutting her off.

“Um…to grab some lunch?” Throwing her a concerned look, Linda crossed her arms over her chest and asked, “What is wrong with you? You’re acting weird.”

Iris shook her head. “I just wanted to walk with you! To lunch! Is that so strange?”

“A little bit. Yeah,” she agreed as Iris grabbed her arm and yanked her down the hall.

Iris waited until they were on one of the walking paths leading to the Student Union to spill the news. Linda had been staring at her like she was insane for about five minutes, so she just took a deep breath and blurted it out. “I asked Barry if he wanted to be friends with benefits.”

Linda tripped on a crack in the pavement and needed several seconds before she could speak. “Are you _out of your mind_?” she finally screeched. Her exclamation got the attention of several students passing by, and Linda waited until they had moved on before she continued. “You have been in love with Barry Allen for as long as I’ve known you, and you think having a friends with benefits relationship with him is a good idea?”

Though she had her doubts, Iris gave a firm nod. “It’ll be fine. I know what I’m doing.” At her friend’s incredulous look, she sighed. “Look, I know it’s a risk. But maybe…maybe this is what I need to get over him. Like,” she paused, waving her hands in the air as she searched for the correct words to explain, “overdosing to get him out of my system.”

Linda’s jaw dropped. “Iris. That’s…it’s like you are addicted to him, and that’s not how addiction works. Nobody’s ever been like, ‘Well, I’ll just do buckets full of the heroin and then I won’t need to do heroin anymore.’ _Nobody ever says that._ You know that, right?” 

Her gaze earnest, she reached out and grabbed her friend’s hand, dragging her to the side of the path so they could stop and talk. “Look, friends with benefits isn’t necessarily bad. But the only way it ever works is if both parties are very clear going in that they won’t get emotionally involved. You are already emotionally involved. How is that supposed to work?” She squeezed Iris’s hand. “I don’t want you to get hurt, and you are _going_ to get hurt.”

Iris had to clamp her teeth against her lower lip for a moment before she could continue. “I-I know. But…like you said, I love him. And he – he doesn’t love me. Not the same way. He never will. So maybe I get hurt, but I’m the only one at risk of being hurt. And that’s – that’s not so bad. It’s just me, you know?”

Her friend huffed. “Oh, solid logic. You’re right. I have considered your argument, and I have…absolutely no notes,” she responded sarcastically. 

Her gaze dropping, Iris wrung her hands together. “I know you don’t agree with what I’m doing,” she whispered. “But it’s my one chance, don’t you understand? Even if it’s only a month. A week. An hour. It’s my chance to be with him. Is it so wrong of me to want to take it?”

Linda sighed. “No,” she finally replied in an undertone. “It’s not wrong. It’s just dangerous.” After giving her friend’s shoulder a quick squeeze, she stepped back. “Okay, if you’re going to do this and get Barry Allen out of your system, then you need to lay some ground rules. So pay attention. The only way this is going to work at all is if you remain very, very clear with yourself that this is _just_ a friends with benefits situation and _not_ a relationship. Since you’re already hopelessly in love with him, you’re going to need to be more careful than usual. Understand?

“So, first, don’t get involved until after he’s back in his own dorm. Then, you can be fuck buddies as much as you want, but you absolutely _do not_ spend the night. There will be no post-coital cuddling. No snuggling. And absolutely no spooning. You use him for his body and then vamoose out of there, got it?”

Iris’s smile was relieved as she nodded and grabbed a notebook out of her purse to take notes. “No cuddling. Got it. Any more tips, oh wise one?”

Linda grinned. “Did I sound like I was done? Second, I know you guys hang out one-on-one, like, _all the time_ now, but you’re going to need to stop. No more quiet movie nights and making each other dinner. And _definitely_ no bonding over breakfast.” When Iris began to protest, she raised a hand to forestall her. “I’m not saying you can’t hang out with him. But unless you’re actively on the way to having sex or actually in the process of having sex, you should try to keep it public. When you’re actually having sex, however, I do recommend having some privacy. I don’t want to have to come and bail you boink buddies out of jail.”

“Doesn’t that seem a bit extreme?” she asked skeptically. “Why can’t we hang out? Like you said, we do it all the time.”

“Because you guys hang out now as friends. You start having sex together and every time you hang out, it’s going to feel like something more. A cup of coffee together is no longer just a cup of coffee. It’ll feel like a date. And, girl, you need to remember that it isn’t a date.”

Gnawing softly at her lower lip, Iris gave a slow nod. “Okay. I see your point. No canoodling, no domesticity, no dates. Next?”

“Absolutely no meeting the parents.”

Iris didn’t argue at that one. She just wrote it down. “Check. Anything else?”

Linda grimaced. “Yes. And you’re not going to like it.” Taking a deep breath, she plunged ahead. “You need to remember Patty. Every single time you’re with him, you need to remind yourself that he just got out of a very serious relationship with a woman he loved. That you are just the rebound.” 

At her friend’s look of betrayal, she explained softly, “I’m sorry, Iris, but you have to. Because at the end of the day, no matter how careful you are, you’re going to want to believe that sex equals love. And if you’re going to protect yourself emotionally at all, it’ll only be by reminding yourself of the person he really _did_ love. You have to remind yourself that person isn’t you. Which makes him the biggest idiot on the planet, incidentally. But it’s still not you. And even when – _especially_ when – he starts to get over Patty, you have to remind yourself that the fact he’s having sex with you doesn’t mean he loves you. Okay?”

With a resigned nod, she wrote it down. “He doesn’t love me. Got it. Anything else?”

“Yeah. One more thing.” Linda waited until she caught her friend’s eye before saying softly, “I’m sorry.”

Iris gave a tremulous smile. “I appreciate that, but it’ll be okay! You know, maybe he’ll turn out to be really bad in bed and the glow will wear off and that’ll be it! Maybe this really will help me get over him!”

Linda linked her arm in hers and resumed their trip to the Union. “I hope so, Iris. I genuinely mean that. I really hope so.”

* * *

“You’re thinking of doing _what_?” Cisco asked incredulously, finally tearing his attention away from his computer so he could watch his friend pace back and forth.

“You heard me,” Barry grumbled, running his hands through his hair in frustration. “And can you try not to freak out? I wouldn’t have told you at all, except I could really use some advice.”

Cisco kicked his chair away from the desk, crossed his arms across his chest, and gave his friend a measuring look. “You want my advice? Tell her no thanks and run – _run_ – as far away from her as you can until the two of you come back to your senses. Clearly, sharing a bed has caused something to short-circuit between your brains and your libidos, and can I say I told you so?’

“You’re acting like Iris wanting to have sex with me is the end of the world!”

“No! It’s not the end of the world! There’s a chance you could emotionally survive the end of the world! You will not emotionally survive this!” When his friend scoffed, Cisco glared at him. “You’ve been hung up on her since freshman year. Pretending you aren’t in love with her when you’re involved in a pseudo-relationship is going to emotionally destroy you. You’re right. _I’m_ clearly the crazy one.”

“Oh, come on. It won’t be that bad.” When his friend didn’t respond, Barry sighed and collapsed heavily on the edge of Cisco’s bed. “I just want to be with her. Even if it’s just for a while. I want to be with her. You know?”

He shook his head. “I know. But what do you do if – _when_ – this all goes south? When she decides it’s time to walk away? And she will. Are you going to be able to go back to being just friends?”

His mouth a firm line, Barry nodded. “I’m not saying it’ll be easy, but nothing will ever change the way I feel about her. I know I can’t make her love me. But if this is my one chance to be with her, how I do pass that up?”

Cisco rocked back and forth in his chair a little and then heaved a heavy sigh. “Okay, well. We talked about what you should do. But since we both know you won’t do that, let’s talk about how you can make this work without getting your heart completely obliterated.

Barry bounced up from his chair. “Thanks, man.”

“What are friends for?”

* * *

That evening, Iris was trying not to fret as she waited for Barry to return to the room. His class was currently working on an experiment, and she knew he wouldn’t get out until after eight. Still, it was hard not to mull over every possible outcome. Would he even return to her room if he decided he didn’t want to be friends with benefits? Or would he go elsewhere to avoid the inevitable awkwardness that would immediately follow?

She tried to occupy herself with studying, but it didn’t take long before she threw in the towel. She simply couldn’t concentrate. Instead, she turned on her small television and tried to lose herself in mindless programming. It wasn’t entirely successful as a distraction from her worries, but it helped to take the edge off.

Finally, when she was starting to seriously contemplate if she should go track Barry down in class just so she could have an answer one way or another, she heard a knock on her bedroom door. Heart pounding in her chest, she stood to answer it. 

“Whatever happens next, it’ll be okay,” she reassured herself in a soft whisper. Then she moved to open the door.

Barry was standing on her threshold, hands braced on either side of the door. His head was bowed, so she couldn’t see his expression at first. As the door opened, he looked up and met her eyes, and she caught her breath. He was so handsome, standing there in simple jeans and a t-shirt. But the expression on his face was unreadable, not giving any indication of his decision.

Unable to wait the few seconds until he was inside the room, she opened her mouth to ask, but she couldn’t seem to form the words. So, instead, she looked at him with questioning eyes. Whatever he decided, she would be okay, she reminded herself. But what had he decided?

Barry’s eyes were uncertain as he stared down at her. Neither of them spoke. They barely moved. And then, his hands still braced on the door frame, he bent down and pressed his lips against hers. Their bodies didn’t touch, save for the kiss, which he held for one second. Two. Three. Then he pulled away, the corner of his mouth curved in an uncertain smile as he looked down at her with questioning eyes.

In answer, Iris held out her hand. When he placed his palm in hers, she gently pulled him into the room and pushed the door shut behind him. Then she wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him down to her. His kiss had been questioning, but hers was hungry. She tasted his surprise for only a moment, and then he parted his mouth under hers and swept his tongue against the curve of her lip. Without a word, the question had been asked and answered: _Are you sure? Yes._

His first kiss had been almost tentative, but this one quickly became ravenous. His hands slid up and down her sides, slipped under the hem of her shirt, curved over her hips. He pulled her hard against him and released her just as quickly, his hands eager to explore the rest of her body. Iris clawed at his shirt, yanking it off him impatiently. When their height different resulted in the shirt getting stuck on his head, they exchanged a breathless laugh before he tore it off and tossed it away. 

Her hands were back on him before the shirt even hit the ground. Trailing her fingers down his chest to his stomach, she leaned forward and pressed a kiss on his chest, just above his heart. She felt him tremble under her touch, and he pulled away just far enough to pull off her nightshirt in one smooth motion. He sucked in a sharp breath at the sight of her in nothing but a pair of black panties. When Iris reached for him, he rested his palms on her hips and went down on his knees in front of her.

Iris watched him with wide eyes as he wrapped one hand around her leg, the other pressed lightly on the small of her back. He pressed a trail of hot kisses on her navel, just above the line of her panties. The feel of his breath against her skin made her shiver, and she braced her hands on his shoulders. Barry locked eyes with her and didn’t look away as he slid her panties down her legs. When she’d stepped out of them, he tossed them away and then lifted one leg and hooked it over his shoulder. Her hand tightened on his shoulder, and he tightened his hand on her leg until she was sure she had her balance.

Then Barry kept his eyes on her when he leaned forward and pressed a kiss on the smooth curve of her stomach. Her inner thigh. And then between her legs, where she was spread open to him. She gasped at the feel of his tongue inside her folds, his caress exploratory as he teased her at first. But he soon found the rhythm and pressure that drove her wild, her hips bucking gently against him and her thighs tightening to hold him in place. Every time he found her clit and flicked it, she gasped, and she dug her fingers into his shoulders. Her eyes fluttered shut and she barely noticed when he tightened his arms around her to support her weight when she sagged against him.

For too many nights, she had imagined Barry beside her, on top of her, inside her. After so many frustrating evenings, she was impatient to have him inside of her now. With a soft moan, she tugged on his hair and stepped back, collapsing onto the bed. Barry grinned and followed, pausing only long enough to grab a condom out of his wallet. After stripping off the rest of his clothes, he rolled the condom onto his throbbing erection. Then he turned his attention back to her, trailing kisses up her knee to her thigh, across her stomach, and along the curve of her breast.

As he moved a hand between her legs, he brushed a kiss across her breast, making her suck in a sharp breath. He sucked her breast into his mouth, scraping her nipple with his teeth, and she arched against him. Barry took advantage of the moment and slid two fingers inside her, stroking in and out as his thumb circled her clit. She was already so wet and ready for him. Iris moaned loudly at his touch, her hands spearing into his hair. She spread her legs wider, pressing against his hand, and their mouths met in a searing kiss. Her tongue stroked his, mimicking the steady thrusts of his fingers.

She was so close to finishing, but she wanted him inside her when she came. Iris wrapped her hand around his cock, stroking his length as she guided him to her. He moaned into her mouth as she rubbed her thumb across the head of his penis, spreading his moisture across its tip, and then drove inside her. He would have paused to savor the moment when he was fully inside her, but she didn’t want to wait. Hooking her leg around his, she lifted her hips up against him, meeting his every thrust with her own. Wanting him to find the same pleasure he was giving her.  
Though he was pounding into her hard and fast, his expression was warm when he looked down at her. His hand caressed her cheek before wrapping around her neck and lifting her towards him. Their kisses before had been hot and hungry, but this one was tender. He kissed her like she was precious to him. Like he loved her. It was enough to send her over the edge.

Iris moaned into his mouth, her hands clutching him desperately, as waves of pleasure washed over her. But when she pulled away, she hooked one leg over his hip and widened herself for his thrusts. 

In this moment, with the glow still upon her, Iris could pretend that the look of tenderness he gave her could mean something more. That he returned her feelings. She knew well enough, however, that he didn’t, so she didn’t allow herself to say what she was thinking. But she could allow herself to feel it and, for this moment at least, lower the defenses she tried so hard to keep up every day. _I love you._ She embraced the thought as he thrust into her one more time, her hips lifting to meet his. _I love you._

Later, as she laid in his arms, she knew that Linda would chastise her for her behavior. She had allowed herself to pretend he might love her, if only for a moment. She had forgotten Patty existed. She was now cuddling with him, in direct violation of Linda’s warning. And, perhaps worse still, though she had known they should both be on the same page regarding the Rules before having sex, they had just done so without speaking a single word.

Well, there wasn’t much she could do about Linda’s rule not to actually sleep together after euphemistically sleeping together. He wouldn’t be able to return to his dorm for a couple of days, yet. But perhaps they should make sure they were on the same page regarding the rules of their new relationship, at least.

“Barry?” she asked, her voice soft and husky in the quiet room. “We should talk about what just happened.”

His hand stilled where it had been tracing small circles against the curve of her spine. “Oh? You don’t – you’re not sorry we did it, are you?”

“No!” she rushed to reassure him, hearing the concern in his voice. “Not at all!” She felt him relax beneath her. “But, you know, if we’re going to be friends with benefits, we should probably make sure we know what that means. Lay down some ground rules.”

“Ground rules?” he asked. Very slowly, he started tracing circles again. “Okay, like what?”

She bit her lip. “Well…I suppose the most important one is that we remember we’re friends first. Whatever happens, we have to promise each other that we’ll stay friends. When – when all this is over.”

She looked up in time to see his smile. “Nothing is going to change how I feel about you, Iris. I promise. Anything else?”

She almost said no. Then, remembering Patty, she winced, but she charged ahead. “I think…we should be careful about who we tell. About us, I mean.”

His hand stopped again, but his gaze was hooded as he looked down at her. “I’m not going to treat you like some dirty little secret,” he said flatly.

“That’s not what I meant! It’s just…” Unable to hold his gaze, she watched her hand as it started to trace patterns on her chest, mimicking his lazy movements before. “The more people know about us, the more awkward it’ll be when it’s over.”

His smile was tight. “Iris, given the number of people you live with, I’m pretty sure that cat’s out of the bag. I don’t know how to tell you this, but you moan kind of loudly when you’re having sex.”

She groaned. “I do not! Anyway, I’m not talking about them. But what about – your parents? Do you really want to explain this to them?”

Barry’s eyes narrowed. “Iris, what is this really about?”

Iris sighed and answered in a reluctant tone, “If Patty hears about us, it’s going to hurt her. I don’t want to do that to her. Not for something that’s not _real._ That won’t last.”

He wrapped his arm around her. “This is –” He broke off and grimaced. “You know what happened with her wasn’t your fault, right?”

“I know,” she lied. “But that doesn’t mean this wouldn’t hurt her.”

He sighed and tilted his head down to kiss her. “Anything else?” She paused and then shook her head. She didn’t think there was any way she could mention Linda’s other rules. Silence fell between them, but Barry broke it when he said softly, “I have something. Like you said, we’re friends. So…if you meet someone while we’re…together…we need to be honest with each other. Friends with benefits is complicated enough with just the two of us. If there’s a chance another person is going to be added to the mix, the other person deserves to know.”

He wouldn’t meet her eyes when she looked up at him. She had no concern that she might fall for someone else while she was with Barry, though her heart broke at the thought of him meeting someone new. Still, she supposed she would want to know if he did. If only to protect her fragile heart. 

“All right,” she agreed. “So, that’s it?”

“I guess.” He paused and then added, “Actually, there is one more thing.” His hand slid from her back to her hip. He squeezed her softly. “Did I hear you say this wasn’t real?” He slipped a hand between her thigh, stroking her gently. “Do I need to prove to you that it’s real enough?”

She sucked in a deep breath and stretched, rubbing her breasts against his chest. “Well…I may need a reminder,” she agreed. Throwing her leg across his hips, she lifted herself over him. He was hard against her thigh, and she repositioned herself to sink down upon him, taking him fully inside her. 

“Does this feel real enough?” he asked in a breathless voice as he bucked against her.

Iris moaned, rolling her hips against him. “I-I’m not sure,” she breathed.

He caressed her breast, rubbing her nipple with the pad of his thumb, and lifted his head to suck the other into his mouth. With his other hand, he cupped the curve of her ass, helping set the rhythm. The hand on her chest moved between her legs to rub her clit as she moved against him, causing her moans to increase in pitch. 

Throwing her head back, Iris rode him hard. When she climaxed with a loud moan, he grabbed her hips and kept up the rhythm, driving into her again and again as her muscles clenched around his cock. Then he pulled her down, sucked her lower lip into his mouth, and scraped it gently between his teeth as he came.

When she collapsed against his chest, he pushed her hair aside. She could hear his heart racing in his chest, and his deep chuckle before he asked, “So, I think you were saying earlier that you don’t moan loudly during sex…”

Iris groaned. “Okay, okay. So you proved me wrong about two things tonight. Don’t let it go to your head.” When he laughed, she poked him hard in the side. Content in his embrace, she curled up against him, her arm draped across his chest as she drifted off to sleep.

Surely Linda had been overreacting when she’d warned Iris that sleeping in Barry’s arms would blur the line between casual sex and a relationship. She could handle this. Couldn’t she?


	4. Chapter 4

The next morning, Iris awoke when she felt Barry shift under her, pulling his shoulder gently out from under her cheek. With a tiny murmur of protest, she stretched, her eyes fluttering open.

“Hey,” Barry murmured quietly when she looked over at him. He had pulled on a t-shirt and shorts and was rooting around on the floor for his shoes. When he saw her, however, he crawled over to the bed and laid a soft hand against her cheek. “I didn’t mean to wake you. I was going to run out and grab us some breakfast before your lecture.”

“It’s okay,” she reassured him in a sleepy voice, turning her head to brush a kiss against his palm. “You didn’t wake me.” 

He smiled, and her heart lurched at the way it caused the corners of his eyes to crinkle. “So, you hungry? Want some breakfast?”

Grabbing the front of his shirt, she pulled him towards the bed, ignoring the voice in the back of her mind that tried to remind her she was about to break another rule. “Starving. And…maybe in a minute,” she purred. Barry chuckled and pulled off his clothes as he climbed back into bed.

* * *

Barry had always been close with his parents. In fact, he usually called them on the phone at least once a week to let them know how things were going. So that morning, after Iris had left for class, he grabbed his phone and gave them a call.

After both his parents got on the line, they spoke for a while about his classes. One of his professors had announced she would be recruiting some students to work in her research lab over the summer, which sounded like a great opportunity. The competition was going to be fierce, but Barry hoped he would be one of the students chosen.

“I’m sure you will be,” Nora reassured him. “When is she going to announce the decision?”

“I don’t know. We have a pretty big project coming up in a couple weeks. I suspect she’ll probably wait to see how we do on it before she decides. So I’ll just have to knock it out of the park. Getting to work with her would be…it’s a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, you know?”

“It is. But I know how brilliant you are, and I’m sure your professor will see that, too.”

He sighed. He knew his mom was right, but that didn’t help relieve the pressure to prove himself. Or his stress. “I guess,” he agreed in an uncertain voice.

“So how are things with your girlfriend?” Henry asked in an attempt to change the subject.

Barry was distracted, thinking about how much could potentially ride on his upcoming project, and so he answered without thinking. “Iris Is great! She’s at a lecture right now, but we’re supposed to meet up for dinner later.”

He didn’t realize his mistake until his mom cut in. “ _Iris_ is great? You’re dating Iris now?”

“Oh, d-did I say Iris? No, she’s not my girlfriend. She’s…well, she’s a girl. And she’s my f-friend. But we’re not, um, d-dating or anything,” he stammered. “We’re just friends.”

He heard his mom chuckle, but his dad asked, “What happened with that girl you were dating? Patty, was it?”

Barry shrugged, though he knew they couldn’t see him. Then he sighed, ducking his head. He rubbed the back of his neck with one hand and answered, “Oh…we broke up. I just…I didn’t mean to hurt her, but I realized I wasn’t being very fair to her.”

“Because you’re in love with Iris?” his mom asked.

“What? I – no! I’m not – what do you mean, I’m in love with Iris?”

His dad chuckled. “Son, you have mentioned Iris at least once a week from the day the two of you met. It took you four months before we even heard Patty’s name.”

“Of course we know you cared about Patty, and I’m sure things didn’t work out with you two,” his mom began.

“But you don’t think we’ve seen how crazy you are about Iris?” his dad finished.

He grimaced. It seemed the only person who didn’t know his feelings for his best friend was the woman herself. Realizing he would never be able to convince them otherwise, he admitted, “I do love her, but…we’re just friends. We’re not…she isn’t my girlfriend.”

“But you want her to be?” his mom asked.

He sighed. “But I want her to be.”

As he tried to change the subject, it occurred to him that if his parents had seen through him this easily, it probably would be a bad idea for them to meet Iris at this point. It would undoubtedly make it even harder for him to hide his feelings for her, to pretend he didn’t want their relationship to be real. And then he would lose her completely.

* * *

Though she knew the dangers of ignoring the rules, Iris found herself breaking more than one of them over the next few days. Even after Barry’s dorm was reopened, they spent almost every night together. She grew accustomed to waking up in his arms. They would often eat breakfast together before heading off to class, and they would grab dinner as they studied together in the evening. It was a familiar, comforting pattern, but even as Iris recognized the danger, she didn’t care.

It got to the point that Barry no longer even bothered to knock when he came back to her room. One night after class, he found her standing by her desk, a cooled pan of brownies on the table in front of her and a bowl of chocolate icing in the crook of one arm. 

“What’s this?” he asked, dropping his bag in its usual place by the door and stepping up behind her. Wrapping his arm around her waist, he tucked his chin against her shoulder as he contemplated her culinary achievement. 

“I wanted brownies,” she explained, grabbing swirling a spatula covered with icing over the top of the baked goods in question. “You want some?”

“Mmm…maybe,” he agreed, dipping his finger into the bowl of icing. 

Iris started to pull the bowl away. “Hey, what are you –?” But her indignation dwindled when he swiped the icing along the curve of her neck, his mouth quickly following the trail his finger had made. She shivered at the touch of his tongue as he licked the icing off her neck, and her breath came out in a soft moan when he scraped her skin with his teeth before biting down gently.

“O-oh,” she breathed, her head falling back to allow him greater access. “Um, any good?”

His breath was hot against her skin. “I’m not sure. I think I need to try some more.” Turning her in his arms, he lifted her to perch on the edge of the desk. Taking the bowl gently from her, he placed it to the side before tearing off her nightshirt and stepping between her legs. 

“Now, let me see,” he murmured. Dipping his finger into the chocolate icing, he traced it along the top curve of her breasts. Pushing her back gently, he bent and followed the path of his finger with his tongue. Sucking gently, he licked the icing off her breasts before his mouth trailed down to suck her nipple in between her teeth. 

Iris moaned, arching up against him. Swiping her finger in the bowl of icing, she slid it under the curve of her breast. She chuckled when he growled and sunk almost to his knees so he could kiss the chocolate icing off her soft flesh. “More,” he breathed, sucking gently on the skin over her ribcage.

She swiped a path across her stomach. Down the inside of one thigh. In the soft spot behind one knee. The inner curve of her arm. The line of her jaw. Across the tips of her breasts. And everywhere she left icing on her skin, his mouth would follow.

There was icing on his hands when he thrust his fingers into her hair, tilting her head to the perfect angle for his kiss. “Barry,” she moaned, spreading herself even wider. “Please.”

He was inside her before she’d even finished saying the word. He filled her with one hard thrust, his fingers digging into the curve of her ass as he lifted her hips off the desk. 

“Yes,” she breathed. Resting her weight on her elbows, she wrapped her legs around him and met his every stroke. Thrusting her hand into the icing, she swiped it across her chest. Her laugh was breathless and broke off with a moan when Barry growled in response and bowed his head to lick it off. He sucked her nipple into his mouth, flicking the tip with his tongue, and she arched even harder against him.

Barry’s hands caressed her body as he continued to thrust into her. She came hard, sinking her teeth into his shoulder as her body shuddered in his embrace. When Barry came a moment later, it was with her name on his lips.

* * *

_“I dreamt about you last night.”_ The text came in while Barry was working on his Advanced Calculus homework at the library. When he read the words, his pencil skipped across the paper before slipping from his hand and skittered out of reach.

_“What? Where are you?”_

_“I was standing in my bathroom, wearing that backless red dress I wore to Linda’s end of year bash last year. Remember?”_

He swallowed. He remembered. He hadn’t known it was backless until he’d rested a hand on the small of her back to escort her into the room. The feel of her bare skin had been such a surprise that he had tripped over his feet and run straight into the doorjam. He’d had to lie and tell Patty that his ankle had twisted to keep everyone from guessing the truth.

_“I remember,”_ was all he replied.

_“I leaned over the sink to apply some red lipstick, and you came up behind me. You leaned down and started pressing hot kisses along my back. When you put your hands on my hips and pulled me against you, I could feel that you were already hard.”_

Barry’s breath was raspy and uneven, and he whispered a soft curse under his breath as he read her text.

_“I’m not interrupting anything, am I?”_

_“No. This is fine. Where are you?”_ Belatedly, it occurred to him to look around the room and ensure he wasn’t being observed, but nobody seemed to be paying him any attention.

_“Not knowing is half the fun. Anyway, I was so turned on, I wanted to fee you. So I unzipped your pants and pulled you out. You were so hard, and I was already so wet. I wanted you inside me, but you were giving me such a sexy grin. Like you knew what I wanted. So I decided to teach you a lesson.”_

Shifting in his chair, Barry typed, _“So what did you do?”_

_“I got down on my knees and I sucked you into my mouth, running my tongue around the head of your cock.”_ The text made him jump slightly, knocking his knee against the table leg with a loud bang. Several people turned to see the cause of the commotion, and he had to wait until they had turned away again before he could continue.

_“I took you all the way into my mouth and started pumping the bottom of your erection with one hand as I sucked you off. When I had swallowed as much of you as I could, I pressed my lips against your shaft. For the rest of the day, I wanted you to remember what it felt like to have you in my mouth. You had your hands in my hair, guiding me up and down your shaft. But I guess you got impatient.”_

His hands were shaking so hard that he could barely type. _“Oh?”_

_“You pulled me to my feet and spun me around until I was facing the sink. You tore off my little lace panties like they were paper and entered me from behind. You didn’t even say anything as you started fucking me, but it felt so good. Your cock filled me completely. We just kept staring at our reflection in the mirror as you thrust into me. Hard and fast. Then you slipped your fingers into my pussy and started rubbing my clit. I couldn’t take my eyes off you as I came.”_

Barry let out a soft moan. This time, he didn’t even care if he’d drawn attention to himself. _“WHERE ARE YOU?”_

Though it was probably only ten seconds, the wait until the next text felt like an eternity. _“Encyclopedias. Come fuck me, Barry.”_

He shot to his feet. Abandoning his books and papers without a second thought, he strode purposefully to the elevator bay. Mercifully, one stood open, so he stepped in and hit the button for the eleventh floor. The ride was interminable. Finally, the elevator stopped and the doors slid open. He all but ran off, heading for the encyclopedias.

A hand shot out, grabbing him by the arm and yanking him into the stocks. Without a word, he cupped her face in his hands and drew her in for a searing kiss. As he kissed her, he led her deeper into the stacks. Iris fumbled for a moment with the zipper of his jeans until she managed to pull him out.

Swallowing a moan, he caressed her breasts through the thin fabric of her sundress as she ran her fingers down his shaft. She lifted a leg to brace her foot against a shelf, but the angle was all wrong. Unable to stand it anymore, Barry turned, pushing her back against the bookshelves. Before she could torture him any further, he grabbed her hand and guided it to the shelf above her head. Then, with one last kiss, he swept his hands down her sides to her hips and lifted her.

Iris stretched out one leg so she could brace one foot against the bookcase across the aisle. The other, she wrapped around his waist.

Barry’s gaze locked on hers. His eyes dared her to look away as he shoved her panties aside and slid inside her. Her soft gasps as he thrust hard inside her was the most erotic thing he’d ever heard.

With his cock deep inside her, he froze. He wanted to memorize this moment – the way she looked, all flushed and aroused. Her lower lip was still moist from his kiss. His most erotic dreams couldn’t compare to how it felt to be inside her. 

“Don’t look away,” he growled softly. She shook her head in unspoken promise. This, his fingers digging into her hips, he slid out of her slowly. She gasped and tightened her leg around his waist when he thrust into her once again. 

Iris rolled her hips against him her eyes taunting. Her breathy chuckle became a moan when he adjusted his hold on her hips, opening her wider as he pounded into her, hard and fast. There was nothing soft and gentle about the way they moved against each other. But his kiss was tender when he pressed his mouth against hers to swallow her moan when she came.

Iris’s hand against his cheek was tender when her moans faded into a soft kiss. Her thighs were still trembling around him as he pressed against her, and she slid her hand into his hair. Her touch was gentle until she fisted her hand into his hair and tugged, pulling him away.

“I want to watch you come.” His breath hissed between his teeth as she rolled her hips against him. “Come for me, Barry.”

He growled, pounding into her again. She let out a low moan and matched his pace. “That’s it, baby. Watch me.” He shuddered, thrusting into her one more time, and she pressed her fingers against his mouth to muffle his moan. Iris didn’t look away as he came, her smile triumphant.

Resting his forehead against hers, Barry struggled to control his breathing as he put her gently back on her feet. “That was…what was that all about?”

Iris threw him a cheeky grin as she twitched her clothes back in place. “Just thought you could use a study break. Don’t work too hard, okay?” She pressed a quick kiss against his lips before scooting past him and heading towards the elevator. As she stepped onboard and pressed the button for the ground floor, she called out to him. “See you later, handsome!”

It took him a couple of minutes to get himself back in order, and then he leaned back against the shelves with a heavy sigh. That woman was going to be the death of him.

* * *

Although she had broken several rules already over the past few weeks, Iris told herself she would not blur any further lines in their friends with benefits relationship. However, things grew more complicated one evening when the two were watching a movie together in Barry’s dorm room. She was leaning back on his bed, her back propped against her wall, while he sat on the floor between her legs. She had just yawned and was about to suggest the two turn in when he spoke.

“Oh, hey. In a couple weeks, my professor is having a party at her house for all the students selected to assist in her research this summer. Want to go?”

Iris chose her words carefully. “I don’t know if that’s a good idea. Doesn’t that seem a little…you know…” Her voice trailed off, as she was afraid anything she might say would give her away. As many rules as they had already broken, it was hard enough sometimes to remember that he didn’t love her. That theirs wasn’t that kind of relationship. Going with him on a date of sorts would only make things worse. 

He raised his eyebrows at her and rested his cheek against her inner thigh. “But…we’re friends, right? I would have asked you to go with me before. Why shouldn’t we go together now just because we decided to, uh…” In the dim light of the television screen, she saw him blush. It was strangely endearing that he was still shy about saying the words.

“Add a few extra benefits?” she teased lightly. When he put it like that, it did seem rather silly. How many parties had she dragged him before, without once fooling herself into thinking she was his girlfriend? Surely it would be silly for her to avoid doing do now just because the evening would end with the two of them in bed together.

She ignored the voice of reason - which sounded distinctly like Linda’s - that tried to point out that it would be different this time _because_ of the sex. That voice had tried several times already to talk some sense into her, and it had eventually given her up as a lost cause.

“Come on. Are you really going to make me beg?” Barry asked. His puppy dog eyes melted into a wicked grin when the warm caress of his breath against the soft skin of her inner thigh made her tremble.

Iris’s laugh was breathy, and she couldn’t take her eyes off him as he slowly slid his hands to her waist. “No-o-o. Of course not,” she managed weakly. Hooking his thumbs under the line of her panties, he dragged them torturously down her legs. “Wh-what are you doing?”

“Making you beg instead.”

He rose onto his knees and pressed a kiss on her inner thigh. She rested a hand on his shoulder as he massaged her legs, gently pushing her knees wide apart. “Ready to beg?” he asked with a wicked grin. Before she could answer, he ducked his head.

Iris’s hand tightened on his shoulder when his tongue parted her lips, slipping between her folds. He stroked her slowly and deliberately, his tongue teasing her by sweeping close to her clit before moving away again. She twisted, trying to move her clit into his path, but he just chuckled and continued to tease her.

Pressing his hands into her hips, he held her down as he teased her. When she was just about to lose her patience, however, he flicked his tongue against her clit, making her moan. He flicked it again before sucking it into his mouth and pressing his tongue hard against the sensitive nub. Iris tried to buck up against him, but he continued to hold her in place.

Her pleasure building, Iris made soft whimpering sounds in the back of her throat. She was so close to coming, but before she could, he moved his mouth away again. The strokes of his tongue became slow and soothing, which did little to assuage her need. “Barry…damn it, Barry,” she groaned, frustrated by his teasing.

Pulling away, Barry grinned up at her. “You haven’t begged yet,” he reminded her, slipping one hand between her thighs. He thrust one finger inside of her, stroking her deep and slow. Iris moaned and tried to increase the pace, but he still held her hips in place.

“Barry…” She sat up and reached for him, trying to draw him up to her. However, he avoided her desperate grab. Lifting her gently, he scooted behind her on the bed, pulling her between his spread legs. She could feel the bulge of his erection against the curve of her ass as he pulled her tightly against him.

“I’ve got you, Iris. I’ve got you,” he breathed into her ear, nibbling on the soft lobe as he returned to his previous ministrations. This time, he slid two fingers into her, his thumb grazing her clit as he moved his fingers in and out with deep, deliberate strokes. He slipped his other hand under her shirt and teased the sensitive skin of her breasts.

“You want more?” he asked. Breathing hard, she could barely manage a nod. When she bucked desperately in his arms, trying to increase the speed of his fingers, he wrapped his legs over hers, pinning them down with her legs spread wide.

“I…Barry…Yes. More,” she finally managed to gasp. She could feel his soft moan against her back when he slipped a third finger inside her. His thumb increased its pace, stroking her clit faster as he thrust his fingers in and out of her tight hole. She was so wet, desperate to have him inside of her.

He was merciless in his teasing. He would bring her almost to the peak, and then his fingers would slow. His touch would become more gentle, soothing instead of teasing. Then, he would take her to the edge once more.

Finally, she gave him what he wanted. “Please, Barry. Please. I need you. Please.”

“You’ll go to the party with me?”

Iris dug her fingers into his thighs. “Yes…yes…now please...”

With a satisfied laugh, Barry released her. She felt him fumble behind her to free his erection from his pants. Then he lifted her hips and guided her down onto him. As she took him deep inside her, he cupped her breasts from behind. He let her set the pace, caressing her body as she rode him.

His breath was hot against the back of her neck as he wrapped his arms around her, holding her tight as she came. Her entire body shuddered in his embrace, lost in the feel of his touch and the voice in her ear, whispering, “That’s it, sweetheart. I’ve got you. I won’t let you go.”

* * *

A knock on the bedroom door woke her up the next morning. Iris yawned and sat up, looking around for Barry. He was nowhere to be seen, so she grabbed the button-down shirt he’d discarded the night before and slipped it on. It came down to her thighs, so she buttoned it quickly as she moved to answer the door.

“Hey, Bear. Forget your keys?” she asked as she threw it open. However, when she saw the older couple on the other side, she drew back. Of course, she recognized them immediately from the picture Barry kept on his bookshelf. Still, her mind flatly refused to process the implications of the situation for the moment. If Iris wanted to avoid complication in her relationship with Barry, having his parents find her in his dorm room wearing nothing but his shirt was probably not the best way to go.

“Oh…uh…s-sorry. I thought you were Barry…obviously. Um…he’s-he’s not here right now?” She had meant it at a statement, but it definitely came out as a question. “I-I’m not sure where he is, actually,” she stammered.

The couple looked a little surprised to see her – or at least the state she was in. However, Barry’s father recovered quickly. “Oh, no, we should be the ones to apologize. We should have called first, but we were in town and we thought we’d come by to surprise Barry. We should probably introduce ourselves. I’m Henry, and this is Nora.”

Barry’s mom stepped forward and wrapped her in a brief hug. “And of course we know who you are! Barry talks about you all the time! No wonder, since I’m sure you know he’s crazy about you. It’s so nice to finally meet you!”

Iris gulped and stepped back, clutching the front of Barry’s shirt though it was securely buttoned. Now she really wished she’d taken the time to put on more proper clothes. It was clear that they were confused and thought she was his girlfriend, Patty. Had he really not told them of the breakup? But perhaps he was reluctant to do so, holding out hope that they would eventually get back together.

“Oh, no. I’m not…that is…I’m sorry. I think you must be confused. I’m not Patty. I’m – I’m Iris. Barry’s friend.” Realizing that she looked a hell of a lot more than that, standing in nothing more than his shirt, she flushed. “Um, you guys should come in. I’ll – I’m sure he’ll be right back.”

She stepped back so they could make their way into the room, missing the look that they exchanged between them. “I should probably…um…get dressed,” she murmured. Scrambling to grab some clothes off the floor, she scooted towards the door. Before she could make a break for it, however, the door swung open again. Barry swept in carrying a white paper bag from a nearby bakery.

“Hey! I thought you might be hungry after last night, so I got us some – oh. Mom! Dad! You’re here!” he took a step back in surprise, then rushed forward to give them both a hug. “I didn’t know you guys were coming by!”

“We were in town,” Henry said, sweeping his son into a giant hug. “Sorry we didn’t call ahead. We should have let you know we were coming.”

“No, it’s okay,” Barry reassured him quickly, taking a step back. “Iris and I were just – oh.” In that moment, he seemed to have processed her state of undress. They exchanged wide-eyed, desperate looks, and then he stammered, “Uh, she was…uh…there was a party. And she crashed here. Last night. I slept on the fl–”

“We’re dating,” she blurted, cutting him off. As much as she appreciated the effort, there was no way his parents were going to believe there was a platonic reason for her to be in his room. “It’s – uh – it’s pretty recent. I’m sure he didn’t get a chance to tell you yet.”

“We are? I didn’t?” Barry asked, looking at her in confusion. Then the penny dropped. “Oh, right! We are! I did!” Spinning back to his parents, he rushed to confirm, “We’re, um, we’re totally dating.”

Iris forced a smile. “Which means I should go put on some pants. Um. Be right back.” Before she could dig herself even further into a hole, she grabbed her clothes and darted to the bathroom.

If Linda had been worried about potential blurred lines from simply meeting his parents, this was going to give her a stroke. How was Iris going to dig her way out of this one? And, more importantly, how was she going to keep her true feelings hidden now that she was going to have to put them on display and pretend it was all an act?


	5. Chapter 5

Once Iris had escaped to the bathroom, Nora turned to her son. “Oh, Barry. She’s gorgeous! You didn’t tell us the two of you were dating! When did this happen?”

His smile was pained and he ran a hand through his hair. “Oh, um, you know. Pretty recently, actually. I mean, really recently. I haven’t really had a chance to talk to you since, um, since it happened.” Heck, he was still reeling from Iris’s abrupt about-face. He understood why she’d done it, but he wasn’t entirely sure yet how he was going to play along without giving himself away.

“Well, I can’t wait to get to know her,” Nora replied happily, slinging her arm around her husband’s waist. “Of course, we’ve known you were crazy about her for ages. But any girl who puts that smile on your face that I saw when you came in this morning has our seal of approval. Not that you were asking for it, of course.”

His mind working fast, he blurted, “Oh, um, actually. Um, could you – could you not mention my crush to her? I-I mean, um, she actually just got out of a relationship. And, well, so did I. Not that long ago. I think she’s still trying to be a little cautious. Emotionally. I told her we could take things slow, and I just don’t want her to feel like I’m pushing her for more than she’s ready for.”

Nora’s eyebrows lifted, her head tilting a little to the side, but she replied in a gentle tone, “Of course, dear. If that’s what you want.”

Barry breathed out a heavy sigh of relief. “Okay. Great.” If he knew Iris, she was concerned about this new complication in their friends with benefits arrangement. The last thing he needed was his parents mentioning the fact he was desperately in love with her and freaking her out completely. 

He heard the door open behind him as Iris returned to the room and asked in a desperate attempt to redirect the conversation, “So, what are you guys doing in town? Not that I’m not thrilled to see you both, of course.”

Nora’s smile slipped, and she threw her husband a stern look. “I think I’ll let your father explain that, actually.”

“Is everything okay?” Barry asked in mild concern.

Henry’s grin was sheepish. “It’s fine. Your mom just thinks this is a bigger deal than I do.” At his wife’s implacable stare, he raised his hands in surrender. “Okay, okay. I’m being presented with an award tonight for some work I’ve been doing. It’s not that big of a deal.”

“It’s a _very_ big deal,” Nora corrected him, throwing Iris and Barry and exasperated look. “It’s a very prestigious award! You should be very proud of your work!”

Barry’s dad shook his head. “I am very proud, of course!” he protested weakly. “I just don’t think I need to get dressed up in a monkey suit so I can stand in front of a room full of people, give some boring speech, and let them pat me on the back as they hand me an award that doesn’t really mean anything. That’s not why I do the work I do.”

Nora walked up to her husband and wrapped her arms around his neck. “I know that’s not why you do it, but that doesn’t mean this ceremony is a waste of time. Don’t think about it as people patting you on the back. Think about it as a chance to get some more exposure on a cause that needs it. Isn’t that important?”

Henry chuckled, brushing a quick kiss across his wife’s lips. “I suppose,” he agreed softly.

“And, besides. You know what seeing you in a monkey suit does to me,” she murmured.

“Oh, wow. Do you guys – do you guys want us to leave? Because we can leave,” Barry broke in, his voice teasing. He grabbed Iris’s hand and scooted them both towards the door, while Iris hid a chuckle behind her hand.

Henry and Nora laughed, though they blushed a little as they broke apart. “Anyway, since your mother assures me that I have to go to this thing, we stopped by to see if you wanted to come too. You can’t make me do this alone.”

Barry nodded happily. “Of course, dad! I wouldn’t miss it!”

“You too, Iris? I would be thrilled for you to join us.”

“Oh,” she began, throwing Barry a desperate look. “Thanks anyway, Doctor Allen, but you guys don’t get to see each other very often. I would hate to intrude and –”

“Nonsense!” he interjected. “It’s far from an intrusion. Anyway, Barry hates these things as much as I do, so I’m sure he would love to have you there. Wouldn’t you, son?”

Barry smiled at her, hoping she wouldn’t see his heart in his eyes. There was nothing that would make him happier in truth than spending an evening with the people he loved the most. And if it meant he got to hold her in his arms and pretend she felt the same way about him for a few hours? How could he resist? “Of course I’d love to have you there, Iris. If you’ll go with me.”

When Iris bit her lip in indecision, Nora cut in, “And what Henry isn’t saying is that Barry and I have already heard all his best jokes. He’s desperate to have someone at the table who might actually find him funny.”

Henry whirled on her in mock offense, “Hey! I’m funny!”

His wife ignored him, though she slung an arm around his waist. “In all seriousness, we would love to have you there tonight. Say you’ll join us?”

Barry’s stomach twisted as he waited for Iris to respond. His heart leapt when she finally replied softly, “Of course. I’d be happy to join you.” Forgetting his parents for a moment, he bent down and gave her a soft kiss. Of course, he knew it wouldn’t be easy, keeping this secret from his parents for an entire evening. But it was worth it, if it meant he could stop trying so hard to hide his real feelings. If only for one night.

* * *

Although Henry and Nora invited her to join them for breakfast, Iris cried off, claiming she had a prior engagement. Of course, since she’d agreed to accompany them to this event tonight – where she would have to continue to pretend she was dating their son – this momentary respite wouldn’t last long.

After promising Barry she would see him that evening, she left his dorm and practically raced straight over to Linda’s. If ever she had needed her friend’s help, it was now.

It didn’t even occur to her that Linda might not be at home, as she ran up the four flights of stairs to her floor and pounded desperately on the door. “Please answer. _Please_ answer,” she muttered under her breath as she knocked. 

It took more than a minute before Linda threw open the door. “All right, all right! Can’t a girl get some sleep around here? What’s the emergen – Iris? Are you okay?” Her hair was still mussed, her eyelids heavy, as Iris had clearly dragged her out of bed. “You look like hell. Get in here!”

Linda dragged her into the room, and Iris began to pace. “I’m okay,” she reassured her friend, seeing the worry in her eyes. “I am. I just…you’ve got to help me. I don’t know what I’m going to do.”

Her friend seemed slightly reassured, though the worry didn’t go away as she crossed to the bed and plopped down on her mattress. Dragging a pillow into her lap, she prompted, “Of course I’m here for you. Now start from the beginning. What’s going on?”

Wringing her hands, Iris wore holes in the carpet, racing back and forth. “Okay. Well. You know how I swore that I had completely adhered to all of your rules in this friend with benefits thing I have going on with Barry? I may have – um – I may not have told you a couple of things. It’s entirely possible I bent a rule or two.”

Linda’s shoulders sagged in relief. “Oh, god. So you’re freaking out over that? I’m not going to pretend that’s great, but I’m sure it’s nothing we can’t handle. Okay, so let me guess. You’ve slept over at each other’s places once or twice?”

Iris nodded, not meeting her friend’s eyes. “Well, or…or five or six times.” After giving her friend a beat to process that revelation, she added, “Um…a week. Five or six times a week.” She heard Linda suck in a deep breath, so she rushed to confess the rest before she could chicken out. “Oh, and we’ve gotten breakfast together pretty much every time. And – and we cuddle. A lot.”

Linda’s jaw had dropped. “Is that it?” she asked in amazement.

“Yes. Well, no. We hang out together a lot outside of breakfast. And – and I just met his parents.”

Her friend jumped to her feet. “Jesus, Iris! You didn’t just bend the rules a little! You took the rules, and you put them on a space shuttle. You then took that space shuttle? Strapped a nuclear bomb on it, and then launched it into orbit.”

“Well, I –”

Linda wasn’t listening. “You then hit the nuclear bomb with _another_ nuclear bomb. And then, when all the ashes from that explosion fell from the stratosphere? You swept them up into a huge pile and you _lit them all on fire_!”

Iris moved to the bed her friend had vacated and flopped down on it. Her head bowed, she admitted, “It gets worse. When I met them, it was pretty clear that they hadn’t just caught us studying, so I – I told them we were dating. And now they’re taking me to a formal dinner tonight, where his dad is going to be presented an award. Where Barry is going to have to pretend we’re dating and that he’s crazy about me. But I don’t want it to just be for pretend.”

Her friend’s eyes were wide when she flopped down next to her. “Iris. This is a total shitshow.”

“I know,” she agreed on a groan, collapsing onto her back. “Oh god. What am I going to do?”

Laying down next to her, Linda suggested, “My advice? Wear the black dress.”

Iris smacked her with a pillow. “That’s not what I mean and you know it!” she protested on a weak laugh. “Seriously, what do I do?”

Her friend sighed. “Maybe you should break it off with him.”

“You mean like we stage a breakup tonight? I don’t know. That seems…”

“No,” Linda interrupted her. “I mean you go over there right now and tell him it’s over.”

Iris shot back into a seated position. “What? No! That’s ridiculous!”

Before she could protest further, Linda sat up and interjected, “Okay, then. You tell him how you feel and deal with whatever happens from there.” When Iris looked at her in wounded betrayal, she continued, “You don’t have a lot of options here, girl. One way or another, you’re going to have to decide what it’s going to be. Because I don’t know what it is you’re doing with Barry, but it sure as hell isn’t friends with benefits. And it’s not dating, either, since you can’t date someone who doesn’t know they’re dating you back.

“So you want my advice? Decide what it is you want tonight, and figure out what you’re going to do about it. Because if what you want from Barry is to be friends, then I hate to tell you this, sweetie, but that ship has probably sailed. I don’t know what the hell the two of you are, but it isn’t _just friends_. Maybe you never will be again, but if that’s what you want, you need to get out now. On the other hand, if you want more, you’re going to have to risk whatever it is the two of you are doing to get it.”

She jumped to her feet, shaking her head. Deep down, she was afraid Linda had a point, but it wasn’t really something she wanted to think about right now. Surely she could find some sort of third option, some way to get her through the evening without risking losing Barry – or whatever it was they had between them – completely. She just had to find it.

“I should go,” she said, rushing towards the door. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you up. I just – I need to think. Clear my head a little. Go back to bed, and I’ll talk to you later, okay?”

As the door shut behind her, she heard Linda yell, “I wasn’t joking about the black dress!”

* * *

Later that evening, Iris reminded herself to breathe as she climbed the stairs to Barry’s floor. Even as she tried to project an air of calm, her hands betrayed her, fiddling with her hair, the pendant laying between her breasts, the skirt of the black dress she wore.

She’d spent the afternoon telling herself she could get through one evening of make believe. But now that the evening was hand and she was all dressed up and ready to go, she couldn’t help but wonder deep down if Linda wasn’t right. Maybe it was time to tell Barry how she felt. She wasn’t fooling herself into thinking that he was in love with her, but she knew he cared about her, at least. Maybe his feelings could grow into more, given time.

Her footsteps slowed as she neared his door and she mentally prepared all the ways she could confess her feelings. How do you confess to someone that you love them while lying that it’s okay if they don’t love you back?

When she got to Barry’s door, she saw that it was cracked and heard his voice inside. Something about his tone caught her attention, though she couldn’t say quite what that was. Shifting her weight back and forth, she crept forward, not wanting to interrupt anything private. When she poked her head inside, she saw that Barry was on the phone. However, since he stood with his back to the door, he didn’t realize she was there.

“No, I don’t –” He paused. “I’m not trying to start a fight.” Realizing what she was interrupting, Iris took a step back, but she froze when she heard her name. “I’ve told you before to leave Iris out of this. No. I’m not going to talk about her with you.” 

He sighed. “Patty, I’m sorry. I wasn’t – nothing has changed.” When he stopped and listened to something she said, Iris stepped around the corner, pressing her back to the wall. She knew she shouldn’t eavesdrop, but she couldn’t help herself. “I can’t tonight. My parents are in town and I –” Iris heard his footsteps as he started to pace. “Do you want me to leave them with someone else? You can come by and – no, I understand. Maybe tomorrow afternoon? I’m not sure what time. I’ll give you a call after my parents head out.” He was quiet for several seconds, and then he said, “Yeah. Yeah, of course. Okay. Talk to you tomorrow. Bye.”

Iris waited a few seconds, then she rounded the corner and breezed through Barry’s doorway as if she had just arrived. Dressed in a white dress shirt and black pants, he was standing in the middle of the room, staring at his phone with an unreadable expression on his face. “Hey!” she greeted him brightly as she closed the door behind her. “Almost ready to go?”

His smile was tight as he looked up at her. “Yeah, sorry. I just – I got distracted.”

Stepping close to him, Iris grabbed the strip of black fabric off the back of his chair and slung it around his neck. “I, uh, I heard you on the phone with Patty,” she admitted softly. “Everything okay?”

Barry touched the back of her hand. “Yeah. I found some old stuff of hers that she’s been looking for. It’s okay. It’s just…the business of breaking up, I guess. Trading stuff in boxes and reliving all of your mistakes.” Though he said it lightly, she wasn’t fooled that he was unaffected by the conversation with his ex.

Her hand stilling against his chest, she said, “I’m sorry. I know it’s probably weird, talking about this with me. But I’m here for you, you know. If you ever need to talk.”

Though the smile he flashed was brief, it was genuine. “I know.” Clearly choosing his words carefully, he continued slowly, “It’s not that I’m having second thoughts. It’s just…I should have been honest with her a lot sooner.” 

Reminded of her own lack of honesty, Iris turned her attention to putting his bowtie in order. “Well, that isn’t always easy. Especially when the truth could hurt someone you love.” Straightening his tie, she added, “Or mean you lose them completely.”

She should tell him how she felt. She wanted to. But somehow she couldn’t lift her gaze above his bowtie, and all those lines she’d practiced in her mind on the way over had flown out of her head. So instead of telling him she loved him, she said, “I suppose it’s ironic, to be talking about honesty on tonight of all nights.” She could have kicked herself as soon as the words left her mouth.

Though he had started to reach for her, his hands fell to his sides before he could make contact. “I’m sorry, by the way. I didn’t mean to put you in such an awkward position.”

“It’s all right,” she murmured, stepping back to eye her handiwork. “It was my own doing. I just didn’t think we could sell your parents on the idea that you spent the night chastely on the floor. At the time, this seemed the less awkward option.” 

He chuckled. “That’s because you’ve never been on the receiving end of one my mom’s interrogations.” 

His joke got a laugh out of her. “Oh, dear. I’m really not very good at this friends with benefits thing, am I?” This was it. She should tell him how she felt. Just open her mouth and say the words. How bad could it be?

“Oh, I don’t know,” he murmured, reaching out to caress her cheek. “You seem pretty good at it to me. You look amazing tonight, by the way. I should have told you that sooner.”

Blushing, Iris watched as he shrugged into his tuxedo jacket. “You look pretty good yourself,” she admitted. Before she could dwell on what seeing Barry Allen in a tuxedo did to her heartrate, there was a knock on the door. It seemed his parents had arrived.

He turned to answer, but before he could, Iris grabbed his hand. “Wait!” she cried, pulling him towards her and stretching on her toes for a kiss. Scared it would be the last time she would ever do so. “I just…I wanted to…I love you, Barry,” she blurted, her heart pounding, as she pulled away. It wasn’t poetry, but it was the best she could do. All the eloquence she had imagined she would have in this moment had completely abandoned her.

He went absolutely still, his eyes wide. “Wh-what?” he breathed. “You love me?” She couldn’t read the expression on his face. He didn’t look happy. Or sad, for that matter. He just looked astonished. It was only for a second, but it was long enough for Iris to lose her nerve.

“I mean, tonight. In front of your parents. Just…remember that I love you.” The words spilled over each other, and she sent up a silent prayer that he would believe them.

He looked away from her and blew out a deep breath. In relief? She could only wonder. “Oh. Right. And I…love you.” There was another knock on the door, but he pulled her in and gave her a kiss so tender that it almost brought tears to her eyes. “I love you, Iris.”

When he released her to answer the door, Iris felt like he’d taken all the oxygen in the room with him. Hearing him lie to her with words she’d always longed for him to say was even more painful than she’d expected. She hated herself for her cowardice, but perhaps it had been for the best. Barry had hardly looked like a man about to confess his undying love to her. Not that she’d really expected him to, of course, but a part of her had hoped.

Sucking in a steadying breath, Iris squared her shoulders and pasted a wide smile on her face. No, she wasn’t a coward, she decided. It had been stupid of her to court disaster as she had. Tonight the two of them would play a part, and tomorrow, everything would go back to the way it had been.

And regardless of what Linda had said, that would surely be enough.

* * *

 _“I love you, Barry.”_ The moment played in a continuous loop through Barry’s mind. Over and over, he replayed that moment that he’d almost believed that his greatest wish had come true. He could hardly believe it, at first. He’d imagined Iris saying those words to him so many times that wondered at first if it was just a dream. 

In retrospect, he was glad it had taken his mind a moment to catch up. If it hadn’t, it didn’t even bear thinking about how much he would have humiliated himself. And probably ruined everything. 

Not that knowing it was an act stopped him from feeling like it was real. Not that he was trying too hard to remind himself otherwise. It’s easy to believe in a lie if you want to believe it’s the truth.

Iris took his hand as they accompanied his parents to the event. Just outside the door, they stopped so Nora could straighten Henry’s tie. “I look ridiculous,” he said sheepishly.

“You look just as handsome as the day we got married,” she corrected him, leaning forward to steal his lips in a kiss. “I’m so proud of you, honey.”

“I couldn’t have done any of this without you.” 

Iris grabbed Barry’s hand and gave it a slight tug, pulling him aside. “Is it always like that with them?” she asked in an undertone.

Noting her slight blush, he chuckled. “You mean, like we’re intruding on a private moment?” Shooting a look at his parents over his shoulder, he replied, “All the time.”

“They’re…wonderful, you know? I can see what you meant when you talked about how they’re so in love with each other.” Clearing her throat softly, she added, “That kind of love is rare, I think, but I hope you find it someday.”

He smiled down at her. “You, too, Iris. You deserve to be loved like that.”

“Hey, lovebirds, you coming?” Henry’s voice interrupted the moment, and Barry looked over at his parents to find them both watching him, their smiles wide. 

“Of course, Dr. Allen,” Iris replied, as Barry wrapped his arm around her waist, resting his hand on her lower back.

His dad shook his head. “Henry, please.” 

Iris smiled. “All right. Henry it is,” she agreed.

As they entered the room, Barry watched as his parents were surrounded by those wanting to offer their congratulations. Though he father had complained about the pomp and circumstance of it all, he was clearly touched at the reception he received. Nora was by his side the entire time, charming his colleagues and radiating such pride, happiness, and love that she seemed to light up the room. And when he accepted his award and gave a short speech after, he might have been addressing the whole room, but he only had eyes for her.

But while Barry was of course proud of his father and touched as always to see the love his parents shared, tonight he was captivated by the woman at his side. If she was playing a part, she was doing it perfectly. Like his father, Barry wasn’t always the most at ease in large groups of people, but Iris was in her element. In fact, she was positively enchanting. She was quick to smile and ready to laugh, and she showed such genuine interest in everyone she met that Barry was sure she’d captured more than one heart before they even made their way to the table for dinner.

Before they took their seats at the table, Iris paused and leaned in, whispering lightly, “So? How am I doing?”

“You’re perfect,” he answered honestly in an undertone. Then, taking advantage of his parents’ presence, he leaned back and pressed a soft kiss across her mouth. Most of the time he had to lie and pretend it was the truth. Tonight, he could tell the truth and pretend it was a lie. “I love you so much, you know.”

Her smile was warm, and if he didn’t know better, he’d think she was sincere when she replied, “I love you too.”

* * *

“So. I didn’t get a chance to ask earlier. How long have you and Barry been dating?” The dinner had wound down and Henry had dragged Barry across the room to introduce him to someone. Iris was sitting at the table, sipping from a glass of champagne, when his mom pulled up a chair and hit her with the unexpected question.

Well. Maybe not that unexpected. She’d been wondering when the interrogation - kind and well-intentioned as it was – would start. “Um, a week, I think?” she offered, belatedly realizing she should have asked Barry when he last spoke to his parents earlier.

His mom made a thoughtful hum. “I see. And how long have you been in love with him? Much longer than a week, I’d bet.”

She paused, her glass stopping halfway to her mouth. “What makes you think that?”

Nora smiled at her. “Because I’m his mother and I have eyes. You don’t have that ‘just fell in love’ look to you when you look at him.”

Iris laughed. “And what does that look like?”

“Oh, you know. Like it’s scary and new and you don’t know if it’s real or if you’re imagining things.”

Resting her chin on her fist, Iris threw the older woman a bemused look. “So how do I look at him?” she asked.

Nora shook her head. “Like you’ve known you’ve loved him long enough that you don’t have to wonder if you’re imagining things or not. Which brings us back to my original question.”

Iris narrowed her eyes as she considered the woman in front of her. “Has anyone ever told you that you’d make a pretty good detective? Remind me to never introduce you to my dad.” Nora chuckled, but she didn’t take the bait and allow the change of subject. 

Dropping her gaze to the glass in her hand, Iris focused on the bubbles rising to the surface of the champagne as she admitted, “Since the day I met him, I think. But like you said, it took me a while to accept that it was real and that I wasn’t imagining things.”

“Hm. And does he know that?”

She shook her head. “No. And I’d rather he didn’t. That probably sounds strange to you, but I think it would be…awkward. You know, with what happened with Patty and everything. I know she would never believe this, but I honestly would never have done anything to get in the way of that. I mean, as it is, I wonder sometimes if this is just a rebound thing and we’ll realize eventually that we’re better off as friends.” It was the excuse she’d come up with earlier, to explain their inevitable “breakup” one day. But right now, the excuse seemed weak.

Nora nodded slowly, her gaze thoughtful. “I understand. But I don’t think you have anything to worry about.” She laid her hand gently on Iris’s arm. “Watching Barry tonight…he’s happier than I’ve seen him in a long time. I think that’s because of you.”

Iris wanted to believe that, because if it was true, it meant that Barry might return her feelings one day. After more time passed and he got over his heartache over Patty. Maybe one day, she could tell him the truth. It gave her a measure of hope for the future, at least.

“You two look like you’re plotting something. Should I be worried?” Barry joked as he returned to the table.

Iris met his eyes with a smile. “Not at all,” she answered, rising to her feet and grabbing his hand. “We were just talking about how much I love you.”

“In that case, maybe I should abandon you more often,” he murmured, with one of those grins that she loved so much.

“Don’t you dare,” she replied with mock severity. He lifted her hand to press a kiss on the back of the hand linked in his, and she thought, _Not tonight, but maybe…Maybe Nora is right. Maybe soon, I’ll be able to tell him how I feel._

* * *

It was after one in the morning and Iris was already yawning by the time they made it back to Barry’s dorm building, but she didn’t seem ready to call it a night yet. As Barry climbed out of the car, she kicked off her shoes and picked them up, sighing happily as she flexed her feet. Then, after waving goodbye to his parents, she linked her arm in his and meandered towards the building.

Since the front doors to the dorms were locked at this hour, Barry stopped to pull his key out of his pocket. However, when he turned to escort Iris in, he saw a flash of red disappear around the side of the building. Curious to know what she was up to, he followed and found her heading towards the pool between his dorm and the next. Though the gate to the pool was usually locked, the lock had recently been broken when a party got out of control and hadn’t yet been replaced.

“Iris? What are you doing?” he asked, following her through the gate. 

The pool sparked in the moonlight, and Iris smiled at him over her shoulder. “Come on and live a little, Barry,” she purred, dropping her shoes to the ground.

A swim by the moonlight wasn’t something he’d ever thought he’d do, but he would go to the moon if Iris asked him to. He shrugged out of his jacket and turned to throw it on a nearby deck chair when he heard the splash of water nearby. Barry turned to find Iris stepping into the pool, her dress swirling around her calves already.

“You’re going in in your dress?” he asked in surprise.

Her throaty laugh caused a shiver down his spine. “If I didn’t and we were caught, I’d be arrested for public nudity.” Oh. Oh god. He froze as he watched the water reach her thighs. Then her hips. Her waist. Her torso. “You going to join me or not?”

Barry scrambled to tear off his shoes and socks, almost falling into the pool in his haste to do so. Then he waded into the pool, acting like there was nothing unusual at all about going for a late-night swim in near-full tuxedo with the woman he loved at one thirty in the morning. “So what now?” he asked in an undertone when he came to stand before her.

“Now?” she asked, and in the dim light, he saw her eyebrows raise. “Now…I think I owe you a dance. Our last one was interrupted.” She wrapped her arms around his neck, causing him to shiver when cold water dripped down his back. But it didn’t stop him from pulling her close and swaying with her in his arms, the only sound the soft ripple of water and her gentle hum as she sang along to a song that only she knew.

He didn’t know how much time passed before she broke off with a huge yawn, and Barry swept her off her feet, lifting her easily. Though she murmured a slight protest, she rested her head against his chest as he carried her all the way to his dorm room. He would have to remember to retrieve his jacket and their shoes in the morning.

He helped Iris get ready for bed, hanging their clothes in the restroom to dry first. Then, as he crawled into bed, she curled up against him, resting her cheek on his shoulder. “Oh, Iris,” he breathed, pressing a kiss on the top of her head. “I love you so much. What am I supposed to do about that?” 

But she was already asleep.


	6. Chapter 6

In the days following his parents’ visit, Barry tried to pretend that everything was back to normal between him and Iris. Which only served to highlight for him how much that evening had changed things.

His feelings had never been as close to the surface as they seemed now. More than once, he almost slipped and told her that he loved her. At one point, he realized what he was saying as the words were coming out of his mouth and had to smoothly finish his, “No wonder I love –” with “having you as a friend so much,” with only a half-second’s pause in between. Iris hadn’t commented on it; he could only wonder if she’d even noticed.

He needed time to get his feelings under control once more. So it was perhaps a blessing in disguise when he awoke one morning and found Iris pulling her suitcase out from under the bed. “Morning,” she returned his sleepy greeting. “I wake you up?” 

Lifting up on one shoulder, he smiled at her. “I don’t mind. As long as I get to wake up to you.” Nodding at her bag, he asked, “Going somewhere?”

Iris nodded. “Yeah. I got an e-mail that class tomorrow is cancelled. The only thing I have on Friday is a paper due, but I can e-mail that in. And I only have the one class later this morning. My dad’s got the next couple of days off, too – assuming we can avoid any unexpected crime waves for a few hours – so I told him I’d come for a visit.” Leaning down, she kissed him softly. “You can join, me if you want.”

Barry hooked his finger in the strap of her top and pulled her closer, returning her kiss. “I would, but Cisco’s brother is coming for a visit. He planned this huge party to celebrate, aaaaand…I promised I would go. Oh, and I’m scheduled for lab work on Friday; I can’t skip it.”

She made a sympathetic noise, trailing a finger down his chest. “Well, I guess that means we only have this morning. We probably shouldn’t waste it.”

He chuckled, pulling her on top of him. “Just what I was thinking.”

Iris whipped off her shirt in one smooth, quick gesture, but Barry’s movements were slow as he swept them up her thighs to her sides. There always seemed to be something frantic, almost desperate about their lovemaking. Like they were afraid each time would be the last time they would be in each other’s arms. But this morning with Iris, Barry wanted to take his time and savor every moment.

If he’d realized what was going to happen next, he’d have stayed there in her bed, with her wrapped in his arms, forever.

* * *

Iris was getting ready to go to dinner with her dad when she saw the missed call and message notification on her phone. Barry. The sight of his name on her screen made her smile. Throwing a quick look over her shoulder like she was afraid of getting caught, she sat on the edge of the bed and hit the button to listen to his voicemail.

“He-e-e-e-e-ey!” With that one long, drawn-out word, Iris had no doubt that Barry was incredibly drunk. She had to stifle a laugh as he carried on. “Shhh! Shhh!” he lowered his voice and hissed, as though she had been the one shouting an enthusiastic greeting a moment before. “I’m not supposed to be calling you! Don’t tell anyone!”

Drunk Barry was adorable, and Iris rolled her eyes as he continued, “I know I shouldn’t be calling you like this, but I had to talk to you. I have something I need to tell you. I-I love you, and I’m tired of pretending that I don’t. I love you.” Iris caught her breath at the words. This wasn’t a dream, and it wasn’t an act. He loved her? She almost couldn’t believe it at first. Then her face broke out into a wide smile, and she glanced at her bag. She could throw everything into her car right now and be back on campus in a couple of hours. She wasn’t sure what she would do when she got there, but surely she would figure it out on the way.

While she stood and reached for her purse, Barry was still talking. “I’ve loved you from the day we met. And I know that probably doesn’t change anything for you. You’ve made it very clear that this is the last thing you want. But…I love you, and I wanted you to know that. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. You probably won’t believe that. I have so much I want to tell you. You and me...Patty w-” Iris froze as he broke off, sinking back onto the mattress. “I don’t –”

Before Barry could finish what Iris was convinced would be a declaration of undying love for his ex-girlfriend, the voices in the background of the message grew louder. Cisco’s voice carried over the line as he yelled, “Are you –? Barry, no!” And then the line went dead.

Iris’s hand fell to her lap, and she stared with sightless eyes at the phone she held. Patty. He’d been trying to call Patty. Of course. He was drunk, trying to call his ex-girlfriend to beg for another shot. She should have known. The moment that he said he’d loved her from the moment he’d met her, she should have realized who he was talking about. That was Patty; it was never her. He and Patty had been an Item from the day Iris had introduced them. Hell, they’d almost moved in together. And Iris? Iris was just the friend who was at his side and in his bed while he tried to heal the broken heart Patty had left behind.

She continued to stare at the phone as she wrestled with what she had just heard. A tiny voice tried to convince her that it didn’t change anything. She’d known he loved Patty. She’d known it when she started sleeping with him. She’d known it a few days ago when she’d held out hope that one day she’d be able to tell him the truth. So was anything really that different?

Yes, she had to acknowledge. It was. Because Barry hadn’t just said that he loved Patty. He’d said that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. Even if he ended up being too drunk to remember the phone call in the morning, his feelings would remain. He loved her that much. And how was Iris to compete with that? Did she really want to try? To always know she was second best? To wonder every time he looked at her if he was thinking about the life that could have been and the love that he had lost?

No. Iris couldn’t even bear the thought.

Her finger hovered over the phone as she thought of Linda. Maybe her friend could tell her what to do – or at least make her feel better about what was about to happen. Except she knew what Linda would say. After all, hadn’t it been Linda who had told her that she was going to have to decide one day? And didn’t she also say that she knew this would all end with Iris getting hurt? Iris didn’t know that she was up for an old-fashioned round of “I told you so.”

That wasn’t fair, she acknowledged with a sigh. Linda was a lot of things, but she wasn’t cruel. Even though everything had gone down as she had feared, she would never hurt Iris by pointing out that she’d tried to warn her several times along the line. She would say the words or even hint at the sentiment, but she didn’t need to. Iris knew well enough already.

Linda had seen it all coming, and Iris had ignored her warnings because she wanted to be with Barry so badly. But what she wanted didn’t matter anymore. She could no longer pretend he would come to love her in time, and she didn’t want to be his consolation prize anymore. 

With a decisive stab at her phone, Iris deleted Barry’s message. Then she sucked in a deep breath, turned off her phone’s power, and placed it on her nightstand. Pasting a smile on her face, she stood and smoothed the wrinkles out of her bedspread with sharp, decisive swipes. 

Curiously numb and almost detached, she slowly brushed her hair over her shoulder. Then she straightened the hem of her skirt, as though putting her surroundings in order would give her control over her emotions and allow her to avoid a broken heart.

With one more glance at her phone, Iris pasted a smile on her face and ran downstairs to join her dad. Although she tried to hide her feelings, her dad took one look at her face and asked, “Is everything okay?”

“Of course!” she replied with false cheer. Stretching onto her toes, she brushed a kiss across his cheek. “Just distracted with school stuff.” When she felt his relieved sigh, she leaned back and pointed out gently, “Maybe I should be asking you the same question.”

He wouldn’t meet her eyes unaccountably sheepish all of a sudden. “Yeah, of course!” When she continued to stare at him, he groaned. “Okay…it’s possible I’ve forgotten to tell you that we’re meeting someone for dinner.” 

His behavior was curious, but she realized it could only mean one thing. “A woman, I assume?”

Joe nodded slightly. “Her name is Cecile, and we’ve been dating for a little while now. I wanted to give her a chance to meet you, but…I don’t want this to be weird. Is this okay?”

“Of course it is!” she reassured him, giving him a tight hug. But she knew what he was worried about so, chin resting on his shoulder, she murmured, “Mom wanted you to be happy, you know. She didn’t want you to mourn for her forever.”

“I’m not trying to replace her. I could never replace your mother,” he explained in an undertone. “We’re just…seeing where this goes.”

“If she makes you happy, that’s good enough for me,” she reassured him softly as she grabbed his arm and nodded towards the door. “Now let’s not keep her waiting. I can’t wait to meet her.”

Her love life might be an utter disaster, but seeing her father happy sounded like the kind of distraction she needed. She knew he’d had a hard time moving on after losing Francine to a long and drawn out illness. But her mother had loved him in return and so had wanted him to find happiness again one day. Iris wanted the same thing for him.

And in the meantime, she would get practice hiding her own heartache. Since it seemed she’d be doing so for the foreseeable future, she might as well get into the act now.

* * *

Barry grinned when he walked into the coffee shop and saw Iris sitting at one of the tables. It had only been a few days since he’d last spoken to her, but he’d missed her more than he dared admit. “Hey!” he said cheerfully as he bounded towards the table. She rose to her feet slowly as he approached, and he swept her into a tight hug. He vaguely noticed that, though she leaned her shoulders in during their hug, she kept her hips tilted away from him. She also stepped out of his embrace quickly once he relaxed his arms. However, the implications of this didn’t strike him right away. He was just too happy to see her.

“It’s good to see you. I missed you, you know,” he said cheerfully as he took the seat across from her. “Did you have a good time with your dad?”

Iris nodded, though she wasn’t meeting his eyes. Alarm bells started to ring, but he ignored them. She was probably just tired from the long weekend away, he told himself. “Yup. Actually, I met dad’s new girlfriend. Which was a little surreal, but, um…” Iris sighed and shook her head. He watched her teeth scrape across her lower lip, and then she finally looked him in the eye. “Barry? We need to talk.”

The alarms were deafening now, but he was determined to convince himself that everything was fine. So he deflected with a joke. “Uh-oh. That sounds serious. Should I be worried?”

“I don’t think we should do this anymore,” she said firmly.

Barry swallowed, feeling his blood rush from his head. “Coffee, you mean? Or bad jokes?” he suggested desperately.

But Iris was unwilling to be deterred. “I mean this. Us. Our friends with benefits…thing. I don’t think we should do it anymore.”

“But…why?” he asked in a strangled voice. He reached for her hands, but she pulled away, her gaze dropping to her coffee cup. “I thought…I thought things were going well. Is this because of…what happened with my parents?”

“No! This has nothing to do with…with that evening!” she reassured him. Then, as though realizing she owed him a bit more than that, she grimaced, one shoulder lifting in a shrug. “But come on. This was never meant to be a permanent thing. You knew that. We both knew that. It was always just…what it was. Fun while it lasted but…it wouldn’t last forever.”

Barry knew what was happening, but he couldn’t believe it. Didn’t want to believe it. “Did I – Is something – did I do something wrong?” he asked softly.

Her eyes shot to his and then skittered away again. “Of course not,” she replied in a firm voice. “This isn’t about…you didn’t do anything wrong. But over the last couple of days, seeing my dad so happy, I guess I just realized…” Her voice trailed off, and he saw her suck in a deep breath before she met his eyes again. “I think this isn’t what you really want.” He opened his mouth to protest, but she continued on before he could. “And I _know_ it’s not what I want. So it’s time to be honest with ourselves and move on.”

Wounded, Barry flinched, pulling away. “Iris –” he breathed, but he didn’t know what to say, what words would convince her to change her mind.

Before he could find them, she grabbed her bag and stood. “I should go. I have a study session this morning, and…I should go.”

As she charged towards the door, he called her name, stopping her in her tracks. “Wait!” he pleaded desperately. “You and I…we can still be friends, right? That hasn’t changed?”

Even he could say her smile looked forced as she turned back to face him. “Yup. We’re still friends. That was part of the deal, remember? Nothing hasn’t changed.” But even as she said the words, he knew they were a lie. The problem was, it seemed things had only really changed for him.


	7. Chapter 7

After ending things with Barry, Iris was desperate to get away. So desperate, in fact, that she didn’t see Linda enter the coffee shop even after she’d bumped into her. She barely noticed the impact, in fact, and didn’t realize what had happened until she was on the street and felt someone grab her arm.

“Iris! Hey! Are you okay? What happened?” Linda’s voice finally got through to her, and she turned.

“N-no. I-I just…I just broke it off with Barry,” she replied, her voice breaking with misery. “I don’t – Can we talk later? I’m not really…” Her voice trailed off as she shook her head.

Her friend pulled her in to a quick hug. “Of course. Come by my place after your last class.” When Iris started to argue, she cut her off. “If you’re going to be miserable, you might as well be miserable with a friend, right?”

The shadow of a smile crossed Iris’s face. “All right. Fine. But I’m bringing ice cream and I intend to eat disgusting amounts of it, and you can’t let me go through that alone.”

Her eyes widened. “I would _never._ ”

Against all odds, Iris was almost smiling when she walked away with her broken heart, leaving Linda to her pursuit of coffee.

* * *

Barry was slumped in his chair, staring dejectedly into his coffee cup, when he heard someone speak. “Hey, Barry. Mind if I join you?” He looked up to see Linda, Iris’s friend. He wasn’t sure he was up for company, to be honest. But a quick glance around showed that the coffee house was full, and he didn’t want to be rude. He nodded and watched as she slid into the chair across from him.

“Thanks,” she said breathed with a heavy sigh. Giving him a searching look, she asked, “You up late last night working on a paper or something? You look like hell.” Then, as though realizing her comment was a little rude, she added, “No offense.”

His smile was pained, but his voice lacked heat when he responded, “Thanks. I’m sure I feel worse than I look.” He debated whether to say anything to hear about what had just happened. He had no doubt she’d hear it from Iris, but while he and Linda had always been friendly, she was unequivocally Iris’s friend. Though he was desperate for answers and wondered if she could provide any, he didn’t want to cross a line.

“Everything okay?” she asked softly.

He shrugged. “Yes. No. I don’t –” Rubbing his face with his palms, he shook his head. “Iris just…we just…I don’t even know what to say. You can’t really break up if you were never dating, can you?”

She shook her head. “I don’t think so. But I’m not sure they’ve invented terminology for that, yet.”

“Have they invented a way to get over it?” he asked miserably, dropping his gaze to his coffee cup once more.

He felt Linda’s eyes on him as she took a sip of the mug in her hand. “Is it something you need to get over?”

Her voice was surprisingly soft, but it didn’t take the sting from her question. His head snapped up and he glared at her. “Oh, right, because I’m not supposed to care,” he replied sarcastically.

“Most people don’t,” she pointed out. “When it’s friends with benefits. And that’s what it was, right?”

Barry pushed his coffee away. “Right,” he muttered darkly as he jumped to his feet. “That’s what it was.” He turned to leave and then stopped. Unable to help himself any longer, he turned back to her. “Did she tell you she was going to do it?” he asked. He could hear the agony in his voice and knew he was giving away too much, but he wasn’t sure he cared any longer. He’d played it safe, and he’d lost Iris anyway. What did it matter anymore?

Linda looked up at him in surprise. “No,” she replied, and though he knew she could be lying, she sounded sincere. “I had no idea.”

Aware he was pushing his luck, he shifted his weight from one foot to the other. “Do you know why she did it?” he asked, his voice pleading. He just needed to understand, and he was afraid he never would.

Her head cocked to the side as she regarded him in silence for a long moment. Then she asked gently, “Don’t you?”

He could tell that was the only answer he was going to get, so he shoved his hands in his pockets and left. If Linda was privy to Iris’s secrets, it was clear she wasn’t going to betray them. And Barry might not ever get the answers he so desperately needed.

* * *

Iris was halfway through her pint of double chocolate fudge ice cream before Linda broached the subject. They were lying on Linda’s bed, their heads at opposite ends as they watched a cheesy sci-fi movie and Iris tried to drown her sorrows in calories, when she asked, “So…you want to talk about what happened?”

Iris stabbed her spoon viciously into her rapidly melting pint. “You know what happened,” she replied darkly. “He loves Patty.”

“Yeah, but you knew that going in and it didn’t stop you. What happened now to change your mind?”

She sighed and debated not answering the question. Part of her really didn’t want to talk about that phone call. She’d successfully avoided directly looking at that pain ever since it had happened, and in doing so, she’d managed to hold on to enough of that initial numbness over the last few days that she hadn’t yet shed a single tear. But Linda was her friend, and the weight of that phone call pressed so heavily on her heart. It would be good to talk about it with someone.

“He…Barry was drunk. He was at a party with his friend. And he…well…he called me.” Her friend didn’t break the silence that she let stretch between them after that statement, so she continued, “He told me…well…he thought I was Patty, so I guess he tried to tell her that he still loves her. He has since they first met. That he wants to spend the rest of his life with her. And I just…I realized I couldn’t do it anymore. I can’t always be his second choice.”

Linda didn’t respond right away, which was oddly deflating. When she did, it wasn’t with the words Iris had expected. “Is there any chance you misheard him? Or that you misunderstood what he was trying to say?”

“That I – Wait, what? Are you kidding?” Iris asked, lifting her head off the pillow to throw her friend an affronted glare. “Do I need to remind you that you’ve been telling me this was a bad idea this entire time? You told me to break it off with him, even! And then I finally do, and you ask if I’m sure that I did the right thing? Are you trying to mess with me or something? What do you want from me? How could you even ask that?”

Linda sat up, unflinchingly meeting Iris’s eyes. “I’m not messing with you, and I’ve only ever wanted one thing. And that’s for you to be happy. If that’s with Barry Allen, then…so be it. I want the two of you to be ludicrously, disgustingly happy together. If it’s not, he never deserved you, and I hope he gets abducted by aliens or dropped off a cliff or something and you never have to see him again. I’m just wondering if it’s possible that all this time, we’ve assumed his feelings for Patty went deeper than they did. I saw him after you left today, and he looked pretty torn up. So is it _possible_ that you misunderstood his phone call? That’s it.”

Iris sat up and put her ice cream aside. “Of course I didn’t misunderstand! He called me Patty, remember?”

“Well, what did he say _exactly_? Did he say –”

“I don’t know!” she burst out irritably. “I don’t remember the exact words!” That was a lie. She could have recited the words from memory, but she couldn’t bear to do so. It hurt even thinking them, let alone speaking them aloud. “Look, I’m not wrong about this. I thought for a minute that he was telling me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, and I was ready to come rushing back here into his arms like some sort of lovesick idiot. And then I realized he thought he was talking to _her_. And I was just so…it was like he ripped out a piece of me, and I still haven’t gotten it back!” 

She could feel the tears fill her eyes, and so she shook her head forcefully, willing them away. “I actually thought for one stupid minute that he finally loved me the same way I’ve loved him from the very start, and it was her all along. He’s always wanted her, and I’m sick of being the girl who just…who’s good enough to sleep with but not…but not…”

She’d been gesturing wildly, but as her voice trailed off, her hands fell to her lap. She looked away, blinking rapidly in a losing battle against her tears as the numbness seeped out of her and the pain she’d been trying to deny, to ignore, settled in. Tears fell down her cheeks as in a broken whisper, she asked, “I just…why doesn’t he love me? Am I so hard to love?”

“Oh, god, Iris. No. You aren’t hard to love at all!” she replied emphatically, scooting around on the bed to pull Iris into a deep hug. The two women settled back on the pillows together, Linda holding her tight, running a hand soothingly down her back as Iris tucked her face into her friend’s shoulder, her body shaking with the force of her sobs.

* * *

“Cisco, I need to talk to you,” Barry blurted as he raced into the lecture hall and stole the open seat next to his friend. The guest lecture was optional, and Barry had been looking forward to it ever since it had first been announced. Normally he’d be in the front row, eager for it to start. But tonight, he had other things on his mind.

Cisco had been deep in conversation with Felicity while they waited for the presentation to start, but he paused and turned to his friend. “No, we weren’t in the middle of anything. Why do you as – dude, what happened to you? You look like crap.”

He sighed, running his hand through his hair for possibly the hundredth time that day. “Iris broke up with me. Is that the right word for it? I don’t know. Whatever. She ended it.”

Felicity gasped, craning her neck to look around Cisco. “She did? Why? What happened?”

“That’s what I’d like to know. Nothing weird happened at the party, did it? I didn’t do anything embarrassing that would make her want to end things? Like, I don’t know…I didn’t run naked around the quad screaming her name? Did I?”

A line formed between Felicity’s brows. “Does that seem like a thing you’re likely to do?”

“With Barry? Anything’s possible. He does not hold his liquor,” Cisco joked, pulling a sucker out of his bag and unwrapping it. The man had a serious sugar addiction. “But as far as this weekend…I don’t know. I was pretty trashed, myself, but I would think we would have heard if you’d done anything like that. Actually, we’d probably have photographic evidence of it. Which is something I don’t need to picture, thank you.”

“What about you, Felicity? Did Iris say anything when she got back? Anything at all?”

She frowned and mulled over the question. “I don’t think so. She seemed perfectly fine the last time I saw her before she left. I was out when she got back, but…I guess maybe she was a little quiet when I saw her in the kitchen that evening. But nothing set off alarm bells or anything.”

He sighed and leaned forward, folding his arms on the desk. “And she didn’t say anything about me?”

Felicity shook her head. “Not that I remember. I guess…she did meet her dad’s new girlfriend. She seemed happy for him, but…I don’t know. Reserved? She’s mentioned before how hard it was on her when her mom died. Maybe seeing her dad move on like that just got her thinking about things, you know?”

His head sinking into the pillow of his arms, he groaned, “I guess. But what am I supposed to do now? I love her. How am I supposed to just turn those feelings off? I just…I wish I understood why she did this.”

“Did you ask?” Cisco asked gently.

Barry sighed. “Of course I asked! She said that she’d realized it’s not what we really want. But that doesn’t make sense! Does it?”

Cisco and Felicity were quiet for a moment, and then Felicity said, “I know you want answers, Barry, but…I guess you have to decide what’s more important to you. Being her friend, or getting the answers to why she did this. I doubt any answer she could give you would make you feel better. But if you keep pushing, you could lose her entirely.”

He looked up at her in confusion, and she grimaced and explained reluctantly, “I don’t know why she ended it, but maybe she really did just think of this as a casual thing that was always meant to end eventually. And maybe for her, it’s time.”

“But I don’t want it to end,” he murmured in a soft voice. “I thought…I thought one day she might love me. Is that dumb?”

“It’s not dumb at all,” Cisco interjected firmly.

Barry’s shoulders slumped. “Maybe you’re right. I don’t want to lose her. I guess I just have to figure out how to go back to pretending I don’t love her. I used to do it all the time. I should be able to do it again, right?” Maybe one day, it would even be true.

* * *

At first, Iris tried to pretend they could still be friends. Granted, she didn’t call him like she once did, and she more often than not found excuses to avoid meeting him for coffee in the morning. But while things between them were tense and awkward, she tried to act like nothing was wrong. Perhaps her smile wasn’t as wide as it once was. Perhaps there were shadows in her eyes where they hadn’t existed before. But Barry clearly wanted to return to the friendship they had once had, and Iris was determined to do the same.

So when Laurel and Sara dragged her to a party one night to blow off steam and she saw Barry on the other side of the room, part of her wanted to run. She stayed, however, reassuring herself with the thought that the party was packed enough she would probably rarely see him. But she told herself she could do this. She could hang out at a party with Barry Allen and pretend they were just friends and her heart didn’t break every time she saw him.

Still, she headed directly to the impromptu bar set up outside. If she was going to face this evening, she needed a drink. Though she knew she needed to keep her wits about her tonight if she wanted to avoid embarrassing herself in front of him, she also needed the fortification. 

While she was trying to squeeze herself to the front of the group congregating around the keg on the porch, one of the partygoers tripped and fell into her. Iris staggered back, landing hard against someone standing directly behind her. Iris grunted, trying to catch her footing, as a strong arm wrapped around her waist, steadying her quickly.

With a small smile, Iris turned, half expecting it to be Barry behind her. He always seemed to be there right when she needed him. However, when she turned around, she found herself face to face with a handsome blond man she’d never seen before. “Oh! Uh…thanks,” she said with a shy smile. Though he’d been about to turn away, the stranger’s eyebrows lifted as he looked down at her. Then a slow smile spread across his face and he shifted a little closer. 

Iris took this as a sign of encouragement, and though she wasn’t sure her heart was into anything serious, surely there could be no danger in indulging in mild flirtation. Maybe it would even help her heal from her heartache. “I hope I didn’t spill your drink,” she murmured, nodding at the cup in his hand.

He’d been staring at her, eyes wide, and then his gaze darted to the half empty cup in his hand. “Um…yes. Yes, you did,” he said, quickly tossing the remnants of his drink on the ground. Iris tried not to laugh. “I’m pretty sure that’s the biggest transgression you could make at a party like this, and it definitely means you have to buy me another drink.”

Tilting her head to the side, Iris teased, “You know the drinks at these parties are free, right?”

The stranger grinned at her. “Then I guess I’ll have to buy you one. Eddie Thawne.”

“Iris West,” she returned, falling easily into flirtatious banter with a handsome stranger. She could see the attraction in his eyes when he looked at her, and she had to admit that it felt nice. For a few minutes, at least, she could pretend that her heart wasn’t broken. That she was a girl who could flirt with a cute guy at a party without wanting to burst into tears at the knowledge that she loved someone who would never love her back.

“Let me get you that drink,” he offered. “Beer?” When she nodded, he pushed his way forward to the keg and returned with a cup. When he returned, she had given in to the temptation to scan the crowd, looking for Barry. He seemed to notice, as he said, “So, Iris West. You’re not here with anyone, are you? And if you are, can you point him out to me? I would hate to accidentally spill my beer on him so he has to leave us alone long enough for me to try to convince you that you’ll like me better.”

Iris laughed lightly. “Nope. I’m here all by myself,” she replied, shifting out of the way of other thirsty students, eager for a drink. “You?”

“Ditto. Must be fate,” he said with a grin. He really was attractive, and if her heart wasn’t already taken, maybe it would even speed up at the sight of his smile. “So, you want to go out for drinks sometime? I don’t know who owes who, but we could buy each other a beer and call it even.”

She tried to will her heart to forget Barry and give this Eddie guy a chance, but just then, she caught movement over his left shoulder. Barry was heading towards the bar, and he caught sight of her through the crowd. When their eyes met, he smiled, stopping in his tracks as he lifted his hand in an awkward wave. Even as she felt a stabbing pain at the sight of him, Iris caught her breath at his smile, her pulse racing. She tried to hide her reaction. She didn’t know how he did that to her every time, or that he could be so blind to the fact that he did.

Realizing her preoccupation, Eddie looked over her shoulder, following her gaze. Then he looked back at her, his eyes thoughtful. She could tell that her face had given her away when he asked softly, “Ex-boyfriend?”

Her gaze falling to her cup, she shrugged. “Something like that.” 

Still looking at her face, he asked, “I don’t stand a chance, do I?”

Iris hated herself for not being able to put her feelings for Barry aside long enough to concentrate on the extremely handsome and seemingly perfectly nice man in front of her. Why shouldn’t she give Eddie a shot if things were never going to work out with Barry? But she felt like she wasn’t being very fair to him even in pretending she could. He was clearly attracted to her, but she was too busy thinking about someone else to reciprocate. “I’m sorry,” she replied softly.

With a sigh and a nod, Eddie seemed to accept his position in the pecking order. “I see. It’s okay. I don’t know if you could tell by looking at me, but I actually make for a really great friend, too. So, you want to make him jealous?”

Iris laughed and shook her head. “Oh, I couldn’t,” she protested.

“Because you’re too nice?” he asked. “I don’t know about that. You did callously spill my drink. And I’d almost gotten it to that perfect room-temperature level of flatness that really makes the college party experience. You know?”

She snorted. “Because, believe me. He would never be jealous over me.”

Eddie glanced at Barry over his shoulder. Though people kept knocking into him as they made their way to the keg, he hadn’t taken their eyes off the two in the corner. “Let’s see about that.”

“How?” she asked in confusion. Without another word, Eddie bent down and kissed her, his arm going around her waist as he spun her slightly to the side so that anyone watching would be able to get full view of the embrace. Iris gasped against his mouth, though she didn’t pull away at first. Her eyes pressed shut, she tried to force herself to feel anything close to what she had felt with Barry. But handsome as Eddie was, she simply didn’t feel that spark.

“Did it work?” he murmured against her mouth as the kiss ended.

“What –?” she asked, eyes wide as pulled away. After a second, he dropped his arm and she stepped back, putting some distance between them, but when she looked back over the crowd, Barry was gone.

It was a while before she saw him again. She and Eddie had hung out a little while after the kiss, both aware they would only ever be friends. Once he’d left, however, she’d sought out other distractions, anything to take her mind off Barry. And off the depressing possibility she’d never get over Barry. After all, Eddie was handsome, he was funny, and he was a great kisser. But not only had she not felt anything at all from his kiss, but it probably hadn’t even made Barry jealous. She also tried not to think about how good Barry had looked in his casual button up and jeans. Or how good his kisses could taste.

The problem was, try as she might, she couldn’t get him off her mind, and no amount of beer seemed to help. If anything, it made it easier to want to fall into their most recent pattern than to remember why they shouldn’t. On her third round of beer pong, it became all too easy to ignore the voice of reason in her mind – the one that reminded her why she couldn’t be with Barry anymore. On her fifth, she gave in and sought him out.

She found him standing under a tree out on the lawn. His balance was a little unsteady as he turned to her, a testament to his own alcohol consumption that evening. “Iris! H-hey. Um…how are you? Having a good time?”

She stumbled to a halt, not sure what to do now that she had him in front of her. So she tried to look casual as she crossed her arms over her chest and nodded. “Yeah. You?”

“Yeah,” he agreed, though his voice lacked conviction. His eyes were sad as he shifted his weight and looked down at the beer in his hand. “So…um…what happened to that guy from earlier? Is he getting you a drink or something?”

“Eddie?” How could she think about him when Barry was looking so adorably flustered? His hair was mussed; he’d probably run his hand through it several times already. His cheeks were a little flushed from the beer, and as Iris leaned towards him, he smelled every bit as good as she remembered. God, she wanted him. Then, belatedly realizing that he was expecting something more in response, she said lamely, “I’m, uh, I’m not sure where he is, exactly.”

“Oh.” Barry shifted again, shoving one hand in the pocket of his jeans. His eyes met hers before darting away again. “So…are you guys together? Is that…is that why you…?” His question trailed off, but then he added quickly, “You don’t have to answer that. I know it’s none of my business.”

“No, we aren’t together,” she said softly, wanting to kiss that little frown line that had formed between his brows. Gently taking the drink from his hand, she stole a sip. The beer made her wonder why she didn’t just kiss him like she wanted to. It made all those reasons she knew she shouldn’t seem unimportant.

“Oh. So…so what –?” Barry’s question broke off as Iris did what she’d wanted to do all evening. She dropped her cup, fisted her hands in his shirt, and pushed him back against the tree trunk. Stretching up on her toes, she pulled him down to her. He tasted like beer when she swept her tongue along his bottom lip. 

“God…Iris,” he sighed against her mouth. She felt the stiffness in his shoulders melt away as he pulled her against him, cupping one hand behind her neck to tilt her head back. Brushing kisses along her jaw and the curve of her throat to her ear, he breathed, “I missed you. I missed this.”

Iris moaned, pressing herself against him. She wasn’t too drunk to know what she was doing. She was just drunk enough to tell herself she didn’t care. She wanted this; why not give in and take what she wanted? What was the worst that could happen?

She slipped her hands under his shirt, wanting to touch his bare skin. She would go home with him right now, if he asked. But instead, he straightened slightly, his eyes grave. “Iris, are you sure? I don’t…well, I thought…I thought you didn’t want this. That this was the last thing you wanted, actually. Are you sure?”

She had been sure, but his words brought back the memory she was trying desperately to forget. _“You’ve made it very clear that this is the last thing you want. But I love you.”_ Those weren’t her words. Those were Patty’s. All the beer in the world couldn’t change that.

With a strangled cry of distress, Iris pushed him away. She stared at him with wide eyes, but when he started to speak, she shook her head. “No. You’re right. I-I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have…I’m sorry.” Disgusted by her behavior, she turned and ran away, almost twisting her ankle on the uneven terrain. No matter how much she wanted to pretend, she and Barry weren’t just friends. She had been fooling herself to think that she could hide her feelings. It wasn’t fair to Barry to jerk him around like this, but it was even harder on her heart.

* * *

_“I left a message, but I’m not sure you got it. I’m sorry about the other night.”_  
“I got it. It’s okay, Barry. It was just a silly kiss. You don’t have to apologize.”  
“I know it was just a kiss, but you seemed upset. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”  
“It’s fine! I just don’t want to talk about it. It’s not like it meant anything.”  
“Oh. Okay.” 

_“Hey! Some guys found a projector are showing a bunch of old movies in Douglas Hall. You want to go?”_  
“I’m afraid I can’t. I’m working on a paper.”  
“Aw, that sucks. Another time?”  
Iris didn’t respond.

_“You free to hang out tonight?”_  
“I’m getting dinner with Eddie. Maybe after for a little bit? If it’s not too late.”  
The response did come for several minutes. “No, that’s okay. Another time.” 

_“I would kill for a cup of coffee. Want to join me at our usual place?”  
“I haven’t hung out with the girls in a while, so we decided to make it a girl’s night in. Sorry!”_

_“I just picked up the BEST brownies from the bakery. Want me to bring some by?”  
“Thanks for the thought, but I’m at a study session all evening! Have one for me, okay?”_

_“Iris, is something wrong?”  
“What do you mean?”  
“We haven’t hung out in forever. Is everything okay?”  
“Everything’s fine. I’ve just been busy.”  
“So this isn’t about what happened? It kind of feels like you’ve been avoiding me. I know it was a mistake, but I don’t want to lose you.”  
“It’s not about that! And you haven’t lost me, Barry. I’ve just been busy.”  
“Okay. Well…give me a call when you get a chance to hang out. I miss you.”_  
Several minutes passed before he received her response. _“I miss you too.”_

* * *

Over the next several weeks, Iris thought of the lesson she’d learned at the party gave in to her cowardice. A better, stronger person might be able to act casual. Pretend that nothing was wrong. Slipping into that old role should be like slipping into a pair of old, broken in shoes. Being friends with Barry and pretending like she didn’t want anything more should be easy and familiar.

But she wasn’t that person. She just couldn’t do it. When he called after the party, she stared at the number on her screen for several seconds before declining the call. She mulled over every text for hours before replying in one or two words. She invented excuses to decline every offer to hang out. She stopped meeting him for their morning cups of coffee. And when she did bump into him anywhere on campus, their conversations were stilted and halting until she made good her escape.

The problem was, she couldn’t just go back to pretending that friendship was enough. But for Barry, returning to friendship without benefits seemed to be all too easy. Well, it would be, wouldn’t it? That was kind of the problem. It didn’t stop her from resenting him a little for it.

Seeing him, hearing his voice, it just hurt. It reopened the wound in her heart and made it bleed anew. It made her ache inside until she just wanted to curl up into a little ball and cry, but the tears were all gone. She was a hollow, empty shell of the person she used to be, and she didn’t know how to get back to that. She didn’t know how to lie anymore.

So she avoided him. It wasn’t the bravest thing. It certainly wasn’t the most dignified or admirable. But it was the only things he could do, to try to protect the little bit of her that she had left.

She was grabbing lunch in the library food court one evening when she bumped into Barry on the way to a table. “Hey!” he said when he turned and saw her. “Um…I…I haven’t seen you since…in a while. How are you?”

His smile was warm, if uncertain, and she had to swallow hard before she could answer. “Oh…um…hey. Sorry. I didn’t see you.”

“It’s okay.” Then, after a momentary pause, he gestured to the empty seat at his table. “You want to join me?” His voice was guarded, but he seemed almost desperately sincere.

Iris looked at the empty seat. She should say yes. She knew she should. As much as she hurt now, she didn’t want to lose him completely. Their friendship would never get back on track if she wasn’t willing to even try. She opened her mouth to agree, but then she heard his voice. _“I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”_ The memory was enough to wilt her confidence and make her feel like a crumpled up wad of tissue inside, and the pain was swift and fierce. It stole her breath away, along with her appetite and any ability to pretend. “Oh…um…thanks. But I – I should really get back to Eddie. We’re studying together.” Ever since the party, they had fallen into an easy friendship. She could tell he was attracted to her, but he never pushed for more. When she’d pointed out his attempt to make Barry jealous had failed, he’d simply shrugged and said they would see. Belatedly, she offered, “You can join us, if you want.” Seeing him would still be painful, but maybe having Eddie there would help her remember not to make a fool of herself.

“No, that’s okay,” he replied softly. “You’ve been seeing him a lot lately, huh?”

She forced a strangled laugh. “I don’t know. Not really. Maybe. I guess?”

He rocked back and forth on his feet. “So, is that why you’ve been so busy lately?” he asked. “I just feel like we haven’t seen each other in forever.”

She bit her lip and shrugged, trying to keep her expression blank. “No, it’s just…I’ve been really busy. You know how it is.”

Barry was looking at her so seriously, his eyes narrowed, when he finally shook his head. “Not really, to be honest. It kind of feels like…is this because of what happened? Have you been avoiding me?”

She made a soft, choking sound. “No! Of course not!” she lied. “It was just a kiss. Why – why would I avoid you because of a stupid kiss?”

“I-I guess I don’t know,” he replied in a low voice. “But it kind of feels like you were avoiding me before that and I just thought –” He paused and cleared his throat. “Well, listen. About that party my professor’s throwing? For all her summer research assistants? You’re still going with me, aren’t you?”

Though he kept his words light, Iris wanted to cry. “Oh…Barry, I’m not sure…I don’t think that’s a really good idea.”

Taking her elbow, he moved aside to let another student pass. When he looked back at her, his smile had fallen and his eyes were sad. “Why not? Are you afraid Eddie will get the wrong idea? But we’re friends, right? I mean, I know it’s probably a little awkward because of…because of everything. But we’re friends, and I really want you there. As my friend. It’s – it’s important to me.”

Biting her lip, she looked away. “I-I’ll try, okay?” She took a step back. “I have to go.” Barely waiting long enough to hear his reply, Iris bolted towards the door, dumping her untouched food in the trash on the way out. She found she no longer had an appetite, anyway.

* * *

Barry was nervous as he adjusted his tie in the mirror. This was a big night for him. He was going to get to know his professor – his mentor, really, better – along with the team he’d be working with over the summer. As he’d once told his parents, doing a good job on this project could change his entire future.

He wasn’t thinking about that as he straightened his tie, however. He was thinking about Iris. She’d promised to try to come, repeating her promise via text just the week before. But she’d also continued to avoid him. She denied it, of course, and he wished he could believe it wasn’t true. He’d lost count of the number of times he’d tried to reassure himself that he was overanalyzing things; that things would go back to normal once her schedule cleared up a little. 

He’d almost managed to fool himself it was true, too. Until he saw her on the street one day. He’d been just about to call out to her when her saw her glance his way, and then she’d darted around the corner. It had just driven home the point that she knew to be true. She was avoiding him, and he didn’t have the first clue how to fix it.

But perhaps tonight would be a good first step. Barry swore that when he saw her this evening, he would behave himself. He would do everything in his power to go back to the friendship they used to have. And he would definitely – _definitely_ – not mention Eddie. 

He still ached to hold her every time he saw her, but he missed having her in his life even more. If he could only get that back, he promised himself that he would never ask for more.

If only she’d show up.

He sucked in a deep breath as he stared at his reflection, and then he heard a knock on the door. His heart lifting, Barry’s face broke into a grin as he turned to answer it. She’d come. Things weren’t too broken between them, after all.

When he threw the door open, however, it wasn’t Iris on the other side. Felicity was standing there, a strained smile on her face. “Iris wanted me to tell you she isn’t feeling well, but she knew how much this evening means to you. If you want company, I can come along?”

Barry sagged against the doorway. “So that’s it, huh? We can’t even be friends anymore?”

Felicity gave an awkward, lurching shrug. “Oh, Barry. She cares about you. I know she does.”

He stepped back, letting her follow him into the room. “I don’t understand what I’m doing wrong,” he admitted, sagging into a chair. “It’s like the more I try to be her friend, the more I push her away.” Rubbing his hands across his face, he sighed. “I don’t know. Do you think – do you think she’s realized how I feel about her? And she’s trying to let me down easy?”

“I honestly don’t know. She won’t talk about it. Maybe because she knows we’re friends? I don’t know.” 

Shaking his head, he stood. “It doesn’t matter. I’ve lost her.”

__

_Iris shifted her weight from one foot to the other. She looked from the piece of her paper in her hand to the address on the front of the building. This was the place. Scraping her lower lip with her teeth, she rocked back and forth. Should she really be doing this? Maybe it was a bad idea. She could turn around now and go home. Barry would never know she’d come._

_Instead, she sucked in a deep breath and straightened her spine. No. She was doing the right thing. Although she’d asked Felicity to tell Barry she couldn’t make it, she knew how important this evening was to him. Even though it would hurt to see him, he’d told her that it was important to him that she come. She couldn’t abandon him like this._

_With another deep breath, Iris knocked on the door. A student that looked vaguely familiar let her in, but she saw nobody she knew in the crowd of students and parents milling about as she made her way into the living room. Then she finally saw him. Barry._

_He was on the other side of the room, deep in conversation. Iris couldn’t see who he was talking to; the woman had her back to the room. But as she stepped forward, Barry smiled, the corners of his eyes crinkling as he shook his head. Iris grinned automatically in response, and then the woman shifted, and she saw who it was. Patty._

_She lurched, stumbling forward another step. Stricken, she felt like her entire world dropped out from under her. But he hadn’t seen her yet, so maybe she could get away. Iris spun around, desperate to escape, and almost ran head-long into Nora and Henry Allen._

_“Iris! You’re here!” He cried happily when he saw her. “It’s good to see you.”_

_Her lower lip trembling, Iris fought back tears and tried to smile. Whatever crossed her face was a pale mockery of a grin, however. “Oh…I’m…I –” She looked over her shoulder and saw Barry’s head snap up as he looked their way. Even more desperate to escape, she blurted, “I wasn’t…I was just going –”_

_“Honey, are you okay?” his mom asked, stepping forward._

_“Me? I’m…I’m fine. I just…I’m not feeling…I have to go.”_

_“You’re leaving already?” Barry’s voice was soft, concerned, behind her, and she froze._

_She took a second to try to wipe any expression off her face. When she thought it might be safe enough, she looked over her shoulder and met his eyes. “Yeah. I’m sorry. I have to go.”_

_Barry’s expression grew wounded. Even a little angry. “Right. Because otherwise you might have to spend five minutes with me, and we can’t have that.”_

_“Bartholomew Henry Allen! That was rude!” his mom chastised him._

_“No. It’s fine. He’s not – it’s fine.” She didn’t know what to say, so she just shook her head. “Excuse me.” Darting between them, Iris raced to the door, the skirt of her pale champagne dress whipping around her ankles as she fled. She was on the front walk before she felt his hand on her arm. She should have known he wasn’t just going to let her go._

_Stopping in her tracks, Iris knew she couldn’t run forever. So she turned, unsurprised to see the confusion and anger on her face. “Iris, I don’t understand. What do you want from me? What did I do wrong?”_

_“Nothing!” she protested. “You did nothing wrong!”_

_He let go of her, but he didn’t move away as he begged for answers. “Then what happened? Why can’t we even be friends anymore? Or do I need to remind you that that’s what you said you wanted? It was your idea to – And then you decided you wanted to break it off without warning. That’s – that’s fine; if you don’t want to be with me any longer, I – I guess I have to understand. We always said it was going to be a casual thing, right? But then you start avoiding me, and now it’s like…you don’t even want to be friends anymore!”_

_“It’s not that!” she argued, though it was basically exactly like that. “It’s…it’s complicated.”_

_“Well, can you explain it to me? Because you were the one who said that the most important rule is to remember that we’re friends first. That was your rule. Remember?”_

_She sucked in a deep breath. “I did,” she agreed. “I did say that.”_

_“So what is this? Is this because of Eddie?”_

_“No! Of course not! Why would –”_

_He cut her off. “So why can’t we be friends anymore?”_

_She gave a quick, hard shake of her head. “We’re friends. Of course we’re friends!”_

_“Iris…you won’t talk to me. I can barely get you to even look at me. How can we be friends?” She flinched because she knew there was nothing she could say. She tried to look at him, to prove his statement was a lie, but she couldn’t, and that somehow hurt more than she already did. Instead, she stared at his chest. He continued, “I just want to go back to what we used to be. Before any of this happened. Can we do that?”_

_“I don’t know,” she admitted in a whisper._

_If she’d been looking at his face, she would have seen him wince. “Please, Iris. Talk to me!”_

_Iris sucked in a deep breath. She looked over his shoulder to see his parents on the porch, watching them, and she wondered how much they had heard. “I’m sorry. I know we need to talk, but we can’t do it right now. Tomorrow. We’ll talk tomorrow. But for right now, you have to go. This is a big night for you, and…you have to go.”_

_He met her eyes, his hand reaching towards her, but it dropped to his side before he could make contact. “Right,” he said sadly, stepping back. He took a step back, and she finally found the courage to meet his eyes. Before turning away, he said softly, “You know, it wasn’t worth it. It wasn’t worth losing you.”_

_Iris was gutted as she watched him walk back to his parents. Terrified, because it felt like it might be for the last time. She couldn’t bear to look at his parents’ faces, unsure if she would see condemnation there, so she turned away._

_She left knowing what she had to do, however. The pain that came with the knowledge that he would never love her paled in comparison to what she’d felt when he pointed out that their friendship was slipping away. She could live without his love far easier than she could live without him in her life._

_She was going to have to fix this. It was terrifying, because she knew she could lose him completely, once he knew the truth. But if she didn’t do something, it was clear she was losing him already._


	8. Chapter 8

Iris felt queasy, but she kept her composure as she walked up the steps and knocked on the door. Nobody answered for several seconds, so she was about to knock again when the door was pulled open. Patty’s eyes narrowed to slits as she stared at the woman on her doorstep. “Oh,” she greeted Iris in a clipped voice. “It’s you.”

Her smile weak, Iris replied, “Sorry to drop in on you out of the blue, and I’m sure I’m probably the last person you want to see right now. But can we talk for a minute?”

Patty sighed, leaning against her doorway. “Is this about Barry? Because if so, I’ll pass, thanks.”

“It is, but –” she began, but Patty cut her off.

“Then no. Not to be rude, but I’m not interested in whatever you have to say. There were three people in our relationship. I don’t need three people involved in our breakup.”

Before the other woman could slam the door, Iris thrust out her hand, bracing it open. “Please. I know you hate me, but –”

Patty paused. “I don’t hate you. I’m just not interested. Whatever happened between Barry and me is between Barry and me. I don’t need you to –”

“He’s still in love with you!” At her blurted words, the resistance on the other side of the door ceased, causing Iris to almost stumble forward. Taking advantage of the other woman’s surprise, Iris rushed to fill the silence between them. “That’s – I’m not trying to get involved in your relationship. I’m really not. I know you think I…that you think I got between the two of you before. Maybe I did, even if I didn’t mean to. But I just…he’s still in love with you. And I’m sorry. If I had anything to do with your breakup before, I’m sorry. I just…I don’t know. I thought you might want to know.”

After a pause, Patty released the door and asked slowly, “What do you mean, he’s still in love with me?” Her voice was cautious, confused. “How do you know?”

Iris winced, not wanting to repeat his words aloud. “I just…I just do,” she explained lamely.

“And why do you care? I would have thought you’d be thrilled we broke up. Everyone knows you’re in love with him.” At Iris’s stricken look, she clarified, “Well, everyone but Barry, maybe.”

She sucked in a sharp breath. “Maybe I do love him, but that – that means I want him to be happy. He was happy with you. And I think you were happy with him. I just – I just want him to – to be happy. Please. I’m not going to ask you to give him another shot, because that’s up to you. But will you at least talk to him?”

Patty was quiet, thoughtful. Finally, she spoke. “And if I do, you’ll stay out of it? Whatever happens?”

The breath she’d taken left her in a whoosh. “Yes,” she said in relief. “I promise.”

Her gaze dropped to the ground, and she seemed to consider Iris’s words. “All right,” she agreed slowly. “I guess I’ll talk to him.”

Iris’s face broke into a relieved smile. “Thank you. You won’t regret it. I promise.”

Looking up at her, Patty asked, “Will you?” But Iris didn’t answer as she turned to leave. Watching Barry and Patty together again would hurt, but she consoled herself with the knowledge that she was doing the right thing. Surely, his happiness would be worth it. If he was happy, how could she find anything to regret?

* * *

Barry and his parents had barely sat down to breakfast the next morning before his mom brought up Iris. Frankly, he was a little surprised it took her so long. “So,” she began, pretending to peruse the menu. “About what happened last night…” Her voice trailed off. 

Freezing, he asked slowly, “What about it?” Nora looked at him over the line of her glasses, her expression making it clear she’d hoped he would tell her what was going on without making her pry. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Henry asked softly, taking his wife’s hand.

He wasn’t sure he did, but he also knew that he would have to talk about it sometime. If this really was the end of their friendship, as he feared, his parents would wonder why. Choosing his words carefully, he explained, “Iris and I…things didn’t work out.” After a pause, he sighed. “How much did you hear?”

Henry and Nora exchanged glances. “We didn’t hear anything you didn’t want us to hear, honey,” his mother finally replied. 

So. They’d heard everything, then. But they were willing to pretend they hadn’t, if that’s what he wanted. “Then I guess you’ve figured out that we weren’t really dating. I mean, our relationship was…it wasn’t serious. Iris decided it was time to end it, is all.” With a grimace, he put his menu aside and added, “I’m in love with her. I never fooled myself into thinking that she fell in love with me.”

Silence fell across the table, broken only when the waitress approached and took their order. When they were alone again, Barry noticed the looks his parents were exchanging. “What?” he asked, unable to stand it anymore.

Henry shot his wife a quick glance and then explained, “I’m not…I’m not sure true. When we saw Iris last night, she looked…” His voice trailed off. Barry leaned forward, desperate to know what his dad had been about to say.

“Shattered,” Nora finished in a soft voice. “She looked shattered.”

A frown furrowing his brow, Barry leaned back in his chair. “But…I don’t understand. She’s the one who decided to end it. Why would she be upset if this was her choice?”

He had been speaking as much to himself as to them, but they answered anyway. Henry took a sip of his coffee and then braced his elbows on the table, leaning in. “Son, you know your mother and I were friends for years before we started to date, but did I ever tell you how that happened?”

Confused by the apparent change of topic, Barry looked to his mom, only to see her blush and duck her head. “Oh, god,” she said on a small laugh, her voice embarrassed. 

“You don’t have to tell me,” he interjected. “I mean, if you don’t –” His mom smiled and waved away his concern, silently encouraging Henry to continue.

“Nora and I grew up down the street from each other. We were teenagers when we first realized there was more between us than friendship –”

“Junior high,” Nora supplied with a nod, taking a sip of her juice. “The field trip. I sprained my ankle right after we arrived, and you pretended to be sick and missed out on the whole trip so I didn’t have to be alone.”

Henry and Nora shared a loving look at the memory. The lines of his face deepened with his smile as he turned his attention back to his son. “But we didn’t go on our first date until our junior year of college.”

Barry frowned, processing that admission. “But why? If you guys knew that you were in love with each other –?”

His mom cleared her throat. “Because I was afraid. I didn’t think that’s how relationships worked. You hear stories of high school sweethearts, but how often does that work out? The boy you date in junior high isn’t the one you marry, and I was afraid we would ruin our friendship.”

He considered that statement. “So then, why did you agree to go out in college?” he asked finally.

Nora glanced at Henry, squeezing his hand as she explained, “Well, I realized that I could hold on to our friendship because it was safe, but I had to accept what I would be giving up if I did. I realized Henry wouldn’t wait forever.” His dad interjected that he absolutely would have waited on her for as long as it took, but she carried on, “And I realized I couldn’t bear the thought of him marrying someone else one day when I wanted him to marry me. Loving him was worth the risk.”

“And you think – you think Iris –” Barry began, but his voice trailed off.

Henry shook his head. “We don’t know what’s going on with Iris, son. Just remember that things aren’t always straightforward. If Iris tells you that she doesn’t love you, then that’s that. You’ll just have to accept it and move on. But from what we saw last night…remember that there can be more going on, and you won’t know until you talk to her.”

* * *

Barry was sitting at his desk, staring with unseeing eyes at the textbook open in front of him. After his parents left, he’d tried to turn his attention to studying, but their words kept racing around his mind. Was it possible there was something Iris wasn’t telling him, something that would explain her behavior? Could she be scared, like his mother had been, or was that just wishful thinking?

Since he knew it was what he wanted to believe, he cautioned himself against believing it too readily. He could just be setting himself up for more pain. As he reminded himself of that one more time, he heard a knock on the door and absently stood to answer it.

“Patty!” he greeted his guest in surprise as she brushed past him into the room. “What are you – this is a surprise,” he corrected himself quickly, not wanting to seem rude.

“Barry, we need to talk,” she said firmly, turning to face him. Her arms were crossed over her chest, and she looked at him in calm determination.

Nodding automatically, he chose his words carefully. “Of course. Um, how can I help you?” They’d seen each other a couple of times since the breakup – most recently at the party at his professor’s house. Patty wasn’t going to be a lab assistant, but she was doing work for one of the other professors in the department over the summer. It was likely the two of them would see each other on occasion for that reason, and so they’d both agreed to try not to let their personal history get in the way.

She started to pace, though it seemed more due to excess energy than uncertainty or nervousness. “Iris came to see me today,” she began.

That was the last thing he’d expected to hear, and he fell back into his chair. “She – wait, she did? Why? What did she – why?”

Patty threw him a wry smile. “She told me you’re still in love with me. Which was something of a surprise, because as you know, I’m pretty sure you never loved me to begin with.”

Barry was shocked by the first part of her admission, but he winced at the second. “Patty, that’s not –”

Waving one hand, she dismissed his protest. “I know, I know. You told me before. You do care about me, but blah blah blah. I’m not here to relive our breakup. I’m here because I have something to tell you.” At Barry’s slightly anxious, expectant look, she stopped in her tracks and turned to him. “Barry…I don’t love you, and I don’t want to get back together with you.”

Given his feelings for Iris, he wasn’t sorry to hear it. However, he was more than a little surprised. With a slight shake of his head, he leaned back in his chair. “Oh,” he finally managed, mentally trying to catch up to the conversation. Needless to say, this was the last thing he’d expected. Then again, he’d been prepared for absolutely nothing Patty had said to him thus far.

“You know, ever since our breakup, I’ve been so mad at you. Well, you and Iris. I can’t imagine that’s much of a surprise.”

“Iris wasn’t –”

Patty rolled her eyes, cutting him off. “Barry, don’t take this the wrong way, but if you try to tell me that Iris had nothing to do with our breakup _one more time_ , I will not be responsible for my actions. Maybe she didn’t mean to be, and maybe you didn’t mean for her to be. But you and I both know that we didn’t work out because you’re in love with her and have been since before we met. I would really appreciate it if you wouldn’t act like I’m crazy for seeing that.”

Swallowing, he nodded. “Okay. You’re right. I’m sorry.”

Breathing out a heavy sigh, she relaxed a little. “Thank you. So, anyway, as I was saying. I’ve been really mad at you, and I’ve spent so much time thinking about what might have been and wishing things had been different. I’ve spent so much time thinking about what I would do if you came to me and asked to try again. Needless to say, begging featured prominently in my imagination.” She threw him a fleeting smile. “But when Iris told me that you’re still in love with me, I didn’t feel the way I imagined I would. I wasn’t relieved. I wasn’t even happy. I was…disappointed.”

Barry wasn’t sure if he should say anything. Anything that came to mind seemed self-serving, at best. “Oh. Um, okay,” he finally managed.

She shrugged and began to pace again. “I’ve been thinking about it all morning, trying to figure out why. And what I’ve come to realize is that I haven’t been mourning you or our actual relationship. I’ve mourned the relationship I wanted us to have. But that’s just not reality.”

She stopped pacing again, putting her hands on her hips. “I’ve been so angry all this time, and I thought it was because we broke up. But it’s really because you were never the boyfriend I wanted you to be. So when Iris told me you were still in love with me and told me we should get back together…well, I realized, that’s not what I want. I want to be in a relationship with someone who it totally in love with me. I don’t want to be someone’s consolation prize anymore.”

He opened his mouth to argue, but he closed it again without saying a word. Her words hurt to hear, but were they really untrue? He hadn’t intended to treat her like a consolation prize, but as much as he’d come to care about her, he’d always known his love for her didn’t come close to what he felt for Iris. He hadn’t been fair to her, and he’d known it. With a small smile, he agreed, “And you deserve that. I really want that for you.”

Her eyes narrowed, she considered his words, seemingly suspicious that he was telling the truth. After a moment, her shoulders sagged in relief, and she stopped next to him, leaning back against his desk. “You know, I don’t actually think you still love me. I don’t know why Iris came to see me today. I don’t know if she’s confused, or if things didn’t work out between the two of you and you’ve been wondering what if.” With a small, derisive laugh, she added, “And part of me still wants the two of you to die miserable and alone. But I’m pretty sure that feeling will pass. Eventually. Maybe. I won’t say I hope the two of you work it out, but I will say that I hope nobody else is ever put into the position I was in, knowing they’re a second choice.”

“I know I was never fair to you, but please believe that I never meant to hurt you,” he told her softly.

She sighed. “I know. Well, I know most of the time. I guess you could say I know that’s true, and at some point, I’m sure I’ll even be able to believe it.” They were both silent for a long moment, and then she asked, “So, we good? I just want to make sure we’re both on the same page. We aren’t going to get back together, and it’s time to move on. I don’t know that we’ll ever be friends, but maybe one day. Okay?”

He nodded. “Yeah. I do want you to be happy one day, Patty. I mean that.”

She smiled and headed towards the door. “Thanks.” With a slight laugh, she admitted, “Part of me wants that for you too. See you later, Barry.”

“See you,” he said absently as the door closed behind her. He was glad she seemed to be moving on, but he put her out of his mind almost as soon as she was gone. There was one thing that kept bothering him, however. Why had Iris gone to see Patty? Why had she told her he was still in love with her? 

Shoving away from the desk, he stood and headed towards the door. There was only one way he was going to find out. He needed to talk to Iris, and this time, he hoped she wouldn’t run away or avoid him. He was afraid he’d never be able to move on until he knew the truth.

* * *

“Linda, you can’t start off your essay like that,” Iris pointed out with a surprised laugh as she nodded at the screen. At her friend’s incredulous look, she read aloud, “’Almost all the characters in this book are dumbasses’? Really?”

Linda frowned. “But they were!” When Iris just threw her a bemused look, she grumbled, “Okay, fine.” 

Iris continued to read as her friend began to type. “’The little sister was just a twit’? Oh my god, Linda. Are you _trying_ to fail this class?” 

Her friend huffed, leaning back in her chair, and gave Iris a beleaguered look. “No, I’m just being honest!”

“Well, maybe you can be honest without being so…blunt?” Iris suggested. 

Linda groaned audibly, but she deleted the sentences on her screen. “Got you to smile, at least, she muttered in an undertone. 

Iris responded by wrapping an arm around her neck, giving her a quick hug from behind. “I know. Thank you for that.” 

She straightened and was about to give Linda more advice to tackle her essay when her door opened and Barry burst in. “Iris, I need to talk to – oh. Hey, Linda,” he greeted her weakly as he lurched to a halt. “Sorry. Am I interrupting –?”

“Nope!” Linda blurted, shooting to her feet and darting towards the door, narrowly avoiding Iris’s desperate grab. “Absolutely not! You’re not interrupting anything at all! In fact, I was just about to go get Kara’s thoughts on my ‘Jane Austen characters are all dumbasses’ theory, so we’re good.”

Iris snorted. “Oh, really?” he asked skeptically. She was willing to bet money that Kara had never called anyone a dumbass in her entire life. She would probably blush hard enough to spontaneously combust at the very thought. “Remember, it’s not all of them! The younger sister is just a twit!”

“Right. The younger sister is a twit!” Linda agreed as she raced out the door, slamming it behind her. 

As an awkward moment between them after Linda’s departure, Barry and Iris stared at each other. Finally, he spoke, breaking the silence. “Patty came to see me today,” he blurted. A look of surprise crossed his face, as though even he couldn’t believe what he’d just said.

“Oh? Why’s that?” she asked lightly, turning to clean up the books that she had scattered around her desk and bed. 

“We talked about whether or not we should get back together,” he explained carefully.

Iris nodded. “And how’d that go? You guys work everything out?”

She kept her focus on her task so she wouldn’t look at him when he said, “Yeah, actually. It was a nice talk. I think we finally cleared the air about some things we’d been avoiding for a long time. I think we’re finally on the same page.”

They’d worked things out. It was what she’d wanted, but she felt her stomach twist nevertheless. Ignoring the feeling, she braced herself. This was it. She could do this. Heaven knew she had plenty of practice. Pasting a wide grin on her face, she abandoned her books and turned to face him. “Barry, that’s fantastic! Oh my god, I’m so happy for you both! You know, now that you guys are back together, you should throw a party. You know, since things didn’t exactly go according to plan last time. We can celebrate the –”

“We’re not back together,” he interjected, cutting her off.

That was the last thing she’d expected. Her eyes wide, Iris looked at him, aghast. “What? But…but no. But you…she…” she stammered lamely.

“Iris, why did you go to see her? Why did you tell her I still love her?” he seemed frustrated, but mostly he just sounded confused. 

“What? I – I –” 

“I’ve told you why we broke up. Things just didn’t work out between us. Why don’t you believe that?”

“But – but you – she –”

“I just don’t get it, Iris! You avoid me all this time. You won’t talk to me. I can barely even get you to return my texts! And then you decide to go to my ex-girlfriend and tell her I’m still in love with her?” 

“I just –”

“So why? What is going on? Why would you tell Patty I still love her?”

“Because you told me you were!” she finally exploded, interrupting his monologue. 

That seemed to get his attention, because he fell silent and stared at her with wide eyes. “Wh-what?” he finally breathed.

Rubbing her arms, she took a step back, her gaze falling to the floor. “You – you told me you were still in love with her.”

He blew out a long breath. “When – when did I do that?” he asked, confused.

Iris shook her head. “The weekend I went to see my dad. You were at Cisco’s party? You were drunk, and you called me. Well, you were trying to call Patty, actually, since you called me by her name. You said – you said you loved me. Her, I mean. You fell in love the day you met, and you’ve loved Patty ever since.” She bit her lower lip to stop her rambling and waited for Barry to speak.

“I – I said all that?” he asked. “I don’t underst – wait. So this is why you broke up with me? I mean, ended our friends with benefits relationship? Because of what I said?” 

Blinking away tears she didn’t want him to see, she shrugged and tried to play it off. “You told me you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me, but you meant her. What was I supposed to do? I know we were never supposed to be serious, but that doesn’t mean I wanted to get in the way of that.”

He was quiet as he processed what she said, and then he let out a bark of laughter. “I can’t believe it. God, I’m such an idiot.”

Iris winced and chafed the skin on her upper arms. Raising her eyes to his face, she whispered, “Don’t laugh at me, Barry. Please.”

Just as quickly as he’d started to laugh, he stopped. His face falling, he raced forward, resting his palms on her arms. “Oh god, Iris, no. I’m not – I’m not laughing at you. I’m sorry. I’m really not. I’m just – I can’t believe that all of this was my fault. Iris, everything I said was true.” She shifted backwards, but he ducked down in an attempt to meet her eyes. “But I was talking about you.”

Jerking out of his embrace, Iris glowered up at him. “You don’t have to lie to make me feel better, you know. You called me by her name.”

Barry shook his head. “I don’t know why I said her name, but I know for a fact I couldn’t have thought I was talking to her. Falling in love the day we met? Wanting to spend the rest of our lives together? I never felt that way about Patty. It’s why we broke up. I’ve only ever felt that way about you.”

He must have seen the skepticism on her face, because he continued, “Iris that first day that we met…in Comp 101. I’d gotten lost, so I was running late. I felt like such an idiot, and I looked around desperately for somewhere to sit. You were in that desk by the window, wearing those torn up jeans and that little white crop top? You know, with the lace?” He gestured vaguely at his torso like that would somehow clarify the shirt in question. “You were kind of smiling as you wrote something in your notebook, and you looked up at me. You were just…you were the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen.

“I fell in love with you. Maybe not that moment. Maybe it was later. The next week, when you walked into class and I waved, knocking my coffee into my bag. You laughed and helped me clean it up, and you were just…you were so sweet. I knew I was falling in love with you.”

“But you – you never said –”

“I asked you out on a date once, you know.”

She shook her head. “No. No, you didn’t. If you’d asked me out on a date, I’d remember,” she retorted in a firm voice.

He shrugged. “Well, I did. I’d spent the whole class psyching myself up to do it. I was so nervous. I asked you if you wanted to grab dinner that weekend, maybe go see a movie. I was such a wreck when it came time to go meet you. I probably changed my clothes six times. I was so excited, and then I showed up, and you were there, and I just –”

“But we didn’t – that wasn’t a date! That was – I remember that night! It was the night –” she broke off, horrified as she recalled the night in question.

He threw her a wry smile. “The night I met Patty. Right. You showed up, Patty in tow, and you were so obviously determined to set us up. I figured you were telling me you weren’t interested. Letting me down easily. So I tried to move on. But I couldn’t. I loved you back then. I love you now.”

“You love me?” she whispered.

Pressing his forehead against hers, he murmured, “Oh, Iris. I love you so much.”

Iris was staggered. It was everything she’d ever wanted to hear, but it seemed too good to be true. Even as she felt a rush of happiness, part of her wondered if the rug was about to be pulled out from under her again. Stepping forward, she admitted in a voice barely above a whisper, “But I wasn’t trying to send you a message! That wasn’t it at all! I knew I was in love with you, but I thought it was just me.”

Barry’s straightened, his quick bark of laughter breathless, disbelieving. “You love me?” he asked. “Really?” 

She blushed, ducking her head even as she slowly wrapped her arms around his neck. “Well…yeah. Why do you think I tried to set you up on dates all those times? I thought you would never feel the same way, but I wanted you to be happy. So I thought –”

Before she could say more, he had her in his arms, his lips pressed against hers. The fabric of her shirt was bunched in his fist as he pulled her forward, sliding his other hand against the small of her back. “Sorry,” he breathed against her mouth as he finally broke off the kiss. “I’ve just wanted to do that for a while.”

Iris’s hands clenched his shoulders, then slid down his chest to his sides. She couldn’t stay still. She held onto him like she was afraid he’d disappear if she let go. “Yeah, me too,” she admitted, dragging him down for another kiss. “I know it wasn’t very fair of me to avoid you like I did. I just wasn’t sure how I could go back to pretending like it didn’t hurt to be close to you and love you so much when I knew – or rather, I thought – you wanted to be with someone else.”

His face grew grave. “I am so sorry that I made you feel like that. If I’d only known…I could have said something sooner...”

Her smile was tremulous as she admitted, “It wasn’t just you. I could have said something, too. I guess we’re both a bit of a mess, huh?” He laughed, and she leaned forward to brush a kiss against his jaw. “So what do we do now?” she asked breathlessly. She was nervous. Trembling. Wanting so bad to believe, but still a little scared. For so long, she’d been convinced that Barry didn’t love her and never would. While that thought had so much sorrow, there was also some comfort to it. At least she’d known she could never lose him. “I mean, we’ve been friends. We’re been friends with benefits. So what are we now?”

He was grinning, and it was impossible not to smile back at him. “I don’t know,” he admitted. “I guess we figure it out.”

“But…you’re sure? I mean, you’re sure about this?” she asked running her fingers through his hair.

“You aren’t?” he asked, his smile slipping just a fraction.

“No, that’s not it at all!” she rushed to reassure him. “I believe it, it’s just…it’s a lot to process, you know? And in the end, if something were to happen – not that I’m saying it _will_ , but if it _did_ – I guess…you can go from friends with benefits back to being just friends. Eventually. If you weren’t already hopelessly in love before you even began. But you can’t exactly downgrade from boyfriend to exclusive booty call. If something goes wrong, I mean. It’s a pretty big risk.”

He seemed to consider her words. Then he took a step back, grabbing her hand to pull her towards the bed. Sitting on the edge, he jerked his head to the side and murmured, “Come here.”

Iris climbed into bed next to him as he lay back against the pillows and pulled her against him. Then, his arms wrapped around her, he stroked her back as she rested her head against his chest, comforted by the steady beat of his heart. “It’s a lot to risk,” he finally agreed. “Except…the thing is…if we don’t do this, then one day, you’re going to move on. And I don’t know that I can bear to watch you marry someone else one day when I’m pretty sure I’m going to want you to marry me. So maybe it’s worth it.”

Iris caught her breath, lifting her head off his chest. “You want to –”

He grinned and surprised her by leaning down and pressing a soft kiss against the tip of her nose. “Yup. Since pretty much the day we met. But we’re just getting used to the idea that we’ve been in love with each other all along. That can wait. We have all the time in the world.”

* * *

They spent the rest of the evening together, wrapped in each other’s arms, but they didn’t make love that night. They’d come close. At one point, their kisses had gotten out of control, and Iris had moaned as Barry lifted himself over her, scraping the soft skin of her neck with his teeth. But then he’d reluctantly pulled away. 

_“You don’t want to?” she’d asked softly, unable to hide her disappointment as she tried to catch her breath._

_His laugh was pained. “Of course I want to. But this is important. I want to get this right. If we do this now, I’m afraid it’ll feel like we’re friends with benefits again. I want this to be…special.”_

She wasn’t sure what would make it special, but she’d fallen asleep in his arms that night. When she awoke the next morning, she was alone. Her phone chirped with an incoming text, and she realized that was what had woken her. She yawned as she rolled over to check her messages.

_“Sorry I left before you woke up. I had to take care of some things.”_

Then, a minute later:

_“Go on a date with me tonight? It can be our first official date.”_

Pursing her lips in thought, she wrote back, _“It’s not weird to go on a first date after everything?”_

_“It’s never too late to go on a first date.”_ After a second, this text was followed by another. _“8:00? I can come pick you up.”_

With a smile, she wrote out her response. _“I’ll see you then.”_


	9. Chapter 9

At loose ends until their date that evening, Iris knew she would never be able to concentrate on her upcoming exams. She didn’t want to waste the entire day, however, so she turned her attention to cleaning her room instead. She started by straightening her things – filing away old papers, shelving unneeded books. She had grabbed a broom and was waging war against the dust bunnies under her bed when her hip knocked against her nightstand, sending a framed photograph clattering to the ground.

Iris winced, hoping the glass didn’t break, as she bent to retrieve the picture. Thankfully, it was unharmed, and she swept away a spot of dust with her thumb as she smiled at the image it held. She loved this picture of herself with Barry. It was one of her favorites, in fact. They were sitting on the front steps to the sorority building. Arms linked, Iris leaned forward, her mouth opened wide on a laugh. Barry was looking at her, a pleased smile on his face, his eyes soft.

Setting her broom aside, Iris frowned down at the picture, a slight line creasing her brow. She was excited for the date ahead, but she was nervous, too. Good intentions aside, they were risking a lot. The most important friendship she’d ever had. What if something went wrong?

Replacing the picture in its place of honor, Iris pulled her phone out of her back pocket as she sunk onto her mattress. She opened her file of pictures and began to scroll through them, her smile growing as she flipped from one picture to the next. Barry was in so many of them – but, then, that wasn’t exactly a surprise. He was in all her happiest memories.

She was still flipping through pictures when her phone buzzed with an incoming text message.

She wasn’t surprised when she saw it was from Barry. _“Looking forward to tonight?”_

_“Of course. You?”_

_“Absolutely! I’m a little nervous, though, too. Aren’t you?”_

Her breath escaped with a whoosh. It made her feel better, somehow, to know he was nervous too, but now she had something new to worry about. _“A little. You’re not changing your mind, though?”_

 _“NO!”_ She let out a breathless little laugh when she received his response. Then he continued, _“Ever since we met, when I think of my future, you’re in it. I just want tonight to be perfect for you. For us.”_

Pursing her lips slightly, Iris considered her phone in silence. She thought about her fears. Her memories. A future with him. She had an idea, and before she could second-guess herself, she jumped to her feet and texted him back, _“There’s something I want to show you. Can you come over a little early tonight? At 6?”_

Three dots signaled that he was typing. They disappeared for a moment, then they returned. _“I’ll see you then.”_

Iris glanced at her phone before slipping it back into her pocket. She didn’t have a lot of time. Grabbing a notebook off her shelf, she jotted down a quick list. Pausing long enough to read it over, she hesitated and added two more entries to the list. When she was satisfied, she raced to Felicity’s room and knocked quickly on the door. After a moment, Felicity threw it open.

“I need your help,” Iris blurted before the other woman could say anything.

Lying on the bed, Oliver groaned. “We aren’t going to have to pretend to break up again, are we?”

Felicity grimaced and then blurted, “Um…what? P-pretend to break up? We didn’t pretend! That was – um – totally real. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about.”

Iris rolled her eyes. “You really are the worst actors in the world, you know that?” she teased her friend. “But it’s okay. If you hadn’t done what you did, Barry and I might not be together right now. Anyway, that’s not what I need right now. I need a diversion.”

Oliver seemed interested, as he raised his head off Felicity’s pillow. “Oh, yeah?” he asked.

Iris handed over the list she’d made. “Yeah. I need you to keep Barry away from these areas – and out of his dorm room – until our date. Think you can keep him busy until I text you?”

“Uh, sure,” Felicity responded as she read over the piece of paper. “I think so. Why? What’s up?”

Grinning, Iris turned to leave. There was still so much to do. “Not much. I’m just going to show Barry the future.”

* * *

Barry was going over his plan for that evening in his mind, trying to make sure everything would be perfect, when there was a frantic knocking on the door. He opened it to find Felicity and Oliver on the other side. “Hey, guys. Is everything okay?” 

“Yes! Of course! We’re just here because, um –” Felicity paused as she and Oliver exchanged glances.

“She needs help with a computer project,” Oliver finished.

Felicity looked at him in stunned betrayal. “I do?” At his shrug, she sighed heavily and agreed, “I do. I thought maybe you could help. Want to go with me to the lab?”

Barry frowned at the two of them. “We can’t do it here?”

Groaning, she protested, “No! I mean, I don’t think so. We need…um…a certain program. I don’t think you’ll have it.” But when she named it, he nodded.

“No, I have that. Come on in.” He could swear he saw them exchange another look as he stepped back, letting them into the room.

“Oh, I-I’m not sure –” Felicity began slowly, approaching his computer with something distinctly approaching dread. She looked at her boyfriend with wide eyes, and he grimaced and shrugged in response. Though he was confused by their behavior, Barry was happy to have a distraction to keep him from obsessing over his date that night. 

As he booted up his computer, Oliver coughed and glanced around the room. “Hey, water! Mind if I have a sip?” he asked, picking up a mug on Barry’s nightstand.

“Well, that’s –” Barry began as Oliver picked up the mug. Before he could offer to get him a new cup, his friend turned. He took a step towards the computer and tripped, throwing the water all over Barry’s laptop. Yelping in alarm, Barry jumped to his feet, looking around desperately for a cloth to dry his computer. Felicity raced to unplug the machine and remove the battery so it wouldn’t fry. “What the hell, Ollie?” he cried.

“Oh – oh god. Barry, I – If anything has happened to your computer, Oliver will totally buy you a new one!” Felicity promised as she helped clean up the mess. “That was drastic,” she grumbled, glowering at her boyfriend as she grabbed a shirt on the back of the chair, which she used as another towel.

“Drastic?” 

“Did I say drastic? I meant an accident.” Wincing, she stared at his laptop. “Still, I don’t think we should try to turn it on for a while. Just to be safe.”

Leaning back in his chair, he asked, “Oliver, did you just pour water on my computer on purpose?”

“What? No! Of course not!” his friend protested. “I’m just – I’m nervous. About tonight.” He shot Felicity a desperate look. 

Nodding, she rushed to fill the silence that fell between them. “That’s right! I’m meeting his mom tonight. For the first time. We’re a little nervous about it.”

Barry frowned. “Didn’t you go to her birthday dinner a few months ago?”

She gulped. “What? No! I mean yes. I guess I did. But, um, that doesn’t count. All those people, you know?” He really didn’t, but he had a feeling no amount of explanation would help so he let it go. “Anyway,” she continued, “we’re getting together for a private dinner tonight. Just the three of us. Well, four if his sister comes along. And I’m nervous about it. You know, you could help. I needed to…uh…find a dress. Something appropriate to wear. Maybe you could help?”

Now it was Barry’s turn to exchange a look with Oliver. “Me? Huh? You don’t know anyone else that could help you with that? Iris or one of your sorority sisters?”

She shook her head. “No, no. I think you’re perfect for the job. You’re so good with mothers. Come on, we’re friends. You can help, right? We really need to get going.”

“But what about your computer project?” he asked as she pulled him to his feet. 

“Oh, that? It’ll be okay. Come on,” she demanded, all but dragging him to the door. Barry shot a desperate look at Oliver, but his friend just shook his head. There would be no help from that quarter.

* * *

Barry finally escaped Felicity and Oliver with ten minutes to spare for his date. He didn’t even have time to get changed. He’d tried to break away several times before, but every time, they’d found some reason to keep him around, dragging him from one store to the other. Until Felicity got a text and suddenly remembered she didn’t need a dress after all. She’d ushered Barry back out to Oliver’s car and the two of them drove him back to the sorority house just in time to arrive for his date.

He would have asked what that had all been about, but he couldn’t afford to be late. Wishing he’d at least had time to rush home to change, he jogged up the stairs to Iris’s dorm. As he approached, however, he saw a photo of him and Iris taped to the door. Curious, he pulled it off and smiled at the picture of the two of them. It was an early photo of the two of them at a Halloween party the sorority sisters had thrown shortly after they’d met. Barry was come as a mad scientist (the best he could pull together on short notice), while Iris was dressed as a police officer.

Curious about its presence on her door, Barry flipped it over to read the note on the back.

_Barry –_

_I have something I want to show you. Come to the place we met._

He wasn’t sure what this was about, but if Iris wanted him to go to the classroom where they’d first met, he wasn’t going to protest. Keeping hold of the photograph, he jogged away from Iris’s door, heading towards the classroom in question.

He walked as quickly as possible the couple of blocks to the building and then jogged upstairs to the classroom. The door was locked, but there was another photograph taped to the door. This one was also taken shortly after they met. Barry and Iris had been assigned to work on a group project together and had taken to a grassy area referred to as the Lawn to tackle it. After they’d finished, Iris had jokingly insisted they take a photo to commemorate the moment. It wasn’t the best selfie they’d ever taken together, but he still smiled when he saw it because it reminded him of that day.

 _“In the mood for some coffee?”_ He’d flipped over the photograph to find more writing on the back. Getting into the game, Barry grinned and spun on his heel, racing back through the door. He wasn’t sure what Iris was up to, but he was happy to play along.

Barry was still smiling as he flew through the front door to the coffee shop, though it slipped a little when he looked around and saw no sign of his date. He wasn’t sure what he was supposed to do. The coffee shop was packed, every seat taken, but nobody paid him any attention. Surely the trail of breadcrumbs couldn’t stop here?

Lacking another idea, he headed to the counter. It was a long shot, but maybe she’d seen Iris and could give him a clue. As he approached the register, the barista stepped out from behind the pastry case. “Hey, what can I – oh, it’s you!” 

Thrown by her greeting, he nodded. “Uh…yes?” he managed in a feeble tone.

Her friendly smile widened. “Your friend left something for you. Hold on. Now where did we…oh, yes. Here it is.” She slid something out from the stack of papers beside the register and handed it over. “Don’t suppose you’ll tell me what this is all about? She was pretty vague.”

“I-I’m not quite sure, but when I find out, I’ll let you know,” he admitted, stepping to the side so that she could help the customer. It was another photograph, of course. He allowed himself a moment to take in the picture she’d left him this time. It was a group shot – Barry and Iris were with a group of students from class as they studied together for exams. They were sitting around some tables that had been pushed together at the coffee house, mugs and napkins littering the surface. He didn’t remember who had taken the picture, but though they were surrounded by people, Barry and Iris seemed to be sharing a private moment. The photographer caught them as they looked up and caught each other’s eye across the table. In the smile they exchanged in the photo, nobody else might have existed.

He stroked his finger across her cheek, and then he flipped the photo over to read the message he knew he’d find. _“Snakes. Why’d it have to be snakes?”_

Barry laughed, shoving his way through the crowd to the door. Their favorite movie theater – where he had taken Iris to see dozens of movies, including the Indiana Jones film she had quoted – was only a few blocks away. When he reached the theater, he saw something tucked into the corner of one of the movie posters on display. Another photo.

In it, he and Iris were dressed up – he’d dragged her to a midnight Tim Curry marathon. He’d dressed up as Wadsworth, and he’d convinced Iris to dress up with him. She’d chosen Miss Scarlet, and he could only be grateful that she hadn’t chosen Yvette in the French maid costume.

Before flipping over the photo, he paused to think about the places and photos she’d left for him thus far. The place where they’d met. Their regular coffee shop. Their favorite movie theater. She was obviously sending him on a tour of their greatest hits, but why?

He wasn’t going to figure it out by standing on the sidewalk. He had no doubt that this trail of breadcrumbs was leading to Iris, and he couldn’t wait to see her. _“Come to the place where you threw your first party. Stop sign on the corner.”_

It was some distance away, but when he turned around, he saw Oliver’s car on the curb. Felicity waved a hand out the passenger window to get his attention, and Barry jumped in to the back seat. “Iris texted. Said to meet you here; you might need a ride,” she explained.

“Did she tell you what all this is about?” he asked.

“Nope. Where to?” Ollie asked, throwing the car back into view. He gave the address as the car pulled into traffic. A few minutes later, Oliver pulled to the curb a few houses down from Patty’s house. Though Barry and his ex-girlfriend seemed to have come to an understanding, that didn’t mean he wanted to risk rubbing salt into the wound. No doubt that was why Iris had told him to come to the stop sign on the corner near her house, instead of going to the house itself.

Oliver reassured him that he’d wait as Barry jumped out of the car and knelt by the stop sign. There was a rock at the base of the pole, holding down something in a Ziploc bag. The photo rested face down, but he flipped it over to see the picture before reading her message.

He sucked in a breath when he saw the photo in question. It had been taken the night of Linda’s end of year bash. Iris had her arm around his waist, and his hand was on her lower back. He was grinning at the camera, but Iris was staring up at him with a soft smile. He’d never seen the picture before, but if he had, he suspected he would have realized her feelings sooner. Her heart was in her eyes, and his heart twisted at the sight.

 _“Come to our favorite section of the library. You know the one.”_ Hoping he wasn’t blushing, Barry darted back to the car and jumped in, directing Oliver back to the school. As the car pulled away from the curb, raindrops spattered against the windshield. Felicity groaned, but Barry didn’t mind. After all this time, a little rain wasn’t going to deter him from finding Iris.

It took him a couple minutes to make his way into the library and up to the eleventh floor. He ran so hard that he was a little out of breath by the time he got to the encyclopedias. His heart fell a little when he realized she wasn’t there. Instead, another photograph poked out between two books, and Barry grabbed it with shaking hands.

Barry and Iris stood between his parents the night of his father’s award. They were all smiling at the camera. Like one happy family. He remembered how he’d felt that evening, for once not having to hide his love for Iris. And now he realized that she had shared his happiness. Like him, she had been telling the truth that evening and pretending it was a lie.

_“Come to the place where we first said I love you.”_

Were it not for the picture in his hand, he might have thought she meant her dorm. But the photo had served as a reminder of the words they’d exchanged when his parents arrived. He knew now that Iris had been trying to confess her feelings that night, but she’d gotten scared. Just as he had done.

One more trip in the car, but this time, when Oliver and Felicity dropped him off in front of the dorm, they drove off. He barely noticed; he had no doubt Iris was close, and he was occupied with thoughts of what he would do when he saw her again.

When he reached his room, however, he was surprised to see the note taped to his door. Of course, he should have realized she wouldn’t be able to get in – his door was locked. But he would have expected another photo. Instead, it was a handwritten list on a crumpled sheet of paper, the creases faded as if it had been folded and unfolded many times.

_1\. No cuddling, snuggling, or spooning.  
2\. No domesticity. No dates. Just sex. (And no calling Linda to get bail us out of jail.)  
3\. No meeting the parents.  
4\. He doesn’t love you. He doesn’t love you. He doesn’t love you.  
5\. REMEMBER PATTY._

He frowned as he skimmed the list and then turned it over. _“Remember our dance? Come meet me there.”_ He didn’t have to wonder which dance. He knew exactly what she meant. He had enough presence of mind to open his door and toss the pictures on the counter. Then he almost fell down the steps in his haste to get to her. His heart racing – and oblivious to the pouring rain – Barry flew through the door leading to the pool at a dead run.

* * *

“I didn’t expect it to be empty,” Iris admitted, drawing his attention. He spun around to face her, taking cover under an umbrella to stay out of the drizzle. 

When she met his eyes, she felt herself relax, all her nervousness draining away. “Yeah, there was a party here last week. Some guy got sick in the pool, so they drained it early. Said they were afraid it could be some kind of biohazard.”

Stepping forward, she lifted the umbrella to cover him. The rain had already wetted down his hair and shirt, making it cling distractingly to his chest. “I’m sorry I didn’t realize you were asking me out on a date back then. We lost out on so much time,” she said in a soft voice.

“It’s okay,” he said quickly. “But…Iris…what is this about? The photos and…the list?” 

Her tongue flicked against her lower lip as she tilted her head back to meet his eyes. “They were a reminder. Of the moments that brought us here today. And this list…well, that was my reminder. The rules, you know? For our friends with benefits relationship. I told myself that if I was careful, I wouldn’t really risk anything. If I stuck to those rules, our friendship would be safe. Except I don’t need it anymore.

“The thing is, in a way, I’ve still been holding onto that list because I’ve been holding on to the fear. I’ve been so scared, thinking about what could happen if…well…if something went wrong. You’re the best friend I’ve ever had, and I don’t want to lose you.” 

“Iris, you’ll never –”

She shook her head, cutting him off. “No, you don’t get it. That’s what I’m trying to say. I’m not afraid anymore.”

His gaze warm, Barry shifted his weight, lifting one hand to brush his thumb across her cheek. “What changed?” he asked in a soft voice.

Iris looped her arms around his waist. “Those pictures. I was looking at them on my phone today, and I realized…I’ve been so scared, wishing we could see the future. That we could see that it all works out. And then I realized, we already have.

“What could we possibly face together in the future that we haven’t already done? All those coffee dates and movie nights. The long nights spent studying together. That time you slipped on the ice and took the stairs outside your place on one knee. I took you to the doctor and helped you get around for a few days until your knee healed. Or the time I got the flu and was absolutely disgusting. You held my hair as I got sick and fed me chicken noodle soup until I was better.

“We already kind of dated – or pretended to. We admitted we loved each other long before we knew it wasn’t a lie. Hell, we even kind of lived together, with as much as we spent the night with each other during our friends with benefits charade.

“We may not have realized it, but we’ve known what it would be like if we were together. All this time. Even when we pretended to date other people…well, we didn’t really give those relationships a chance, did we? I always knew I’d never love anyone like I love you.”

Smiling shakily, she brushed her fingers against the back of his hand. “If we weren’t dating all this time, we did everything but. So how can I be scared of the future anymore? We’ve already seen what it’s going to be. We can go on a date tonight, but it won’t be our first. Not really. We did that a long time ago; we just didn’t realize it.”

She saw him swallow heavily. “Iris, I…” He paused, shaking his head. “I’m not scared either.” Wrapping his arms around her waist, he lifted her off her feet as he pulled her in for a kiss. Heedless of the rain, Iris dropped the umbrella as she wrapped her arms around his neck and held him tight, pulling him to her for a long kiss. For the first time, she wasn’t afraid of the future. After all, the lines of their future were already written in the story of their past. So how could she be scared anymore?

* * *

Iris woke up the next morning, her heart pounding in her chest from a nightmare that faded into nothingness in the hazy morning light. Trembling from the shadows of lingering fear, she rolled over and snuggled into Barry’s arms.

“Everything okay?” he mumbled, his voice thick with sleep.

“It’s perfect,” she breathed, letting the steady drum of his heartbeat lull her back to sleep.

* * *

“You have got to be _kidding_ me!” Iris screamed at her computer. 

Barry startled, looking up. The sudden movement drew attention to the stiffness in his neck and shoulders from too many hours spent hunched over his textbook, and he stretched to work out the kink. “What’s wrong, honey?”

“Just…this stupid…I’ve been working on this for three hours, and it’s still not right!”

She looked like she was ready to toss her computer out the window, so he got to his feet to intervene. “You know what? I think we could use a break. Both of us.”

“What? No. I-I should finish this,” she grumbled, punching her keyboard keys like she had a personal vendetta.

Stepping behind her, Barry pressed a kiss against the top of her head. “It’s not due until next week, and you’re just going to drive yourself nuts like this. Give it a couple hours and come back with fresh eyes. It might help. At the very least, it might save you the expense of a new computer.”

“What do you – oh.” She grimaced as she looked down at her keyboard. “Okay, maybe you have a point.” Pushing away from her desk, she stretched. “So what did you have in mind?”

“How about a movie night? I’ll pop some popcorn; you pick the movie.”

“Yeah? All right.”

When Barry returned from the kitchen, bag of popcorn in hand, he found Iris already curled up on the bed, waiting for him. He crawled into bed next to her, just as the opening credits to While You Were Sleeping started to play. “This again?” he teased, wrapping his arm around her shoulders and pulling her in.

“What? It’s a classic!” she protested, making a grab for the popcorn.

Barry pressed a kiss on her forehead as the movie started to play. They’d probably seen it a hundred times; he suspected he could recite it from memory by now. But he knew it made her happy, so he didn’t mind. 

Truth was, as much as he liked to tease her about her romcom addiction, he found himself getting wrapped up in them in spite of himself. When it came time for Lucy’s big confession to the family, however, he heard a soft sound and looked down to find Iris surreptitiously wiping her eyes.

“Iris? Are you okay?” he asked, placing a finger under her chin and gently tilting her head back so he could see her face.

She rolled her eyes, and he could see her blush. “Don’t laugh at me. I’m just being sappy.”

“I’m not laughing!” he protested, bending his neck to brush his lips against the curve of her cheeks, kissing her tears away. “Can I tell you a secret? The fact you cry at sappy movies is one of the things I love most about you.”

Her smile was a little shaky, her eyes still wet with tears, as she sniffled softly. “Oh, yeah? And what do you love the least?”

Barry pretended to consider it. “I don’t think I’ve found anything yet.”

She rolled her eyes and poked him in the side. “Cheater.”

He sighed, feigning defeat. “Oh, all right. Ducking down, he whispered softly, “You steal the covers.”

Sappy moment forgotten, Iris laughed and hit him with a pillow.

* * *

“We’re going to miss you, you know,” Kara said as she hugged Iris in a tight hug.

“I’m moving in with Barry, not fleeing the country!” she protested on a laugh.

Laurel wrapped her arms around both girls. “We know. But it’s not the same.” As the rest of her sorority sisters joined in the group hug, Iris sniffled softly and closed her eyes, savoring the moment. She couldn’t be happier to be taking the next step in her relationship with Barry, but she’d miss her sisters all the same.

“Now go be ridiculously happy together, okay?” 

Iris smiled, kissing her sisters on the cheek one by one before heading out the door. Barry was waiting for her, and she was looking forward to spending a romantic evening in their new apartment together.

* * *

“Um…what’s that?” Barry breathed, swallowing heavily as Iris greeted him in the doorway, wearing nothing but a lacy piece of black and orange lingerie.

She grinned. “Happy Halloween.”

Lifting her easily, Barry felt her legs wrap around his waist. As he carried her towards the bedroom, she lowered her head for a kiss. Barry sucked her lower lip into his mouth, but as they stumbled towards the bed, he asked against her mouth, “Hey, honey? You weren’t answering the door for trick or treaters like that, were you?”

Iris’s laugh was muffled by his kiss.

* * *

“What are you doing?” Barry asked, causing Iris to jump in the dim light spilling through the refrigerator.

“I was hungry! I wanted a snack!” 

“At midnight?” he asked, nodding at the pint of ice cream and bottle of chocolate syrup on the counter.

Shrugging, she grabbed the whipped cream and cherries and turned. “Want some?”

Stifling a yawn, he stepped forward and considered her sundae fixings. “That’s all you got?” At her confused look, he grinned. “We can do better than that.”

She lifted her eyebrows at him. “What did you have in mind?”

Barry started to whistle as he rooted around in the pantry, grabbing some Oreos and a jar of peanuts. He found some mini marshmallows and gummy bears above the stove. And from the shelf where they kept the spices, he grabbed a bottle of sprinkles. 

“How old are those?” she asked in chagrin as he tossed his spoils onto the counter.

“What? They don’t go bad!” She snorted in response. “Now, honey, this is how you make a chocolate sundae.”

“You’re going to make yourself sick eating all that junk.”

“You think something’s missing?” He frowned and considered his options. “Oh, I know!” Turning back to the refrigerator, he grabbed a tub of strawberries and placed them on the counter, as well. “Better?”

She rolled her eyes at him, even as she grabbed a second bowl and spoon. “I swear, you must have the metabolism of a hummingbird with the way you eat.”

As she stepped towards the counter, he moved behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist. “Come on. I’ll show you how to make a proper sundae.”

“You know, I – oh.” Her protest turned to a soft moan when he pressed a kiss against the side of her neck. “Well, if you insist.”

With a chuckle, Barry handed her a spoon. “First, start with the ice cream.” She started to spoon out some ice cream, stopping long enough to swipe some onto her fingertip. With a smile, she slipped it into his mouth. “Like that?”

“Something like that,” he breathed. “Now for the chocolate.”

She poured chocolate into their bowls, then poured some onto her finger. She felt him lean, ready to suck it into his mouth, but she swiped it against the side of her neck instead. Barry’s chuckle rumbled against her back as he followed, flicking his tongue against her skin. “This again?”

“It worked pretty well the first time,” she murmured, licking her lower lip. “So what’s next?”

With Barry’s direction, she continued making the sundaes, pausing at every step to feed him a gummy bear she held between her teeth or to swipe whipped cream against her chest. By the time she topped off their creation with fresh strawberries, he was no longer in the mood for ice cream.

“You know, this isn’t what I had in mind when I came down here,” she said on a laugh as he lifted her onto the counter.

“Are you saying you mind?” He scooped a spoonful of ice cream and held it out for her to eat.

Iris shook her head, gasping when he flipped open her robe and pressed a kiss against her stomach. “No,” she breathed. “I don’t mind.”

* * *

Iris moaned, her head rolling back as Barry teased her with his tongue. He stroked the inner curve of her thigh and hard ridge of her hip, until she bucked against him in frustration. “You know, there is one thing I kind of miss about our friends with benefits relationship.” He waited until she lifted her head from the pillow, looking down at him with wide eyes, and then he explained, “Making you beg.”

Before she could even process his words, he bent and slid his tongue between her folds, stroking her slowly and deliberately. He smiled when he heard her breath hiss between her teeth with a defiant, “N-never!”

As he lifted her hips, Iris opened herself even wider for him. Barry pressed the tip of his tongue against her clit and smiled when he felt her jerk. They’d just have to see about that.

* * *

“Oh god. Oh god. It’s totally burned. This is awful!”

“Honey, it’s okay.” Iris had ducked into the kitchen for some refuge as his parents settled in at the dinner table, and Barry had followed to comfort her.

“It is not okay! I wanted this to be perfect! What am I going to do?”

“Iris, my parents adore you. They may like you better than me. You have nothing to worry about. They aren’t going to demand we break up if everything isn’t perfect tonight.” She sniffled, and he pulled her into a hug, rubbing her back with soothing strokes.

Her voice miserable, she conceded, “We should get back in there. I guess there’s nothing we can do about it now.” 

She tried to force a smile, and Nora, Henry, and Joe pretended not to notice her misery as they took their seats around the table. “So, graduation is just around the corner. Got any big plans?” Joe asked, taking a generous helping of charred chicken before passing the platter to Barry.

“Not yet,” he replied, scooping two pieces onto his plate. “We’ve been so busy getting ready for exams, we haven’t really had much time to think about after.”

“And how’s the job hunting going?” Henry asked, as Iris stared miserably at the platter of chicken when it made its way around to her. She was trying hard not to cry – and trying even harder to hide it. 

At her son’s noncommittal answer, Nora said, “Well, you have plenty of time. You know, your father and I got married right after graduation. Sometimes I wonder what we were thinking. We had nothing to our names, really. Barely enough money for a run-down apartment. No jobs, even. But we were eager to start our lives together, so…” she trailed off with a shrug.

“So how did you manage?” Iris asked politely, trying to drown her chicken in mashed potatoes.

Nora laughed. “Oh, we made do. Help from our family. And a lot of frozen dinners, until Henry finally got his first offer. Though I suspect he missed those frozen meals once I started to cook.” 

Her fork halfway to her mouth, Iris froze and stared at the woman across the table. “What do you mean?” she asked, painfully conscious of that evening’s culinary shortcomings.

“Well, I swear I almost poisoned him at one point,” she said lightly. “I didn’t realize back then that baking soda and baking powder aren’t the same thing. In my defense, baking soda is powdery!”

Henry chuckled. “It wasn’t that bad!” he protested weakly.

Nora snorted and pulled a face. “It was dreadful. I would say it was the worst thing I’ve ever made, but there was that ham loaf once that…well, we won’t talk about that. I was just so nervous, you know? We were newlyweds, and he had just gotten his first real job. I wanted everything to be perfect, and it just didn’t work out.”

“So what did you do?” Iris asked softly, blinking back tears for reasons other than her burnt chicken. “Weren’t you upset that it wasn’t perfect?”

Nora nodded. “Of course, but it didn’t matter.” 

Henry smiled gently at Iris, cutting off a large bite and popping it into his mouth. His expression didn’t slip as he chewed and swallowed. “I ate every bite and asked for more. When you love someone, things don’t always have to be perfect. They love you anyway.”

“Baby girl, you got any more chicken over there? I could go for some seconds,” her dad interjected, and she didn’t know whether to laugh or cry when she looked over to see he’d already finished his plate.

Iris sniffled, wiping her eyes the back of one finger. “I love you guys, you know.”

“We love you, too,” Barry murmured, squeezing her hand as he slid a third piece of chicken onto his newly-cleaned plate.

* * *

Barry heard a sound behind him and turned in time for Iris to wrap her arms around his waist. “What’s this?” he asked.

She shook her head. “I just wanted a hug.” 

He grinned, pressing a kiss against the top of her head as she tucked her cheek against his chest. Then he heard a soft sound behind him. “Wait a minute…is this all a ploy? Are you…are you _stealing my cookie_?”

“Mwo,” she protested, after shoving something into her mouth. When she looked up at him again, she was still chewing, and there were crumbs at the corners of her mouth.

“I can’t believe this! _Thievery!_ ” His affronted gasp was belied by his breathless laugh as he made a grab for her, but she danced out of his reach.

“No! Payback!” she cackled as she ran away, Barry fast on her heels.

* * *

“Iris! Iris, you here?” Barry asked as he raced through the front door. 

He heard some soft thuds, and then she was standing in the bedroom door, staring at him with wide eyes. “I’m here! Barry? What is it? Is everything okay?”

As soon as he saw her, his face broke into a wide smile. “Guess what? You’re looking at the newest CSI for the Central City Police Department. They made an offer, effective immediately upon graduation!”

“Oh, my god! Really?” Running into his arms, she swept him into a deep kiss. “Babe, I’m so proud of you!”

“Yeah?” He grinned, maneuvering her back into the bedroom. “I’ve even got my first case.”

“Really? What’s that?”

“What does Iris West have on under that robe? It’s a very important case.”

She choked on a laugh, pulling him back onto the bed. “Oh, my god, my fiancé is such a dork.” 

His smile was unrepentant. “But you love me.”

“But I love you,” she agreed.

* * *

“Look! There’s one!”

Iris followed the path of his finger and gasped as she watched the shooting star arc across the sky. It was supposed to be one of the best showers of the year, and they’d driven to a wooded area in the suburbs the outskirts of town to try to get a look. “Beautiful,” she breathed.

“Do you – wait. Honey? Don’t freak out. Just take a step back. Very slowly. Step back, step back, step back…” He had tightened his arms around her stomach and was pulling her backwards towards the car.

“Barry? What?” Tearing her eyes off the sky, she looked down to see the streak of white in the darkness as it moved towards them. “A skunk?” she squeaked, tripping over his feet as she tried to scramble away.

Their legs got tangled up together, and they went down hard, Barry taking the force of the landing as she fell against his chest. “Shit. Shit!” she hissed, fumbling in her pocket. The white streak had paused, but it was still too close for comfort. When her fingers wrapped around her phone, she pulled it out and pulled up the flashlight, hoping the bright light would scare the noxious woodland creature away.

When she held up the light, however, she saw, not a skunk, but a very confused black and white cat staring at the two of them. “Oh, my god.” Struck by the ridiculousness of their situation, Iris let out a bark of laughter as she collapsed against his chest. 

“For the record, that was a skunk a minute ago,” Barry explained sheepishly. “I totally scared it away for you, honey! And then the, uh, cat showed up after.”

Still chuckling, she grinned down at him. “My hero.”

* * *

“Morning, Captain!”

“Allen, you’re late!” Singh didn’t return Barry’s smile as his newest CSI blew through the front doors to the precinct. “Wait. What is that you’re carrying?”

Barry was indeed holding a stack of newspapers, handing one to every person he passed as he made his way through the squad room. “Papers. I had to stop off at the newsstand on my way in. You want one? Here you go.”

“Okay, and why does it look like you bought every paper in a three-block radius?”

“More like five,” Barry corrected him as he handed out another paper. Then he spun back to his Captain. “Take a look! Top story, above the fold!”

“New Polling Shows Election in Dead Heat? By…ohhhh…This is her first, right?” Barry’s grin grew wider, if possible. Folding the paper again, Singh tucked it under his arm. “Well, tell Iris I said congratulations, and next time, don’t be late.” This time, however, his chastisement lacked heat.

“Thanks, Captain. Now, who needs a paper?” he asked, turning back to continue sharing the good news.

* * *

Iris laughed as Barry scooped her in his arms and carried her through the front door. “Barry! You know we’ve been married for a year, right? You don’t need to carry me over the threshold anymore!”

He grinned. “Are you sure? I could have sworn we were still newlyweds.” She rolled her eyes at him, but she was still laughing as he swept her back onto her feet. “What time do the movers get here?” They had just bought their first house together, and Iris couldn’t wait to get it in order.

“In about an hour, I think. Maybe more,” she replied, dropping her purse in the corner by the door as she stepped forward into the living room. As soon as she entered the room, she gasped. Their mattress was set up in the middle of the floor, complete with blankets and pillows. Throwing an arch look over her shoulder, she asked, “Really?”

Barry held up his hands in mock surrender, though his smile was mischievous. “Just thought we should be prepared in case they can’t make it today!” he explained.

She snorted, but something on the far wall caught her attention. Stepping forward, she scanned the photographs mounted to the wall, staggered like footsteps side by side. Her eyes skimmed the series of pictures. Barry and Iris dressed up as a mad scientist and a police officer for Halloween. The two of them on the Lawn. With eyes only for each other in the middle of a packed coffee house. Dressed up as characters from _Clue_ outside their favorite movie theater. At Linda’s party. Standing with his parents at an award ceremony. All the pictures she’d left for him leading up to their first date.

But then the pictures continued. At the restaurant where Barry had taken her for their first “official” date – he’d asked the waiter to take the photo before they’d left. The night he met her father, Joe, for the first time. It had been an awkward meeting, since her dad greeted him by asking if he was the boy who’d broken his daughter’s heart. As it turned out, Iris hadn’t hidden her heartache as well as she’d hoped, that weekend away.

There was a picture taken the night of their engagement. One of the two of them at graduation, sharing a kiss, diplomas in hand as they stood in cap and gown. And, finally, her favorite photo from their wedding. Their foreheads were pressed together as they shared a laugh, stealing a quiet moment away in the midst of the festivities. At the very end of the row, Barry had hung an empty photo frame.

“Oh, Barry. It’s perfect. Thank you,” she whispered, turning to face her husband. Wiping away a tear, she nodded towards the empty frame, “So what’s that for?”

Barry shrugged. “I don’t know yet. For whatever’s next.” Cupping Iris’s face, he tilted her head back and drew her in for a deep kiss. 

When the kiss broke off, Iris smiled against his mouth. “Just think…a house this big…we have a lot more walls to fill.” A line formed between her brow as she glanced up at him. “All those years ago…the misunderstandings and secrets…all that unnecessary heartache. Do you ever think back on it and wish we’d done things differently? We wasted all that time.”

“Maybe. Sometimes. I don’t think an entire lifetime is long enough to spend with you. But most of the time, I think that time wasn’t wasted.” Nodding at the wall, he explained. “Look at it, Iris. That’s our life together. It’s not perfect, but it’s ours, and I wouldn’t trade a single second of it.” Iris was lost in the smile he threw her, that smile that melted something inside of her every bit as much as it did the day they met.

Iris looped her arms around his neck. “You know, it’s been two minutes since I last kissed you, Mr. Allen, and I think I really need to do something about that.”

“Well, if you say so, Mrs. West-Allen. Who am I to argue?” 

His laugh dissolved into a moan as Iris pushed him back onto the bed. As it turned out, it turned out he was right. There was no point wondering if they should have done things differently in the past. She had no intention of wasting another second. 

This was their story, and whatever the future would bring, they would face it. Together.


End file.
